[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Lust For Life” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:

Lust For Life Johnny decides to stay dead for financial reasons.

Episode three kicks off with Johnny explaining to Gigi that nobody has ever really loved him. He says what happens is they actually just fall in love with the “idea” of him and then end up disappointed in the real deal. Soon after this de facto heart-to-heart, Johnny finds out the Internet is proclaiming he’s dead – choked on a chicken bone. Johnny tries to get over the fact that Rolling Stone hasn’t picked up the story when his manager suggests that maybe he’s best off deceased because the info that he’s dead has been boosting album sales. Johnny agrees as long as they can “come up with a cooler way to kill him.” Unfortunately, all the hippest deaths were taken by former rock stars. The band then fights over who gets to shoot him while getting increasingly excited about changing their name to The Assassins.

Johnny hears Gigi say, “You’ll be a rock n’ roll legend” and signs on for the brilliant plan, while Flash gets to fulfill his decades old dream of killing him. When the news of his repackaged shooting death hits the real media, ie blogs, Johnny’s girlfriend, Ava, gets flowers from hot rock stars. Then the news comes out that at some point in his career Johnny slept with Joan Jett. This infuriates Ava. She’s incensed because apparently when it happened Johnny didn’t even have the consideration to ask Joan if she wanted a threeway “she’s into girls, ya know.” Yeah, we knew that, Ava but we didn’t know how completely awesome you are – until now.

Johnny’s death doesn’t just boost sales for old Heathens albums it also serves as an “origin story for Gigi’s new band”. Buzz develops momentum thanks to her Twitter-posted pink bikini bod and she begins to develop name recognition. At the same time videos start rolling online of Johnny’s historically frequent “vomiting incidents” during shows. Subsequently, Gigi gets the jitters about her first big gig and tells Johnny a Brooklyn version of the Jonah and the whale bible story to explain how she’s his second chance at fame – a big responsibility for such a petite girl. Gigi hopes she didn’t inherit his fear of success making Johnny realize his kid is insightful and maybe he really does have a second chance now – thanks to her.

Joan Jett makes a sexy, funny rockstar guest appearance backstage at Gigi’s gig. She emasculates Johnny and encourages Gigi with the perfect advice all in one swift encounter. Then Johnny figures out that his death hoax, which essentially got Gigi’s band on the map, was orchestrated by the band’s manager to raise their Q score. But Johnny can see it’s working as an undeniable of-the-moment rock n’ roll coup, so he agrees to the Twitter handle @GigisDad along with the Tweet announcing that in fact, he’s actually alive.

The episode wraps with Gigi performing a song she and Johnny wrote together. She invigorates the room with sublime sex appeal and a thrilling voice – exquisite bliss for audience ears in the age of auto-tune. Joan Jett says what everyone’s already thinking, The girl’s gonna be a star. Johnny watches from the wings with a smile because this It Girl is his girl. When she sings their song it’s clear Johnny finally knows for sure that somebody loves the real him after all. He wipes away a tear and then the crowd starts chanting “Gigi, Gigi, Gigi….”

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “A Night at the Plaza” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
A Night at the Plaza Jim plans a romantic anniversary that includes a Broadway show and a hotel stay.

It’s wedding anniversary time and Jim even remembered this year. Sure it’s the day before and what he actually remembers is, in fact, a dentist appointment but in his defense those can be milestones too. Like the one when you find out you’re grinding at night… and not in the good way. Turns out Jim’s friend, Dave has a new girlfriend who works at the Plaza Hotel and Gaffigan gets the idea to score a tad cheaper room with this connection. Amazing anniversary gift! What could go wrong? Maybe Jim’s dentist won’t be the only one drilling this week after all.

Then Gaffigan decides to tack on a Broadway show just to make this occasion super special for Jeannie. It’s a banner year for wedded bliss! Especially given that last year they celebrated with a visit to Shake Shack. To save money on the Broadway show, Jim gets in line at the TKTS booth in Times Square. It’s a time-honored NYC tradition exclusively for those who love standing for hours among the riff raff with fantasies about Book of Mormon tickets while maintaining expectations of seeing something like Aladdin. A khaki-jacketed big fan offers Jim some tickets claiming he can’t use them anyway. At first Jim declines but then, impressed by the choice seats and show, he accepts the offer and insists on paying the guy for the tickets. Turns out a few minutes later when Jeannie takes a moment to really look at them, the tickets were for the day before when Jim was at the dentist… having a much better time.

