Posted by Katherine Recap | "Reality" Competition, Hollywood, TV

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror

Unfortunately, we can’t ruin anything for you quite yet because the live feeds of what’s “really” going on in the Big Brother house won’t start until Thursday night after the end of the two initial “Premiere Episodes”. So, for now we’ll just introduce the basics and get you up to speed before we hit the “reality” raceway. During the season we’ll reference the TV show quite a bit, especially when it comes to competitions. BB holds tons of comps and they NEVER show them on the feeds so “feedsters” have to play Sherlock and deduce what happened from all the post-competition convos and drama. Lucky for us, there’s mucho drama in the house so it’s usually pretty easy to figure it all out pronto. Another aspect of Big Brother that’s never on the feeds is the “diary room sessions” and they’re crucial to understanding the inner workings of individual characters. Some characters give good diary room and they tend to be either the more emotional brand of houseguest or just flat-out diabolical – like Evel Dick (Dick Donato). We already have a great example this season with Da’vonne, who gives amazeballs diary room because she’s not only hardcore emotional but also incredibly funny and articulate. We know a lot of BB fans aren’t into Da’vonne but we’re not ashamed of our adoration. Fetchland is for lovers, not haters and we can find something nice to say about ANYBODY. That may sound easy, but if so you’re probably not a fan of Big Brother – yet.

BB18 begins with our fav ChenBot, Julie, delightfully perfect in a lipstick red evening gown for premiere night. Right away she tells us there are four secret stowaways tucked away in the house. This is the first of three “twists” to be revealed tonight. BB is all about twists, expecting the unexpected, and messing with houseguest heads. In the immortalized words of Chenbot: But first, let’s meet our sixteen characters for this all-grown-up-at-18-years-old Big Brother. 

Natalie

Former cheerleader with matching attitude – it helps that Natalie’s already on the winning team.

Victor

Victor was premiere night’s big winner. He’s already seriously smitten with Natalie.

Corey

Corey’s the BB18 requisite “boy next door”

Glenn

Token Oldie from “Da Bronx,” Glenn’s a former NYPD narcotics detective turned dog groomer

Bridgette

Bridgette’s the personification of that “Flat White Coffee” we keep hearing about – yawn

Jozea

We anticipate fab diary rooms from Jozea. Bad childhood be damned, sweetie. You made it.

Tiffany

Houseguests have noticed Tiffany looks like her sister Vanessa from BB17. Fess up or mess up.

Michelle

A collage of Michelle’s many fears was the best part of her role on the premiere.

Paul

Paul clearly didn’t get enough attention as a kid. We hope BB18 finally scratches that itch for him.

Zakiyah

She wins the beauty contest. So, we’ll overlook how long it’ll take to get her name right.

There’s a funny configuration of crushes as everyone introduces themselves. Victor falls hardcore for Natalie right away. Zakiyah swoons for Paulie. Natalie ogles Corey. And Corey has got his eye on Victor for what he calls a “bromance”. Paul is attracted to Zakiyah – which makes total sense because she’s incredibly gorgeous. Meanwhile the non-romantic types have their own inner workings. Bronte plays at being diabolical with her pretending to be in childcare scheme… she’s actually a mathematician. Big whoop. Michelle immediately knows Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and later confronts her about it for a “shared secret session” on the couch. The initial twelve immediately notice that they’re short some fellow travelers on this vacation-themed season of BB. Julie tells them about the first twist while they’re still sipping celebratory champagne. Who and where are the four stowaways? It’s about to get a bit more crowded on this good ship to crazytown.

Because the theme of this season is vacations and world travel, the stowaways are hidden inside colorful trunks. The beloved character, Nicole, from season 16 is the first to pop out of a trunk. Then out comes James, a prankster from season 17. He was America’s favorite last season. Next we have Da’vonne who was also from Season 17 but considerably less liked by America and voted out the second week – so less liked, period. Finally, Frank, from BB 14, pops out of the last trunk, another America’s favorite. These so-called veterans team up right away to try to protect themselves and it makes sense because the newbie houseguests are all pretending to be thrilled while surreptitiously shooting eyeball daggers at them.

For some reason Paulie chooses this moment to confess that his brother is Cody, from Big Brother’s Season 16, which puts Tiffany in a tough spot. We know already that Da’vonne and Michelle are already certain Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and this will only stoke suspicious fire in the minds of houseguests to be looking for such resemblances in each other now. It’s rare for BB to only put one of a kind in the house. They almost always put at least two of a twist into the game just to rile things up. Later in the episode Michelle will face-to-face ask her if she’s Vanessa’s sister and Tiffany tells her it’s true but they lock it in the secret vault for now. We’ll see how that flies. Da’vonne, on the other hand, tells us she knows in the diary room and says nothing to Tiffany about it. An argument could be made for either move. Michelle now has a bit of an advantage over Tiffany but Da’vonne’s also smart to play her card close to the vest this early in the game. Thing is, if Michelle went up on the block for eviction right away Tiffany would have a good reason to get rid of her at this point and would likely vote her out.

