[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Doctor Doctor” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Doctor Doctor Gigi insists the entire band see a noted musical therapist.

Queen Bee, Gigi declares that the band needs to see a shrink and thus gets an appointment with a shrink who’s healed the psychological scars of all the most screwed up rockers: Aerosmith, Roger Daltry, Kings of Leon, and Pete Townsend. The Assassins poo poo the whole idea while also walking toward the session to give it a shot – mainly because Gigi insists. She’s got the band by the balls… and Flash by that whole bodily region.

“A box of yesterday’s rain will heal today’s spiritual wound,” says the band’s new therapist, Dr. Bell (Griffin Dunne in a hippie wig), an actual psychiatrist and new-ager in socks, sandals, and the lotus position. After the requisite eyeroll, the Assassins immediately start bickering. Then with a deep resounding mantra that fills the room with his, “Ahhhhhhhh,” Dr. Bell assures the band he can heal all their issues by starting with individual sessions. They begin right away.

Each session with the shrink encapsulates the characters brilliantly in just a few moments of talking. Gigi pours out her truth – heart and soul – full of sweetness and vulnerability. She’s the real deal to the point that Dr. Bell ends up hitting on her. Ava gushes about Steven Tyler, specifically his perfect butt and how his lips are like a vagina on his face. Flash asks how old Dr. Bell thinks he looks – mid to late 30s? Johnny just falls straight into REM sleep on the therapy couch. And Bam Bam, the drummer delves into father issues along with lists of his favorite foods. Everybody’s getting their therapy on.

As a next step Dr. Bell gathers them in a circle for an egg ritual. Each egg represents a band member and they must pass them one by one around the “family” circle. If the egg breaks then the band/family member breaks, is the idea. But they never even get to pass the eggs around… breaking them all into a yolky mess on the floor before even having a chance to try handing them to each other. The next ritual involves them each doing a solo performance in front of the band. Ava does a sexy-ukulele-rollerskating-in-a-bathing-suit-and-knee-socks song that was definitely The BEST and almost convinces them to integrate ukulele into The Assassins repertoire. Speaking of being the best, Dr. Bell plays a mind game with Gigi and Johnny where they get uber competitive with each other. At the end Father and Daughter find out neither of them can win this way because “You win by talking and sharing with each other,” Oh Snap! They didn’t even attempt to do that part.

At their next band meeting Johnny takes Dr Bell’s advice about making amends and finally apologizes to Flash for sleeping with his wife decades ago. Everybody starts to wonder, for a moment, if maybe the therapy IS working. Then Ava takes the floor and gets to some deep authentic truths, though. She points out that Flash’s wife slept with everybody anyway. Then she calls Dr. Bell Yanni – an apt description. Ava declares that any great rock band works as a dictatorship and thus what matters in the Assassins is what their true leader wants. Because Gigi is Queen now, her desires are truly the band’s best interests.

People pleasing drummer, Bam Bam then talks fervently about recovering from his food addiction to assuage the now-stressing-out Dr Bell/Yanni… but then a pizza delivery guy comes with a pie for him, “You were supposed to call so I could meet you in the alley out back!” Bam Bam cries. Thus the intensely codependent Dr. Bell loses his shit. He calls the band a “symphony of narcissism. The most effed up band in the History of Rock n’ Roll.” Whoop, high five guys! They ride the high of winning that position in the History of Rock straight to the recording booth and lay out a new song.

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “Super Great Daddy Day” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
Super Great Daddy Day. When Jim mixes up a drawing with a school application, he and Jeannie hope that no one notices.

Jim wants to have a special Super Great Daddy Day with the kids but it turns out that means eating a fudgsicle in bed alone with the door shut. Then Jeannie gives him a list of errands entailing a variety of kid item dropoffs: birth certificate to the priest, cupcakes to a teacher, and a school application to fancypants academy.

Working his way slowly into the realm of responsibility, Jim stops off at a cafe with barista Macaulay Culkin to help his buddy Dave get out of a girlfriend jam. Yes, that was Jim’s girlfriend at the club last night with Dave. Yes, he is married with tons of kids. Yes, his wife is an abusive drunk who beats him. Yes, that’s why his face is so puffy. An eavesdropper at the counter nearby tries not to be horrified and Jim puts her in her place. Yes, it IS actually none of her business.