But being TV main characters and all, they get over it like champs and decide to hit the Plaza early. Upon arrival Jeannie’s friend, Daniel is in their room romancing the mood with rose petals and champagne, like ya do. Then Jeannie realizes she left Jim’s gift back at the apartment and leaves to go get it. Daniel immediately spills chocolate on himself and has to strip down to fix the problem. Jim then accidentally pulls the door knob off while Daniel’s in the bathroom and hijinx ensue. Part of the shenanigans result from Gaffigan’s multitude of front desk requests: a bigger bathrobe, a burger and fries, someone to fix the stuck-on-a-porn-ad-TV, and maintenance to fix the doorknob. One by one the variety of service people attempt to fix the mayhem and, of course, nobody has change for a twenty.

Having Daniel stuck in the bathroom creates hilarious Three’s Company style tomfoolery. The silly misunderstandings escalate to eventually include Dave and his girlfriend Gigi as well as Gigi’s “real” boyfriend, a real bruiser. His Hulkean temper finally scares the returned-at-last-Jeannie and still-in-a-tiny-robe-Jim back to their apartment. That’s where the heart is, guys!

There’s a reference to Gaffigan’s classic Hot Pocket joke in the middle of all the antics and then right after on TVLand a real life Hot Pocket ad airs. Further evidence of the Trumptastic phenomena that any mention in the media that’s then followed by another mention is always good for business.

This episode delivers a classic comedy of errors with spot-on jokes, mistaken identities, and Jim in a miniature bathrobe that matches his skin tone. It’s over far too soon for the audience but perfect timing for Jim and Jeannie, who are happiest chillin’ on the homestead anyway. Although they don’t get to see their Broadway show or enjoy the fancy hotel room they invariably paid for anyway, Jim and Jeannie did develop a profound appreciation for the simple joy of being together. After all gratitude is life’s easiest ticket to joy… that and, for Jim, a Diet RC Cola to wash the burgers down.

–Katherine Recap

I made Falafel Sliders for the second episode of Kitchen Table Gaming. Their origin goes back to my wife and I watching an episode of Top Chef — at least I think it was Top Chef, we watch a LOT of cooking competition — with a Slider challenge. All the chefs went with fairly traditional slider construction and it seemed like everyone played it a little safe. My wife, always looking to “trick” me into making something new, asked what I would have done to take a chance and I immediately suggested the idea of using a falafel patty as the bun for a slider version of a classic falafel sandwich. I played around with the fillings a little bit and this is what I ultimately came up with. These are vegetarian but you can easily use these with a piece of chicken or a lamb patty. Basically anything you would put in a pita will work perfectly here.

Falafel Sliders
(Makes roughly 12 sliders)


2 cups soaked chickpeas
8 tablespoons chickpea flour
1 large sweet onion
6 cloves of peeled garlic
1 large fistful of fresh cilantro
1 large fistful of fresh parsley
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons ground coriander
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flake
1 lemon zested
2 teaspoons baking powder

Oil for pan frying

Prepared hummus
1 lemon juiced
Hot sauce to taste

Heirloom tomatoes sliced into 1/4″ thick slices
Baby arugula
Feta cheese sliced into 1/4” thick squares

Time to make the sliders:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

I have made this before with canned chickpeas and it just did not turn out as well. If you use the canned version you probably need to add more flour. Dried chickpeas are cheap and easy to use. Just soak them overnight in cold water — cover them by about 2 inches in a bowl or saucepan — and drain them when you are ready to use.

Put all the ingredients up to baking powder into a food processor and puree until the chickpeas are all smooth. You may get a couple of chunks of onion here and there but I actually don’t mind that and could even see adding the finely chopped onion after the puree part for a textural component. If you can’t find chickpea flour you can substitute AP flour. I haven’t tried it yet but I have seen falafel recipes that call for bread crumbs. Had I thought about it before recording I would have tried making this one with pita chips pulverized in the food processor in place of some of the flour.

