June, 2015

One of my favorite Magic-playing sports fanatics is Patrick Sullivan. Make that one of my favorite humans.

The first time I played Patrick he had two 2/1 White Weenie creatures and a Phyrexian Negator in play while I had a Masticore… that I forgot to pay upkeep on. The beatdown specialist has not been one whit kinder to opponents in the ensuing fourteen years.

A Red Deck specialist with numerous Open, Invitational, and Grand Prix Top 8s, Patrick is both a highly active game designer and a full time Magic commentator for StarCity Games, covering their Open Series and Invitationals. You can follow Patrick on Twitter at @basicmountain.

I.
Relatively early on in our friendship I expressed to you that my favorite NBA player was not the obvious choice of hometown hero LeBron James, but the animated Brazilian Anderson Varejao. You responded that that opinion was consistent with having “a black and white MySpace profile pic” and just spammed my wall with a bunch of Josh Smith highlight videos. How did a lifelong Jersey boy get into then-Atlanta’s Josh Smith?

I’ve always been passionately, foolishly drawn to players who can do everything except shoot the ball, and Josh perhaps is the most intense iteration of that player in the history of the league. Combine that with a guy playing with his hometown team right out of high school (a particular charm for a Jersey kid who grew up with Springsteen and The Sopranos), and I was immediately drawn to Smoove. The last few years have been painful, but I really enjoyed this year’s quasi-vindication in the playoffs, even if it came at the expense of the Clippers.

II.
Since moving to California you seem to have transplanted your NBA fandom squarely into the Staples Center. Was there any indication at the time the Clippers were going to be any good at all [let alone perennial contenders]?

The Clippers nailed a couple of drafts in a row, the most important thing for a franchise that, shall we say, wasn’t a free agent destination for the last few decades. Blake seemed like a no-brainer star the second he hit the court, and DJ, Eric Bledsoe, and Eric Gordon all looked like promising players early in their careers. It seemed likely that the group would either develop into a promising core on their own, or that some of them would get flipped for Hypothetical Disgruntled Star X when one became available. You never know how it’s going to play out, but it seemed like only a (short) matter of time before the Clippers became, at the minimum, a 50 win team for a couple of years.

III.
How do you feel about this week’s Clippers trade for Lance Stephenson? (a year ago I would have put him as a Top 20 NBA star BTW)

The Clippers are capped out and don’t own a first round pick this year. Besides trading someone in the Big 3, the only way the Clippers were going to add any talent was by taking a flyer on a guy who wore out his stay somewhere else. Combined with the fact that the Clippers got to dump the heinous Hawes deal, I’d make this trade 100 times out of 100. Feel free to dredge this paragraph up when Lance is screaming at CP3 or running his fingers through Harden’s beard during the playoffs next year.

IV.
As a relatively young Clippers fan, how gratifying is it to have seen DeAndre Jordan’s improvement over the past couple of seasons? Personally, I feel he is like the defensive Steph Curry in terms of development and trajectory.

DJ’s improvement has been startling, both in terms of physique (I screamed “You look heavy!” at him his first year in the league, back when I said things like that at strangers) and his overall basketball acumen. In the long-term, I think the pairing with Blake is awkward enough that I think the Clippers should look to move him for a star who can space the floor, but when he’s engaged he’s one of the most significant defensive players in the league.

V.
Were you ever worried that the Clips were going to win it all, tear off their jerseys, and reveal that — ZOINK! — the CP3 trade had actually gone through and they were secretly the Lakers after all?

No — those dudes hate the other team in LA, and the Clippers rubbing the Lakers’ noses in sh*t has been a 4-times-a-year delight for your’s truly. On a related note, the last few years have revealed some deep insecurities among Lakers fans, like handling a few years in the doghouse is beneath them or something. Were I a Lakers fan, I’d like to think that witnessing the current tragicomic Kobe Bryant era would hold me over until the next transcendent superstar decides to sign over there, but I can’t say for sure. It’s easy to get spoiled, I guess.

VI.
Who is the best player in the NBA? The GOAT?

I think Anthony Davis was the best player in the league during the regular season, but LeBron was so impressive/inspiring/cyborg-ish during the playoffs that I can’t discuss this rationally right now. I hate discussing the GOAT because it’s so hard to account for how different diet, travel, pace of play, etc., were during different eras, but I think LeBron, MJ, Magic, or Bill Russell are all fine answers.

VII.
BDM claims that being a sports fan is like a religion; you get born into it and that’s it. As someone born into the Nets, what can you say to an embattled Knickerbockers guy about how you’ve not only dipped your toe into the Hawks but really gone full-bore into the Clips?