Then Jim brings cupcakes to Janeane Garofalo, his son’s teacher, and she gives him a drawing from class. His son drew Jim’s penis and though he’s resistant to even taking it, Garofalo tells him to “display it with pride” at home. So, he dutifully tucks it into his jacket pocket. Afterward Gaffigan drops off his daughter’s elite school application with a doorman who saw him perform once at Gotham Comedy Club. The doorman tells Jim how his wife had been insulted at the show when Jim didn’t respond kindly to her heckling. Jim explains that heckling is frowned upon but the doorman insists it’s a prerequisite for comedy shows – like the two drink minimum.

Gaffigan drops off the birth certificate with the priest and then, happy he’s finished with Jeannie’s errands, Jim returns home to another fudgsicle. Then Jeannie figures out he actually gave the drawing of his penis to the school rather than their daughter’s application. It’s an all girls Catholic school… the most prestigious one in Manhattan. Jim’s penis won’t exactly fit right in.

So, Jeannie brings the application over to the school with the hope that the drawing somehow won’t be noticed or mentioned in their interview at the school the following day. At least they have the application now, she figures. The interview is cooking along well until the interviewer probes Jim’s declaration about loving paintings and he starts to spiral out of control rambling about how he prefers “the blurry ones”.

The interviewer mentions a perplexing extra tucked into the application, sending terror up Gaffigan spines, but it’s actually just the birth certificate Jim had accidentally dropped off. So, no biggie! Just the birth certificate! Yay! Then as they’re riding the peak of their relief wave, Jim gets worried when the assistant to the interviewer happens to be the horrified eavesdropper from the cafe earlier. But the interviewer tells them they’re golden and their daughter’s getting in. So, when they leave it’s totally high five time.

Just as they step out the school door the doorman’s wife is suddenly there at the school entrance – ready for vengeance – or at least an apology from Jim. It’s time for a beatdown, baby! A serious scramble of cursing and flailing arms ensues… Unfortunately, the Catholic school interviewer watches from a window above and her assistant now knows it’s time to tell her boss some real truths about why Jim’s face is so puffy.

This episode of #GaffiganShow was already the best ever at this point in the story. Major zingers landing every minute and hilarious hijinx crammed out the wazoo… but still more laughs await because remember there’s still the missing drawing of Jim’s member… where is Jim’s penis now? In the last scene of Super Great Daddy Day the Gaffigan family is at church where the priest raves about a drawing he received from parish member Jim Gaffigan. It meant a lot to him – such a touching and symbolic portrait that depicts a tiny tower at the the center of a brown wheat field. The priest loved the picture so much he made it the front cover of the church newsletter, to the horror of his teenage acolyte, starts handing it out to the parish – as Jim swiftly flees out the back doors of the church.

Super Great Daddy Day is packed with such tightly woven wisecracks, it definitely ranks as the best Jim Gaffigan Show yet. Every season TV shows select one episode to send to the Emmy committee and this would be Gaffigan’s perfect pick. There’s a fantastic one liner or gag every minute. This is a show that really satisfies, a classic in the making. Feel like laughing? Get this one on your DVR.

–Katherine Recap

Go Person

It’s ironic how a game that was created to fill the void between sessions of other games has become so big, so large that it now suffers from the same problem. Maybe your MTGO draft is slow to fire, or your friend is late to your house, or you’re travelling to an event and want something to do in the afterhours when the hall is closed, but we’ve all had downtime while waiting to play Magic. Small, short games can offer a lot of interesting decisions while remaining tiny enough to only take up a little bit of your time. Sometimes, we need a game that lasts 5-15 minutes so we can fill some time before we get back to Magic.

So whether you’re at a GP, waiting for the eighth man to show up at your house to draft, or just looking for something a little different, here are eight games you can turn to when not playing Magic:

Love Letter

Love Letter

It’s hard to describe what type of game Love Letter is. It’s a party game. It’s a strategy game. Perhaps the best way to describe it is “fun.” While the theme is threadbare, you’re basically trying to eliminate the other players while being the last man standing or to have the highest card in your hand by the end of the round (which generally lasts as long as three minutes).