Coat the bottom of a saute pan with oil (I used a mix of grapeseed and olive oils but you can use vegetable or peanut oil) and heat up over medium flame. I used a 2 3/4” ring mold to make my patties but you can just use an ice cream scoop if you don’t have one. Cook the patties for 2 minutes on each side in the oil and transfer to a baking sheet. Cook the patties for another 10 minutes in the oven.


Slice the patties in half like you were cutting an English Muffin and you are ready to build your sliders. I doctor up my hummus (or you can make your own, you have the chickpeas after all!) with some hot sauce and lemon juice to thin it out and use a teaspoon of that on the bottom of the sandwich. Next you add a few leaves of arugula (or any green you like) and then a slice of tomato. Top that with the feta cheese and another dollop of the hummus. Close with the other half of the pattie and you have your sliders.

In the second episode of Kitchen Table Gaming I entertained some friends with drinks and treats over a game of Commander. I led them off with an adult beverage made with tomatillos and vodka (although it is pretty refreshing without any alcohol). It was inspired by the desire to have a lighter, more refreshing brunch alternative to the traditional Bloody Mary. Even though Tomatillos are not actually tomatoes (they are a giant gooseberry, apparently) I thought the bright, fruity flavor would be perfect for the job. I had already made a cucumber cooler with mint and vodka over the summer and decided to combine elements from that and from the basic shape of a Bloody Mary into this summer brunch drink.

It occurred to me that it is hard to call a drink that is green a “Bloody” anything. There are many theories to the titular figure of the Bloody Mary including a waitress who worked at a Chicago bar called The Bucket of Blood, the actress Mary Pickford, and Queen Mary 1. I chose to go with the matriarchal origin because I liked being able to call this the Bloody T’Pau, named so after the Vulcan matriarch from the original Star Trek episode “Amok Time.”

Bloody T’pau
(Makes 6 drinks.)


1 lb Tomatillos husked, rinsed, and destemmed
1 large English Cucumber peeled
1 fistful of fresh Cilantro
1 Jalapeno pepper seeded and deveined
1/2 cup of water
1 lime zested and juiced
Celery stalks for garnish

Let’s Make the Drinks

Rough chop the tomatillos and cucumber and add the them to blender or food processor. Next add cilantro, jalapeno, juice and zest of lime, and a generous pinch of salt. Puree it all together and add water as needed to loosen the mixture.

Empty the contents into fine strainer over a bowl to collect the juice. Press the pulp around with the back of a wooden spoon or spatula to force as much juice through as possible. You can reserve the juice for several hours before serving but be sure to give it a stir first.

Fill highball glasses with ice and celery stalk and pour juice about 2/3 of the way up the glass. Add vodka and swizzle it around with the celery. Bendy straws are optional. You can also rim your glass with a cayenne infused salt for a spicier take. You can also garnish with some pickled jalapenos.

Demonic Pact

Two-time US Nationals Top 8 competitor Conrad Kolos joins the Card Talk team for a discussion of new Magic Origins cards.

What do they think of…

  • Hangarback Walker,
  • Demonic Pact, or
  • Herald of the Pantheon?

Conrad loves Hangarback Walker, comparing it to both Arcbound Ravager and Doomed Traveler.

Gabe calls Demonic Pact a Cruel Ultimatum for 4 mana! This card certainly does a ton of awesome things (so long as you are a little patient)

Herald of the Pantheon, though, is terrible according to the team. Either you will draw all Herald of the Pantheons or all clunky enchantments with no acceleration. The first two, though? Very high on these.

Per usual, this episode is chock full of trivia, swapping Magic cards, and speculation.

Give #33 a listen now:

“All’s well, Counterspell!”

Follow the Card Talk folks at:


S'mores to Plowshares

In the second episode of Kitchen Table Gaming, I make cocktails, sliders, cookies and ice cream… And cream my guests in a game of Magic: The Gathering!

The Commander community’s Dan Brown and GGsLive founder Rashad Miller join me to play a game of Commander. Each of us brings a very different deck to the field of battle. Mine is basically an Innistrad Block draft deck made possible by the lovely Sidisi, Brood Tyrant.