I spent a few years as a passionate basketball agnostic, but I got to do that in part because the Nets were so uninspiring, even when they were very good, that bouncing around didn’t feel like a violation of some sacred oath or something. Now, I go to Clippers games, I’m invested, and I like to think I’ll continue to do so when Chris and Blake inevitably leave and I’m stuck rooting for some sad-sack group of recent lottery picks and veteran retreads in 2020. I might return to basketball agnosticism at some point, but I won’t ever root for another franchise again, assuming the Clippers stay in LA and remain owned by a human instead of a ghoul.

VIII.
Two words: Doc Rivers

A good X’s and O’s guy, a great Leader of Men, and a well-below-average GM, even factoring the Stephenson heist. I wish he would stay out of front office affairs, but as someone who has watched Mike Dunleavy and Vinny Del Negro coach the basketball team he roots for, it’s worth the cost of doing business.

(“Sushi Grade Nachos” is another one of three recipes from the first episode of Kitchen Table Gaming, published earlier this week, here on Fetchland.)

I am pretty lucky to have an insane Japanese supermarket near my house that not only carries Japanese produce but also has a pretty ridiculous selection of cheap, fresh seafood that they will slice up for you into perfect pieces of sashimi. I have gotten a whole tray of otoro (fatty) tuna there for less than one piece of otoro sashimi at high end restaurants in New York.

I have no idea what led to the creation of these individually plated nachos but it certainly started with me finding a piece of whole wasabi root in the produce section. Somehow I decided that this should be paired with otoro and blue corn and sesame tortilla chips.

Sushi Grade Nachos

Ingredients

2 ripe avocados
1 bunch scallions, chopped
4 tablespoons freshly grated wasabi root (you can use prepared wasabi paste to taste if fresh is not available)
1 lime, zested and juiced
10 shiso leaves, minced (can use handful of cilantro if shiso is not available)

20 pieces of sashimi (tuna, salmon… whatever is fresh and good)

20 blue corn tortilla chips

Time to make the nachos

Scoop the avocado into a large bowl and mash with the back of a fork. Add in the zest and juice of the limes, wasabi root, and the minced herbs and continue mashing until almost all the chunks of avocado are gone.

Scoop one tablespoon of wasabi guacamole onto each chip and top with a piece of sashimi.

That’s it.

(“Dark Chocolate Rituals” — a kind of chocolate cookie — is one of three recipes from the first episode of Kitchen Table Gaming, published earlier this week, here on Fetchland.)

I have spent the last few years on a quest to create the most chocolate-y cookie possible. My first efforts with cocoa powder in the batter were fine but they were just not going as far as I needed them to be. I found a way to make them using melted dark chocolate in the batter in addition to a dark chocolate cocoa powder and it was almost there. The missing element was finely ground espresso beans and suddenly the cookie sprang to life.

Dark Chocolate Rituals

Ingredients

1 Cup All Purpose Flour
1/2 Cup Unsweetened Cocoa Powder (I prefer Hershey’s Special Dark)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2/3 teaspoon Kosher salt
5 oz dark chocolate for melting
5 oz dark chocolate chunks for… chunks
1 stick unsalted butter (grass-fed butter really makes a difference)
1 1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
2 tablespoons finely ground espresso beans
1/2 cup whole espresso beans
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Time to make the cookies

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

Melt 5 oz. of chocolate with one stick of butter in a double boiler or small metal bowl set over a pan of simmering water. Add espresso powder to as the mixture melts and becomes smooth. Meanwhile add flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt into a bowl. Whisk together and set aside.

Add the chocolate mixture to a stand-up mixer with paddle attachment and add sugar, eggs, and vanilla and mix to combine. With speed turned down to low add the flour mixture in stages until it is all incorporated. Fold in the remaining chunks of chocolate.

Scoop the batter onto parchment or Silpat lined baking sheets with an ice cream scoop. Leave about 2 inches between each cookie. Press 3 or 4 whole coffee beans into the top of each cookie. Bake for 15 minutes and transfer cookies to wire rack to cool.

Makes 2 to 3 dozen cookies depending on how much raw batter you eat.

I love making spider tokens and now I can say that with multiple meanings. I had a chance to participate in Rashad Tokens: Series 2 and pose in hat for the spider token — one of nearly two dozen token creatures that almost exclusively feature the inimitable Rashad Miller. As part of my participation I get to spoil my token here for the first time.

The tokens will be available for free at all Grand Prix Rashad attends once they get made. The “getting made” part is the tricky piece and you can help Rashad make them happen by supporting his Kickstarter campaign. You can help just by sharing this link or you can reach into your Cabal Coffers to make donation as little as $1.

Personally I will need at least 100 spider tokens, some 75 zombies, as many as 50 wolves, and at least two dozen insects to use with my Sidisi, Brood Tyrant Commander deck. Those are just current high water marks for each type of token my deck can make but it probably not really enough. I also need some Essence of the Wild tokens for when I flashback Spider Spawning with a copy of the big dumb green avatar in play.