Hive is a two player chess variant that evolves as you play it. You get around 10-12 pieces to use to build a board, playing or moving hexes one at a time until you can surround the opponent’s queen. It’s similar to chess, but with a bit more unpredictability to it, since the play space changes as the game progresses.

The Duke

The Duke

Like Hive, The Duke is a two player chess variant where planning ahead and spacial thinking are key. Unlike Hive, the Duke has a lot more randomness in it – if you want to add a piece to the board, you pull a random one out of a bag, which means each game evolves differently than the last, and you have to learn to adapt on the fly instead of rely on a dominant type of piece.

Star Realms

Star Realms

Similar to Ascension or Dominion, Star Realms is a deck building game (designed by Magic: The Gathering Pro Tour Hall of Famer Darwin Kastle) where you all start with the same resources and compete to gain new ones, with the eventual goal of reducing your opponent to zero life before they do the same to you. Imagine if while you were drafting, you could play the spells you pick several turns later – it feels similar. Best of all, they have a digital version, so you don’t even need to carry much to a friend’s house or a GP!



If Scrabble didn’t have words and relied on pictures instead, you’d have Iota – a game about connecting shapes, colors and numbers on an evolving board in an attempt to get the most points possible. Depending on how you play your cards, you can get as little as two points or as many as hundreds. A game for people who like planning ahead, managing board space and matching symbols, Iota demands you to think harder than any other game on this list.

Eight Minute Empire

Eight Minute Empire

As the name implies, in Eight Minute Empire you have to conquer as much of the world as you can in eight minutes. For a game with few, if any words, it’s surprisingly complex and deep. You draft resources and points while deploying troops around the world, all in eight minutes. It’s like micro-Risk, but without spending eight minutes rolling dice each turn.

Sheriff of Nottingham

Sheriff of Nottingham

A bluffing game where you’re incentivized to lie to your friends constantly, Sheriff of Nottingham is a surprisingly simple game about trying to get away with as much as possible. Each turn, the Sheriff tries to question people about the goods in their bags, preventing people from smuggling more into the town than they say they have. Note that you may walk away from this game looking at your friends in a new light as they lie to your face over and over again.



Last but not least, Funemployed is a party game [designed by me 🙂] where people try to apply to jobs saying things they’d never say on an interview – how your Daddy Issues make you a great Superhero, or why your Jet Packs make you the best Secret Agent. It’s a game that can be played for three minutes or three hours, depending on who you’re with. Note that like Sheriff, it’s also possible that you walk away from this game looking at your friends in a new light too, but because they say crazy, unpredictable things.

So what about you guys? What are your favorite games to fill the time while waiting to play a game of Magic or when you need a change of pace?

–Anthony Conta

[For True Detective‘s “Omega Station” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Omega Station Frank, Ray, and Ani weigh their options as Caspere’s killer and the scope of corruption are revealed.

Midway through this finale episode Frank Seymon says, “Everything’s ending. Time to wake up,” and you’d better if you want to keep up with the action, intrigue, and details that comprise this last ninety minutes of True Detective Season Two.

The finale opens on the after-sex-cigarette conversation in bed with Bezzerides and Velcoro. They share their deepest and darkest so we know it wasn’t just physical fun between them. No sirree. They’ve fallen into the well of longing together and somebody actually found love through the travails of True Detective.

Next we’re in a train station where Frank’s lecturing his wife on how they can’t work. No kid. No us, he explains. Jordan replies “Fuck your martyrdom,” she’s not giving up on them as a team. But our team might as well be the Mets, we’re never gonna win! OK, he doesn’t really say that but that’s the basic deal. Seymon says Nails will take care of her in Venezuela. Two weeks hiding out in South America, Frank explains, then he’ll be there with her. “Wear a white dress,” he instructs. She tells him to wear a white jacket. All this seems a bit odd since one can only assume they’ll recognize each other regardless of which matching Fantasy Island ensembles they wear… or maybe it means something more. This is True Detective, after all. Symbolism.