Recipes in this episode of Kitchen Table Gaming:

  • Bloody T’Pau – My take on a Bloody Mary. Because my Bloody Mary is green instead of red, we go with the Vulcan naming
  • Falafel Sliders – We do something a little different with these sliders. “Much better than the Hot Pocket I had this morning.” -Dan Brown
  • S’mores to Plowshares – A cookie-and-ice cream ode to the Magic: The Gathering staple

The full recipe for each dish will be available here on Fetchland in the next couple of days.

Here’s the second episode. Spoiler Alert’s David T. Wright filmed it. Matt Ferrando helped with it. I did all the cooking. Enjoy!

Our guests:

Church in Ruins

[For True Detective‘s “Church in Ruins” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Church in Ruins. Frank meets with Mexican drug dealers; Ani infiltrates an exclusive inner circle.

We open with Frank and Velcoro in a kitchen table standoff that’s more like a tense sit down whispering situation. Raymond says he sold his soul for nothing and Seymon’s a picture of alleged innocence, saying stuff that adds up to dude take responsibility for what you did. This leads Velcoro to cock his gun under the table but he doesn’t shoot, instead he changes the subject to the running of girls with Pitlor’s surgery as the party prep. Turns out Frank’s not surprised and happens to be looking for the same girl the State is, Irina. Then Seymon shows both his hands so he can get a much needed sip of his morning coffee and the showdown slackens until Raymond leaves on a mission to “see about killing a man”. Frank gets a faraway look as Velcoro leaves and asks, We’re still friends right?

Woodrugh investigates the $2.5 million in blue diamonds and finds out they were stolen at the Sable Fine Jeweler’s robbery in 1992 involving a double homicide where two young kids witnessed their parents’ murder. A grizzled veteran cop, surrounded by empty beer bottles, tells Woodrugh the story that clearly still haunts him.

Antigone practices her knife work while her sister tells her to dress like she’s worth $2,000 a night and warns her that it’s going to be rough after they take all her weapons at the door. Then she’ll be swarmed by guys who expect easy sex. Sounds like just another day at the office for Bezzerides… except for the no weapons thing. Her sister tries to pretend she’s never actually been to one of these parties but it’s evident she has and that it worries her for Ani to go. “It’s fuck or run,” she warns.

After a prison visit with his wife’s rapist in which he threatens to cheese grater the guy’s dick, Velcoro has a supervised visit with his son. A note-taking social worker sits just feet away from their tense chat about how stealth bombers kill people. Then Raymond tries talking to the social worker to ease the tension but she says to refrain from speaking with her, so they employ the universal hat trick for awkward couch interactions – they watch Friends. Afterward Raymond plays typical misbegotten Daddy and does numerous lines, whiskey shots, punches in the air and some head bangin’, then a few beers followed by requisite tears. Velcoro drunk dials the ex wife and says he’s given up and will resign all custody if only she will never tell her son about the rapist or check the paternity. “Never tell him and then I’ll stay away and won’t contest anything. I’ll never see him again.” When he finally says he’ll leave their lives forever she agrees to the deal. The shitty terrible horrible no good very bad deal.

Meanwhile Frank confronts a Mexican drug dealer to ask where he can find Irina. His minion shoots the guy with a bright blue nail gun but he doesn’t know anything until a few nails later when he does. “They gotta place – El Monte.” Now it’s time for Seymon’s Mexican standoff number two, this time with actual Mexicans. Frank offers his clubs as a place for them to sell drugs if they give up where the girl is. They say maybe they can get her to call him. “It’s a start,” he says, “but then we’ll need to meet face to face.” He does a call with her and she says a skinny white cop gave her $500 to sell the stuff from Caspere’s house at the pawn shop. So, Frank wants to show her pictures but then when they’re to meet her throat is slit and the drug dealer’s high beams spotlights Seymon’s disappointment. Can Frank ever catch a break? Magic eight ball says unlikely at this time.