I am sure the list will change once Magic Origins arrives but here is my most current list for the deck. Get your spider tokens while you can!

Sidisi, Brood Tyrant — Commander

1 Hedron Crab
1 Joraga Treespeaker
1 Coiling Oracle
1 Deranged Assistant
1 Millikin
1 Riftsweeper
1 Sakura-Tribe Elder
1 Sylvan Caryatid
1 Sylvan Ranger
1 Borderland Ranger
1 Civic Wayfinder
1 Eternal Witness
1 Nyx Weaver
1 Nighthowler
1 Somberwald Sage
1 Splinterfright
1 Trygon Predator
1 Wood Elves
1 Yavimaya Granger
1 Brooding Saurian
1 Master Biomancer
1 Oracle of Mul Daya
1 Wonder
1 Acidic Slime
1 Genesis
1 Kessig Cagebreakers
1 Sphinx of Lost Truths
1 Sultai Soothsayer
1 Deadeye Navigator
1 Duplicant
1 Essence of the Wild
1 Prime Speaker Zegana
1 Progenitor Mimic
1 Shoreline Ranger
1 Soul of New Phyrexia
1 Tasigur, the Golden Fang
1 Twisted Abomination
1 Deathbringer Regent
1 Hornet Queen
1 Jungle Weaver
1 Krosan Tusker
1 Craterhoof Behemoth
1 Necropolis Fiend
1 Vampiric Tutor
1 Demonic Tutor
1 Memory’s Journey
1 Mulch
1 Oversold Cemetery
1 Regrowth
1 Beastmaster Ascension
1 Forbidden Alchemy
1 Gnaw to the Bone
1 Runic Repetition
1 Sultai Ascendancy
1 Parallel Lives
1 Doubling Season
1 Shamanic Revelation
1 Spider Spawning
1 Treasure Cruise
1 Empty the Pits
1 Bayou
1 Breeding Pool
1 Command Tower
1 Dimir Aqueduct
1 Evolving Wilds
1 Flooded Grove
1 Flooded Strand
5 Forest
1 Gaea’s Cradle
1 Hinterland Harbor
1 Island
1 Jungle Hollow
1 Llanowar Wastes
1 Mana Confluence
1 Mosswort Bridge
1 Opulent Palace
1 Overgrown Tomb
1 Polluted Delta
1 River of Tears
1 Scalding Tarn
1 Simic Growth Chamber
3 Swamp
1 Temple of Mystery
1 Temple of the False God
1 Thornwood Falls
1 Tropical Island
1 Underground Sea
1 Verdant Catacombs
1 Vesuva
1 Watery Grave
1 Windswept Heath
1 Wooded Foothills
1 Woodland Cemetery

The point of this deck was to recreate my favorite win condition from Innistrad draft — making nigh-infinite spiders by looping Spider Spawning, Runic Repetition, and Memory’s Journey. Sidisi, Brood Tyrant is a perfect tool for the deck giving you a constantly available way to stock your graveyard and make zombies in the process. Normally I don’t play cards like Demonic Tutor and Deadeye Navigator but the deck started out as an exercise to see if it was possible to kill someone in Commander with spider tokens and all the gloves were off assuming that the deck was starting out inherently underpowered. It is currently an exercise in trying to reign the deck in from just killing everyone single digit turns into the game

Cards like Splinterfirght, Nyx Weaver, Hedron Crab, Deranged Assistant and the lowly Millikin all shine in this deck which features some 45 creatures and plenty of card that care about the graveyard. Wonder has been a delightful source of frustration for opponents thus far, Gnaw to the Bone has gained me hundreds of life in a single game, and Oversold Cemetery might be one of the best cards in the whole deck. As for win conditions you have Beastmaster Ascension and Craterhoof Behemoth to completely overwhelm your opposition with your ragtag army of wolves, zombies, insects, and incredibly handsome spider tokens.

One of the main things Mike and I want to do with Fetchland is to try out and showcase new voices. Braden is our first swing on sports content.

For the last few years it has been my pleasure to work with 5th Planet Games President & COO Braden Moulton on a variety of projects and more than a few six-packs while watching sporting events. In addition to being a Chief Operating Officer, Braden is a Hans Gruber impersonator, is on the hunt for the Legend rank in Hearthstone, can chin himself up from girders with his index fingers, and has some similarly strong opinions about all things sports-related. It is my pleasure to ask him eight questions about the NBA Finals on the eve of what could well be the final game of the current NBA season.

In the interest of full disclosure I have to reveal that Braden works in the Bay Area but has no real allegiance to the sports teams from that area. I should further reveal that he is originally from Seattle which from a NBA perspective has no allegiance to its fans so who really knows where his heart lies. Perhaps we can find out with these eight questions.