Next Julie tells the house the second twist: they’ll play the game this summer in teams of four. Everyone will have a chance to take part in choosing their teams. A few seconds after this announcement Da’vonne starts weeping because I’m here to play for myself and my daughter. This isn’t fair, etc. Let it all out Da’vonne. It just makes us love you more to see your big heart breaking over this twist that affects every single houseguest equally. After all, everybody’s got their sad story and a reason to be on Big Brother. In fact, Glenn’s also there to play for his daughter. But the difference is, the houseguests and America know all about Da’vonne’s agony because she flies her feelings flag high in the sky.

Now on to team picking. The first competition begins and it’s time to get the teams together to finally play the game for real. Julie explains that each veteran will be on a different team and make the first pick for their team. Then each selected houseguest will pick the next member of the team and so on. Rule is that you have to pick someone of the opposite sex. Frank picks Michelle, Da’vonne picks Paul, James picks Natalie, Nicole picks Corey, Corey picks Tiffany, Natalie picks Victor (he’s ecstatic about this – kismet), Paul picks Zakiyah, Michelle picks Paulie, Paulie picks Bridgette, Zakiyah picks Jozea. Then as a matter of course, Bronte goes to team James and Glenn goes to team Nicole.

The competition ensues: Ride the Rocket everyone climbs onto a rocket and holds on until all four members fall off. The order of falling off determines their destination – first team to fall off become have-nots, 2nd team gets a mystery punishment, third team gets a ten thousand dollar prize to split four ways, and the last team still holding onto the rocket gets safety from eviction for the next two evictions. The first eviction will take place before this two night premiere is over – so likely it will be the end of Thursday night’s episode. For those of you not familiar with Big Brother, being a “have-not” is hell. You can only eat slop, a tasteless form of protein shake/oatmeal, along with condiments. That’s it. Houseguests tend to lose weight and be a-holes while they’re have-nots. Sometimes it also involves sleep deprivation and other elements of torture like “sleeping” in a freezing cold room on the floor with no blanket or bed. Fun stuff like that.

Victor ends up winning the Ride the Rocket competition for his team so that they no longer have to compete for the next rounds leading up to the inevitable first eviction. Yay! Celebration time! After which, it’s time for all the teams to name themselves. Big Brother is notorious for hilarious team names through the years and BB18 is no exception. They come up with some doozies, even with full knowledge that this is what they’ll have to live with for the rest of the summer. James’s team spends a full hour brainstorming with deadpan faces and brains on tilt but STILL end up sounding utterly ridiculous. Big-Sister

FreakazoidsFor their next competition there are three rounds with the last place team at the end forced to play each other individually so that the single loser of that round has to go home. In a way it’s kind of cool not to have to vote the first houseguest out. They just lose and go home. You know, like a loser does. Team-UnicornThere’s some fun drama during the competitions. Corey’s playin coach, Da’vonne’s flippin out that Paul keeps talkin, and meanwhile Category4 just keeps dropping their game pieces and then rebuilding them in silence until they finally win it and are the next safe team. After that round of competition failure, Corey and Nicole have a heart-to-heart in the storage room that looks like it could lead to romance down the road or at least maybe a two-person alliance. Fingers crossed! Da’vonne, meanwhile cries her eyes out because it’s so hard. It’s so hard. We hear ya, Da’vonne. Loud and clear.Category-4

In the second round Da’vonne continues her trend of overreacting to Paul while the Freakazoid team play snail-style and take a half hour to do basically nothing. When the Freakazoids finally get some balls and make a move they lose their shit completely at the final second. Then the same kinda thing happens to team Big Sister but instead of losing it, they adjust quickly, keep trying, and go on to win the competition. Thus, Nicole’s team, the Freakazoids, have to battle each other Thursday night and the loser of that last competition will go home. So, on eviction night, it’ll be Corey, Nicole, Tiffany, and Glenn all against each other.

At the end of the first premiere night, Julie reminds us that Thursday night one of the houseguests will be evicted. Also, we’ll find out the first Head of Household and who the two houseguests on the chopping block for the eviction. Then she adds that Sunday night a new Big Brother competition will give one player unprecedented power to change the game. It’s all music to our ears, Julie. We can’t wait and have never been more ready for a summer of silliness and shenanigans. Sure, lots of people like to get all serious about Big Brother and call it a microcosm of our society etc. Analyze away, bros. But the truth is that BB’s really just about pure fun and entertainment… unless, of course, you’re in the house.

– KatherineRecap

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