The trio team have a meeting to tell Antigone they’ve got her back and then give her a transponder to stick somewhere. Hey guys, I know a good place! Velcoro deadpans “Like in your shoe…” and we sense their chemistry building. Next thing for Bezzerides, she’s getting on the bus with the name Athena, a wig, and a sexy long dress. Meanwhile at the escort party house, a Swiss Alps looking mansion, viagra-filled glasses serve as table centerpieces. Velcoro and Woodrugh throw down a driveway security guard in a scene reminiscent of the Lion and Tin Man overtaking guards outside the Wicked Witch of the West’s castle.

The party people give Bezzerides a drug (like pure Molly – pretty great) at party onset so everything gets out of focus pronto. Still, she sneaks a knife from the meat platter before a creepy southern fat guy leads her around an orgy of sex scenes. So for all you peeps who miss Season One’s litany of naked ladies doing dirty deeds, this is the episode for you. Because of the drug, Antigone has some rancid flashbacks about a creepy cult guy from her childhood who took her into a van. She finds a toilet and makes herself vomit up the MDMA, finds Vera, and then kills at least one, maybe two guys, before escaping with Vera. “My missing person” she explains to Woodrugh in the driveway. That would have been a perfect title for this episode – My Missing Person… and not just because it’s unclear what the actual episode title means or references. No churches were ruined in this episode. Lots of people are missing, though, even among the apparently found.

While skulking outside the escort party Velcoro and Woodrugh overhear a slimy tuxedoed convo between Osip (Seymon’s lost business partner from episode one) and Jacob, who also made deals with Seymon. They’re ratifying alliances in a back library. The detectives then sneak inside to score contracts about the land deals with the fancypants perpetrators signatures all over them. This is primo evidence gathering and the episode concludes with this victory proclaimed as Woodrugh flips through the contracts in the getaway car with Bezzerides and Vera. Antigone says she killed someone and cries as they drive off full speed into the moonlight.

With only two episodes left my list of suspects for Caspere’s killer isn’t just short, it also seems pretty much beside the point. It matters to the main four characters, sure, but not as much as what they really want. Seymon really just wants his money back from the now dead Caspere deal. Velcoro’s main drive is to be the Dad-of-record. Woodrugh just wants to be a straight arrow and back on his bike. The real seeker of bad guys here is Bezzerides, who wants to get all stabby on them to save the day. And I, for one, want to see her do it.

–Katherine Recap

Mortal Kombat X #26

comiXology summary:
Mileena vs. Skarlet! Reiko vs. Kotal Kahn! The brawl for it all continues as a surprise new character joins the fray!

I’m a sucker.

I’m a sucker for a bunch of things.

I’m a sucker for a bunch of things in the same way that BDM has 15 or so movies in his “top 5” favorite movies.

Things I am a sucker for:

Juxtaposition – If you put unlike things together in an artful or internally-logical / consistent way, I will like it (or at least you will get points for it). Here we have a character that is 95% super sexy [and meant to be gazed on that way]… Trim figure, barely-there top, shiny leather pants… But, oh yeah, monster mouth. Ew. Gross. Yet…

Surprise! – I was always more of a Street Fighter guy as a kid than a Mortal Kombat guy, but I played some Mortal Kombat; sure. Back twenty or so years ago when these characters were first coming out, Mileena was more-or-less a sprite of 1-2 other ninja girls, except she had a sash over her mouth. The sash was — gasp — to cover up her gross monster mouth. This was only to be revealed via Special Move ™. Surprise! Now a couple of decades in, Mortal Kombat-consuming audiences know about her monster mouth and she is not even wearing any cover-up here. So the surprise is in the slavish depiction of her opposite number on the cover. He sees that she is a monster (not just some slim-if-deadly ninja doll). But he is still mesmerized, on his knees. Surprise!

Jae Lee – When I took an art class at age 17, on the first day the instructor gave us a questionnaire about what we wanted to learn / accomplish in that art class. I vividly remember writing some approximation of “to learn to draw like Jae Lee” on mine (which was probably horrifying to the instructor, who though American, changed both his first and last names to the French approximations, accent marks and all). I recounted that story to BDM some time in the ensuing twenty years and he remarked “I take it learning to draw feet was not high on your list” … Hmmm, awesome cover or no, Jae did not make with the feet here, did he?