-bdm

I.
First of all; are you even going to be watching the NBA Finals on the primary screen in your state-of-the-art mancave tonight?

I am going to be eagerly watching both Game 6 and the USWNT in the WWC tonight. Great night of sports awaits!

II.
What is it like to be an NBA fan from Seattle? My dad has psychic wounds over the Dodgers that are older than the Seattle SuperSonics/ OKC Thunder’s entire existence.

I will always have GP throwing crazy alley-oops to Shawn Kemp!

Some things just don’t make sense in life though, and it is hard to rationalize them: Why isn’t there an NBA team in Seattle? Why would you kill off the only remaining hero in your fantasy epic with at least two seasons remaining? Why would anyone think it is a good idea to plan a family vacation to Isla Nublar at this point?

III.
Do you have a dog in the fight? It has to be difficult raising kids in the Bay Area without being a Steph Curry household.

Northern California is Steph Curry territory… And I think that is his shooting range too. I don’t have a dog in the fight other than I enjoy competition and the Finals have been great theater so far.

IV.
The big debate has been the MVP discussion — Bill Simmons been sorely missed than during these playoffs — so who do you think should win the MVP? Are you on the Steph Curry bandwagon (assuming they close it out) or are you in the “LeBron James, regardless of outcome” camp?

First of all, Bill Simmons going MIA has been a blow. I don’t care the topic or the medium, I need my Bill Simmons. I’m assuming there is some contractual reason he is flying under the radar right now. If not, we might need Talia Shire to give him a motivational talking-to…

If the finals ended this very moment, the MVP is clearly… Andre Iguodala. It isn’t even a question. You say it is? Just like your penchant for drafting giant green creatures, you’re wrong; but I will enlighten you.

Why it isn’t LeBron: They lose the series. You could lose the series with LeBron or without. Even if he kept it close, you still lost. This game is about winning a championship. If you didn’t do that, I don’t see how you are the most valuable player in a contest to win said championship.

Why it isn’t Steph: He was held mostly in check for the first 3 games. He has been atrocious going left on the high pick-and-roll (something the Cavs kept channeling him to with great success). Finally, his body language reminds me of my 5 year old when I tell him it is bedtime. I want my MVP to inspire my team, lead with intensity, and for my team to feel his will dictating the game. With those criteria, it is an easy choice.

Why it IS Iguodala: His insertion to the starting lineup and increased minutes have turned the series around. I could go dig up fancy stats on PER, or plus-minus, etc. No need, as the numbers don’t show why he is the MVP. Basketball IQ does. He is getting out on the break and speeding up the tempo of the game which impacts everything. The Cavs are running an offensive set that is now focused on switching Iguodala off of LeBron. He has single-handedly changed the Cavs’ approach to the series. If we removed everyone’s names, and I told you I had a player that sparked a series turnaround, changed his team’s offense to be more effective, changed the opposing team’s offense to go out of their way to avoid him, shut down the best player in the world, and showed a will to win that his team had no choice but to rise up to, I would have your vote, right?

V.
Give me your Top 3 in order if the Finals MVP was to be declared today.

1. Iguodala. See irrefutable reasoning above.
2. Steph Curry (but that is a lie, it is actually Draymond Green). The only way Golden State loses the series is if they get pushed around. Green understood this and took the toughness/aggressiveness factor up to 1980’s Pistons level quality.
3. Super-Creepy Rob Lowe. Or any variant. What would you give to have him back instead of Hannah and her ridiculous horse? Who greenlit the ad spend for that campaign at DirecTV? Did they hire the Dolan family to manage their marketing budget?

VI.
Poor David Lee! Wouldn’t he be a 40 minute starter on this Cavaliers team?

I think you or I might be a 40 minute starter on this Cavaliers team. Regarding David Lee, it is great to see professionals that stay ready and come in prepared to contribute. I could see Shawn Marion trying on that role in tonight’s Game 6.

VII.
What does your all-time Top 5 NBA player list look like?

Let’s agree that nobody cares what happened in sports before ESPN. I think that is a fair window to use. The top 5 are MJ, Bird, Magic, LeBron, and Carmelo (lol, just seeing if you are reading this). Enough shots at the Knicks. The 5th spot narrowly goes to Duncan over Hakeem.

VIII.
Do you really have under 100 Twitter followers? How did you get in here exactly?

I am the Andre Iguodala of Fetchland. @bradenmoulton. Come battle me on MTGO (Rungup) or Hearthstone (Rungup).

Welcome to the first episode of Kitchen Table Gaming, the web series where I play games with my friends and cook them food. In this first episode I was joined by one of my oldest friends Paul Yellovich, with whom I have probably played more games for more hours than I can possibly account for; Nate Holt of Walking the Planes fame, and Anthony Conta, who I collaborated with on Emergents: Genesis The Deckbuilding Game.

Nate brought some fancy chips with him which I fancied up a little more with some sushi grade tuna; Paul brought some raw cookie dough which was used in a dark chocolate ritual; while Anthony brought his game Funemployed to show us how it plays. Anthony’s game also prompted some reminiscence about marathon gaming sessions that were unhindered by anything as pedestrian as having a job.

You may have seen the Food Network show THE BEST THING I EVER ATE but Paul and I recalled the worst thing we ever ate after more than 24 hours of gaming and some pretty meager pooled resources with which to buy fixings for a meal. I manage to recreate that horrific food item as best I could but also create a much more tasteful and tasty update for this episode.

Special thanks to Dustin Drury and David T. Wright for making this first episode happen.

Hopefully there will be many more!

Me and my guests on Twitter:

• Me, Brian David-Marshall (bdm) – @top8games
• Nate Holt – @walktheplanes
• Paul Yellovich – @MrYellovich
• Anthony Conta – @acmaverick
• Anthony’s party game, Funemployed

Mike (michaelj) poked me with 8 questions about last night’s Game of Thrones finale “Mother’s Mercy” (kind of like I did with the Jurassic World review the other day). This is what I thought. What did you all think?

I.
Was there any Bran sighting? Warg? Raven? Three-eyed Raven? Catching up with his old buddy Sam about dem old GTs sticking dragonglass into White Walkers? Been a whole season… Anything?

Zip.

Nada.

Nuthin’

Not even a raven. Although if you looked at any message boards after the episode there was a LOT of raving. As far as I can tell there are about four people left who will watch the show next year. We are headed into uncharted territory for next season. Maybe that is where Bran and the Raven are hanging out.

II.
Did Olly end up betraying Jon? I think the producers have done a bonzer job establishing first Olly’s devotion to Jon and then some substantial second-guessing with everything involving the Free Folk. Olly stabby stabby Jonny Snowy or what?

Please don’t ever say that again.

Olly did his best Night King impersonation and slowwalked from the back of the treasonous lot for maximum dramatics. This is also the reason there will only be four of us watching next season.

III.
How’s your temperature on Melisandre? Cold as the coming winter, hot as the Lord of Light, other?

I hate Melisandre. I hate her in the books. I hate her on the show. I hate her so much that I am colder than the coming winter toward her. Speaking of which…

Game of Thrones has been rough on my teenaged fantasies. Growing up — even though the show was already more than two decades old — there was no one hotter to me than Emma Peel from the Avengers TV show. She occupied a lot of my attention and, while she plays my favorite character from this season, Diana Rigg has made my old bones ache this season. And not in the euphemistic way.

IV.
To what degree were you cheering for Sansa before this episode and how has that changed given the season finale’s conclusion?

I hate Sansa in the books but I have really been rooting for her to rule over Winterfell on the show. She has endured a lot more on the show than she does in the books but I am looking forward to seeing where they take her next season (as I am sure the other three remaining viewers do as well).

V.
Are you happy with Brienne’s reduced role going North (relative to being the heavy Riverlands POV character in the books) or would you have rather she went the way of the Greyjoys entirely this season?

The one thing that I really hated in this episode was the whole candle in the tower bit which played a little too Three’s Company to me. We park her on the edge of Winterfell for the last month doing nothing only to have her look away to check in on Stannis making his doomed march on the Boltons. It just didn’t work for me and it was really frustrating because I have loved the show when they have made use of Brienne and this seemed wasteful.

VI.
I had read rumors production had to shut down a whole town to keep the Naked Cersei Church Walk under wraps. Did it happen? To what degree was it a satisfying moment (supposing it did in fact happen)? Or in the alternative… Cersei getting hers or what?

It happened in all of its excruciating glory. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments in the history of the show. My wife had to keep reminding me what a terrible, awful person Cersei is and that I should not feel bad for her. She was pretty upset about the scene because she contends that all the controversy about the Walk of Atonement was just a smokescreen to cover up the Jon Snow betrayal which she was not at all prepared for.

[Post Script: It turns out Headey “elected not to show all” for “Mother’s Mercy”. Whether it was because she was pregnant with a baby girl during filming or some other reason, this does not really change my reading, or Mike’s Game of Thrones Finale Review.]

VII.
Tyrene Sand and Bronn… Match made in Heaven, or match actually made in the dungeons of Dorne (or not a match at all)? Kingslayer did in promise Bronn “a much better girl” and how much better can you get than “the most beautiful woman in the world” who is also a deadly assassin?

He is totally sending her a raven with a casual “Hey, you up?” scroll as soon as he gets back to King’s Landing.