This is a digital comics cover; and while I am not a regular consumer of Mortal Kombat X, my take is that it is the cover for both #26 and #27; it had me doing a double-take, which is saying something given it was a tiny icon on a browse page and not even a real magazine on a real newsstand. Like I said, I’m not the usual audience, but I not only clicked, but upon recognition of a style, I clicked and further clicked to confirm that it was in fact a Jae Lee… Up to and including writing up this piece.

From a style standpoint (and this might go back into the “juxtaposition” section) it really got me thinking about how Lee broadened his execution here. The Mileena figure on the left is pretty classic Lee. Sharp lines, very graphic use of blacks for outline, accent, and deep, opaque spaces that can be interpreted either as shadow or color (black). But on the right, the opposite character is finished in a very different way. Note the ink work on his headdress… That’s very “brush” rather than “pen”. Ditto on his musculature. Notice how she is all smooth and he is all feathery muscle-wise? While I would not go so far as to say the figures are from two different pieces, they seem quite differently-finished to me. I don’t know that that is a weakness (I think the piece overall is plenty striking and effective), I do think that it is pleasantly noggin-scratching for those of us who kind of stared at this cover for half an hour. Mayhap Lee is stretching his skills a little, in a way that most audiences might not even notice; he manages to do his usual thing while still channeling a mote of Alex Raymond (perhaps for future invocation).

Either way, looks cool.


Clean Rockin' Daddy

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Clean Rockin’ Daddy” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Clean Rockin’ Daddy.The band wants Johnny to write songs again but doesn’t want him using drugs and alcohol.

The first scene of the second episode opens with Johnny signing a contract for an awesome loft and dream job as a songwriter. The band’s manager – that lawyer from Ally McBeal who was obsessed with waddles – explains the terms. All he has to do is write five songs in two months. Flash already signed it and the deal’s a win-win. He signs it.

Next thing we know Gigi and Flash find Johnny in the studio waking up from a bender behind some drums. He got blasted the night before and wrote an awesome song. Everyone agrees. They rock it out and love it. But then the fact that he was high when he wrote it is apparently against the rules on this merry go around. Their manager insists Johnny has to stay clean while he writes songs under the contract he just signed. They all insist his health is the most important thing. When he asks them to name a great band or rock star that doesn’t get high they say Coldplay, Morrisey, Radiohead. Johnny says he rests his case.

“Every time I listen to a song by Radiohead I feel like I’m failing the SATs all over again.”

Despite Johnny’s numerous protestations that all the greatest songs are written under the influence, he eventually agrees to give it a shot. The drummer, Bam, is determined to help Johnny with a resolute sincerity, breathing exercises, and gluten free tater tots. He advises Johnny to “Breathe. Flow. Engage.” But Johnny really isn’t into that Sting record. Meanwhile the bass player may be named Rehab but he’s got a duffle bag full of pills that “help him stay clean and sober.” Those are the best kind, Rehab. We get it. Not only does Rehab have lots of Adderall, he’s got a gut bursting with rage and 29 songs about the Irish potato famine for Johnny to consider adding to the new album. Johnny’s willing to listen if it means he gets to finger those pills. Luckily he gets some in his system because the songs sound like the old days when people used to play records backward searching for secret satan messages.

Johnny’s pill-filled bloodstream helps with his fifteenth Flash convo about not sleeping with his daughter, a fun mocking parody of Morrisey/Radiohead pleading for the world to not eat meat, and a Gigi confrontation when Johnny explains that he’s not an addict but an artist and the drugs ease his expression. She doesn’t fall for it and confiscates the rest of his pills. Now Johnny’s officially down to a cup of coffee and slow sunset as inspiration for his next song… a falsetto whine about mining sinner’s gold that sounds like something “Sting would write living inside Sarah Maclaughlin’s vagina.”

After the band and their manager listen they’re immediately off to get him whiskey, weed, vodka, and Darvon so Johnny can get high and write a decent song. But no more blow, Gigi insists. She gets the best lines. But Johnny gets his way, so he wins this one.