VIII.
This season has sped by like a bullet train! What was your favorite moment of the finale?

The finale totally snuck up on me. Watching these prestige shows is so much different than watching a network show. Something like The Good Wife takes up half a year to play out but this goes by in less than three months. But I am ducking the question. Favorite moment has to be Reek pushing Myranda over the rail. Rooting for some Theon redemption next season.

A lot like yesterday’s Jurassic World review Brian David-Marshall (bdm) sent me a set of questions to answer before tonight’s Game of Thrones finale. Sadly I didn’t actually finish all of them “before” the finale. Hopefully all these make sense.

I.
I don’t know about you but with the wholesale off-book slaughter we have been seeing this season I have no idea who will live anymore. If you had to bet on someone unexpected dying tonight who would you bet money on?

Meryn Trant. Of course they’re basically hitting us over the heads with Meryn Trant; but I believe he is still breathing in the books. Especially with the thin man missing his mussels murdering, Arya is going to owe the Many-Faced God (all the same to him, as I understand it).

[Post Script: Got that one but apparently off on the opinion of the Many-Faced God]

II.
What is your favorite map animation in the opening? I am a big fan of the coin rolling around Braavos.

I have always liked the animation and detailing on the Titan of Braavos.

III.
How much of an emotional roller coaster has Stannis been this season? What would possibly redeem him at this point?

Winning. Winning something. If Stannis takes Winterfell and liberates Sansa I think that would redeem him in the eyes of many viewers. You can’t imagine he wanted to sacrifice Shireen (and remember this is a guy who sent a shadow demon / spawn after his own brother)… He is way deep in “the ends justify the means” so I guess we’ll see assuming he puts up the dubya.

[Post Script: Well, I guess that’s not happening.]

IV.
Was the sacrifice of Shireen revenge on all the book readers for the Red Wedding?

I deleted everything that I had originally written here on account of it would end up looking pretty stupid. I guess the tv producers have a read on Melisandre and Stannis that is quite different from my read [from the books].

I would originally have said that no matter what we think of Melisandre in the abstract she is one of the only people that actually does any magic; who is to say what a terrible price magic costs in Martin’s fantasy universe? Look at what it cost Dany.

BUT!

I guess the sequence was meant to show Melisandre’s fallibility. Certainly all of this undermines my reading… TLDR: Yes? [I am a book reader]

V.
I would be scavenging everywhere for dragonglass and Valyrian steel. Why isn’t Jon Snow making a bigger deal about that. Doesn’t he know anything?

How much Valyrian steel do you think is loose in the Seven Kingdoms? The Lannisters are more-or-less the richest family in the West and they had no Valyrian sword until stealing Ned’s.

Jon clearly knows the value of dragonglass; but it doesn’t seem to me something they have massive stores of, ether. But anyway, I have it on good account that he knows nothing.

VI.
What book character are you most hoping to see in Season 6?

Barristan the Bold 🙁

I hated how he went down. They made such a big deal of Grey Worm saving him from having his throat cut so I assumed he was going to get out of the street fight all right. He is such a great character and such a great influence, so inspiring and so capable even in his old age…

Barristan the Bold 🙁

VII.
Drogon v. Indominus Rex?

I think that the field of battle matters a lot. If they’re tangling tooth and claw on the ground I think Indominus rex has got a huge advantage in speed and savagery; further Drogon at this stage is not fully grown. Indominus has razor-sharp teeth and claws, is lightning quick, and no regard for her own safety. On balance, look at how many spears Drogon took in the rescue scene last episode! Drogon isn’t really a great fighter yet and relies wholly on natural talent right now.

However if Drogon has got the higher ground, you know, way up high… I don’t see how Indominus has much of a chance. Indominus can’t even hide in the jungle like she does in Jurassic World; Drogon can just burn down the whole forest.

Overall I’d pick Drogon but it isn’t a sure thing at all. If Drogon gets too close he can end up with his wings shredded and that would be that.

VIII.
For the sake of non-book readers I am going to ask next question in code and give them a chance to avoid SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

When do you think we will see aetlynCay arkStay again?

I don’t. I assume that they’re just eliminating her life-after-life storyline entirely.

//

Given that I didn’t finish up my take before the Game of Thrones finale actually aired, armed with a little hindsight, I thought I’d weigh in on Cersei’s Walk of Shame.

My goodness how not-titillating was that?

Lena Headey is my favorite actor on the show and I’ve had a giant crush on her since her role as Queen Gorgo in 300. So given the usual angle of how Game of Thrones is shot and shown I had been looking forward to the scene (and to the show’s most despicable villain finally getting an ounce of punishment).

But man! That was rough to watch not fun to watch at all. I just thought how tough it must have been for Lena Headey herself (not thinking about Cersei at all). Maybe she’s an even better actress than I thought, but I got the sense that she was humiliated. It was so awful it made me forget for a moment how much Cersei actually has coming to her :/

In terms of the actual last scene, and how they shot what was pouring out of Jon, you know, near a giant fire… I am guessing we’re going to see the power of King’s Blood next season (one can only hope).

LOVE
MIKE

Yesterday I saw the mid-June summer spectacle Jurassic World.

Brian (bdm) asked me to answer eight key questions about Jurassic World and my Jurassic World experience:

I.
3D or not 3D?

I actually went out of my way to see the not-3D version. I’m not a huge 3D guy in general. 3D is hugely expensive plus I wear glasses already and so I have these awkward glasses-on-top-of-glasses experiences, for like two hours or whatever. Also I have a giant head. Also I can’t remember the last time I was actually impressed by the 3D-ness of a 3D movie over the regular version.

Anyway, I didn’t see Jurassic World in 3D.

II.
Maybe it is just me but all I thought about during the commercials was James Cameron’s Aliens and Paul Reiser’s character. Every time Bryce Dallas Howard said “corporate decided” or referred to a dinosaur as an “asset” I winced. How many movies had their DNA sampled to make this thing?

It’s funny you ask that but I didn’t really register Aliens. I was thinking more superheroes. I didn’t actually see Spider-Man 3 (and I guess no one else did, either) but Bryce Dallas Howard was Gwen Stacy in that; and Chris Pratt was Star-Lord in Guardians of the Galaxy; and I just got finished watching Marvel’s Daredevil on Netflix… Where Vincent D’Onofrio plays Kingpin!

To wit, I didn’t see Jurassic World as being derivative of any specific movie beyond the really superficial macro tropes of scientific progress sometimes being bad, corporations [always] being bad, and the Venn diagram overlap of the two together making for the odd [zombie apocalypse].

III.
Bryce Dallas Howard vs. Jessica Chastain…fight!

Jessica Chastain for sure. I wasn’t particularly sold on Bryce Dallas Howard in this one, actually.

IV.
Can Chris Pratt be a dramatic leading man/non-comedic action hero?

Probably?

Folks are capable of all kinds of stuff that we don’t necessarily peg them for up front. When you first saw Chris Pratt playing a portly loser on the first season of Parks and Recreation did you imagine he was going to end up a musclebound superhero?

Six months no beer. #GOTG Kinda douchey to post this but my brother made me.

A photo posted by prattprattpratt (@prattprattpratt) on Jul 6, 2013 at 11:06pm PDT

… You know, from just giving up beer?

Dan Schneider (the butt of every fat joke on Head of the Class thirty years ago) was declared “the Norman Lear of children’s television” by The New York Times. He went from being an overweight comic punchline on a middling situation comedy to a hugely influential tv guy and writer of Good Burger upon initial retirement.

In Jurassic World Chris Pratt wasn’t even that comical. He pulled off a largely straight implementation of the summer action star, and did so service-ably.

V.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE VISIT JURASSIC PARK AT THIS POINT!!!???

Jurassic WORLD Brian. “Jurassic World”, not “Jurassic Park”. Jurassic Park was a totally different amusement park that also happened to be situated on Isla Nublar, and also happened to feature genetically resurrected prehistoric monsters. Sure people died at Jurassic Park, but it is specifically stated in the movie that, say, wearing an original Jurassic Park t-shirt would be considered in poor taste.

This is twenty-two years later! To the customers at Jurassic World, riding a stegosaurus is no more novel than seeing an elephant at the local zoo. What kind of question is this (vulgarity and all)? What are you, the progress police?

VI.
Who wins in a fight, Indominus or Godzilla? Indominus or Iron Giant? Indominus or MechaIndominus?

For those who haven’t seen the movie yet, Indominus rex is the big danger of the movie; essentially a leveled up Tyrannosaurus rex. I hate to call her “the villain” of the movie, but she is certainly putting a lot of humans and other animals in danger.

Indominus rex can grow up to 50 feet according to Science Exposition Man early in the film; but the one running around the theme park is not yet fully grown. Even then, Indominus rex would only stand at about 18 feet tall. Godzilla (or Gojira to non-Philistines) was scaled to about 164 feet in the original 1954 film; as buildings in Japan actually got taller, future installments of the Godzilla franchise made for a taller monster (and even taller, say 400+ feet for American viewership given the larger American skyscrapers or suspension bridges). A Godzilla that is much smaller than the buildings around him is just less imposing. Point being, any version of Godzilla is much bigger than even a fully grown Indominus rex and can also expel some kind of crazy radiation dragon breath. Indominus rex has a keen head on her shoulders (and some cool abilities I don’t want to spoil) but I think she is just out-sized by even the classic 1954 Japaneze Kaiju.