–Katherine Recap

Red Velvet If You Please

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “Red Velvet If You Please” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
Red Velvet If You Please. Jim tries to stop eating junk food; Dave is hung over and shows up at a kid’s birthday party.

Jim returns from a Las Vegas work trip to Jeannie’s psychic abilities spinning in high gear. He walks in the door and she dispatches the kid cadre to the bedroom. Apparently he reeks of guilty wrongdoing, though Gaffigan appears to be regular sweet Jim to our unknowing audience eye.

Gaffigan sits with her on the couch and unwinds his tawdry tale of Las Vegas debauchery. Was he drinking? Jim says of course not but we see the flashback and Miller Lite was downed in abundance. Perhaps he’s just ashamed of drinking a beer that tastes like watered down backwash… but either way – he lies. We gotta forgive him right away, though, because it couldn’t have been that pleasant anyway.

Jim then explains to Jeannie how he turned to the Bible – Book of Job, specifically, to relieve his insomnia. Though his bible study actually turned out to be video gaming on the hotel TV, I think we can all understand how they’re essentially the same thing.

It’s at this moment when temptation literally knocks on the door. We hear a sexy lilt of music and there’s an entire red velvet cake set before him in the hallway without a person in sight. Jim tells Jeannie there was a waiter who explained that the cake was a gift from a group of nuns who saw his show and thought he seemed Christ-like. His initial rejection of the cake is true. At first he shuts the door to place a whistful cheek against it in Red Velvet longing. But we all know this is only to make the cake taste better later. You gotta play hard to get first.

Jim tells Jeannie how he ate half of it… slept off the hard work with the rest of the cake back out in the hall, then ate the rest in the morning. “Red Velvet is my Kryptonite,” he defends.

“Yeah, but you’re not Superman!” Jeannie points out in a telltale moment of family sanity. This leads to a hilarious tirade of rationalization jokes with a shout out to Big Gay Ice Cream, making any New Yorker’s heart melt for Jim. But then Jeannie brings it all down to earth when she reminds him he has a baby daughter and doesn’t he want to be at her wedding?

“Sure but will there be cake there?”

Then Daniel (Michael Ian Black), their real estate broker comes over and it becomes evident he’s actually more Jeannie’s BFF than their broker. When he leaves Jeannie gives Jim the delightful Saturday morning choice between taking four kids to swimming lessons at 8:30 AM or his daughter to a Central Park birthday party at eight AM. She suggests that maybe he should do the lessons since there will likely be cake at the party. Challenge accepted, Jeannie!

Leaving for the party his hungover friend, Dave pleads to tag along desiring to see the “yummy mummies” that might be there and because this is a TV show, he’s not disappointed – they’re all hotties, even the hugely pregnant one. This leads to that awkward mistaken-for-homeless problem for Dave, a dire predicament faced by many a NYC hipster after a bender. On the plus side, he does score some extra cash.

But Jim doesn’t notice Dave’s predicament because there’s a much more enticing party attendee, a red velvet cake – Jim’s Jezebel. He avoids her by crashing another party where for some reason they have a full spread of delicious dinners laid out at eight in the morning. But Jim’s distracted when he spies some kids messing with his velvet lady love, trailing grubby fingers in her perfect icing. He saves the day and smooths her out, like lovers do. But his lick of the knife registers Jim’s fatal flaw. There’s gonna be a showdown in cake town. Later the birthday girl notices her cake’s vandalization and Jim gets fingered as the Spartacus of icing, he’s got it in his beard, and the day is done.

When Gaffigan gets home Jeannie confronts him again. She got a call about his morning park antics. The confession couch makes Jim admit he’s got a real problem. He admits all. He ate the whole Las Vegas cake in one sitting for one. But it gets worse… Jim’s airport tale of overeating woe is so horrifying you may laugh until you wet your pants. I nearly did.

So, we have two things to thank Jim Gaffigan for tonight; introducing us to a channel with a serious identity crisis TVLand/Nick at Night… or is it just Nick? Hey guys, picking a name is the easiest part of having a TV channel! And more importantly, he made us laugh and – given the torrential tirade of fast food ads running with this show… we could all use that ab workout.

–Katherine Recap