The Iron Giant is 42 feet tall and also made of iron. We see Indominus rex messing up bulletproof glass and generally tearing up the furniture, but I am skeptical she would be well-suited in that pairing. I’d still pick not-Indominus on this one, while recognizing The Iron Giant’s kind heart might end up his undoing… You never know with these softies, made of iron or not.

And Indominus v. MechaIndominus? We’ll just have to wait for the sequel!

For reference:

VII.
Best reason to see the movie?

The movie certainly has its moments. There is a nice long sense of tension where you don’t know what will happen next. There are some leaps in logic you might have to just accept, but I was personally comfortable shutting off my skepticism for the purposes of a popcorn afternoon with the kids. I liked Jurassic World well enough and would generally recommend seeing it if you’re in the market for an action movie.

It was also somewhat thought-provoking, but maybe not in the ways it was originally intended. I think that the director wanted the movie to be about the dangerous or dehumanizing ramifications of consumerism, rampant greed, and progress gone amok… But it was really ultimately about the shortcomings of shortsighted or lazy individuals. Most of the disastrous moments in the movie, the times when something went wrong that could have been avoided would have been avoided if someone just dotted an i, crossed a t, paid attention at his job, had one fewer doughnut, or kept one fewer secret. The highly successful people — exemplified by Chris Pratt of course — were characterized by quick thinking and a willingness to take actions others would never be flexible enough to think of, on the spot.

But the BEST reason (as with any project involving Judy Greer) is that Judy Greer was in it. <3 a Judy Greer.

VIII.
Best reason to skip it?

I think if you are in the market for going to the movies, and for that matter going to a summer action movie, it is a perfectly sound choice. I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to see it if I weren’t. Heck, I haven’t even seen Mad Max: Fury Road yet!

LOVE
MIKE

ComiXology excerpt:
Batman’s fighting off the effects of the strength-enhancing drug, so he’s locked himself away in the Batcave and instructed Alfred not to open it–no matter what Alfred hears! Now, The Dark Knight faces the monstrous challenge of battling his own nightmares.

Desperate.

That is what I see when I look at this Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez cover.

Desperate. Pathetic. Wasted.

None of these are words that we typically associate with The Dark Knight.

By default we think of Batman as being confident, self-assured, and powerful. In the face of not just danger but near-certain death he holds his head up straight and stares enemies many times more powerful than he is straight in the eye… Right before spitting in it. Probably with kryptonite gum.

But what does Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez give us here?

Not just desperation; not just that unkempt mop and unshaven chin (neither being signals for “billionaire” or “playboy” for the cowl-less Caped Crusader); but a lazy slouch. Bruce in this shot is barely able to stay in his chair (let alone spit in the eye of an angry Kryptonian).

My longtime collaborator (and onetime comics editor) Brian David-Marshall loves to talk about comic book art as more storytelling than “mere” portraiture; and this cover does a great job of telling a story.

Why is Bruce falling out of his chair?

Why is Bruce out of control of his hair?

Mayhap he should have enrolled in D.A.R.E.

Do you see what is falling out of our hero’s hand?

Pills!

This is what comes of pills. Not even The Dark Knight is immune to their insidious effects. They can reduce a straight-backed superhero to a slouching scamp.

Neither will you, child, be able to walk away unaffected (if even you can still walk at all) (see not even Batman can).

Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez communicates a shocking amount of emotion into this image, layers upon layers of meaning, without a single speed-line. His story is not reliant on a single word balloon or stray line of detail. Through body language he can give Bruce’s ripped abs a sense of desiccation rather than core strength; and the same kinds of lines that typically communicate a lack of fat around the rib cage here seem more like a lack of oxygen or nourishment. Along with the shag and beard, Garcia-Lopez’s hands tell a tale (two tales actually): the left is warily weary but the right completely exhausted. Though we see essentially only two pieces of furniture (a pretty stock, if normally luxurious, captain’s chair and a pretty cool wicker cowl-perch), the non-furniture spiderwebs in the top-left give us a setting of disuse, even ruin. One of the sharpest, fittest, most on-the-ball billionaires in the DC universe — on top of every other negative emotion already communicated — is living, or at least sitting, in a zone of neglect; abandonment.

Overall, this is just a great cover. Technically it’s really well composed; I’m fine with the inks but it’s the combination of flat color and negative space that really do it for me. I’m just such a sucker for flat color.

In case you’re wondering what you’re reading, this is Superficial Saturdays — a column I am carrying over from my original blog Five With Flores — that talks about comics covers (as in “superficially” judging a book by its cover), you know, on Saturdays. If you liked this, you can check out the previous sixteen installments over at Five With Flores.

I do hope you liked this! Thanks for checking our comics content out here at Fetchland.

LOVE
MIKE