On to a shot of Woodrugh’s body with Lieutenant Burris standing over him and calling in the death to Velcoro even though he also happens to be the one that shot and killed Paul. Ray suddenly becomes psychic and intensely confrontational, saying he knows Burris was involved in the diamond theft. After Ray hangs up with Burris he tells Ani it was Burris that killed Woodrugh. Somebody must have slipped the ring power on his finger or a crystal ball up his butt because at this moment he also realizes that the photographer at the movie set was the little boy at the diamond theft. Thus they’ve found the pair of kids who lost their parents – Laura and Leonard.

Next thing we know, Ani and Ray find Laura handcuffed to a fireplace. She tells them she and her brother, Leonard, infiltrated the escort parties to get Tony Chessani and Ben Caspere back for the deaths of their parents. But then Len had gotten “carried away” when getting Caspere to talk and ended up killing him. Len handcuffed her there before heading out to kill Police Chief Holloway at the train station because Holloway was the main cop behind the diamond theft all those years ago. They get Laura’s testimony recorded and Bezzerides puts her on a bus to Seattle. Velcoro heads out to the train station and calls Frank to fill him in on the details.

Seymon throws down a duffle bag full of ammo and big guns onto a bed in the back room of the David Lynchean club. He tells the scar-faced hottie bartender he’s headed out of town and needs her help. Also, Velcoro and a woman are going to need safe passage to South America. She just nods knowingly, like ya do. Apparently Frank and Ray had helped her out over the years and she owes them both big time.

Ray goes to the train station and tells Leonard (who’s allegedly the blade AND the bullet) not to do it. Be the change you wanna see in the world, dude. Velcoro’s got a white cowboy hat on for subtlety’s sake during his pow wow with Chief Holloway on a bench in the middle of the station. The Chief’s like, who woulda thought you had a brain in your pretty head, Ray?

Then Leonard overhears Holloway say Laura was actually Caspere’s illegitimate daughter and this sharpens his furious blade. He leaps into action and stabs the Chief. Then Burris starts shooting from the wings and takes out Ray’s recorder – destroying it and any messages it may contain. But we’re not clear if it’s the one with messages to his son or the one with Laura’s testimony. It’s True Detective, so just pick whichever one seems more tragic to you at the moment. Meanwhile Bezzerides whisks Velcoro away just in time as the Chief shoots Leonard and a bunch of train station cops shoot and kill Holloway.

Bezzerides now listens to Frank’s lecture series on the importance of relationships in the bar’s back room full of beds, guns, and ammo. He asks her to talk to his wife in Venezuela. Then he convinces Velcoro to run away to Venezuela and says he’ll fund the trip. All Ray has to do is help him take down the Crystal Ranch money exchange – easy peasy. Then he tells Velcoro that Blake was the one who’d set up the wrong rapist guy Ray had killed all those years ago and that Frank himself took care of the guy, killing him in a not very nice way.

Bezzerides and Velcoro share a smoke on one of the back room beds and discuss the plan for running away to Venezuela. They hold hands which seems to be a sign that they’re going – Hope. Then it’s time for the Crystal Ranch showdown. Bezzerides finds Pitlor in his desk chair with wrists cut and sunglasses still on. Seymon and Velcoro take the bad guys by surprise, attacking the money exchange with gas masks and machine guns. Frank even gets to say a snarky farewell to Osip before killing him. It’s all so very tidy. Seymon and Ray collect the Crystal Ranch stacks of money and then have a parking lot goodbye chat – Velcoro’s white cowboy hat now noticeably absent. He calls Ani from the car, duffle bag full of money in tow and it’s Venezuela or bust, baby. Frank settles his deals with the diamond guy and the bakers. Everybody’s officially on the run now.

Ray take a last minute peak at his son through a playground fence and sees the special honorary badge in glass that says Velcoro sitting next to him at recess. He gives the kid a salute and leaves, proud. Returning to his car, Velcoro sees it’s wired with a transponder and there’s a black SUV nearby. Unable to remove the device, Ray drives away, knowing he’s being followed. Velcoro calls Bezzerides and tells her to take the files and recordings and go to Venezuela without him. So, now we know the recorder that got destroyed in the gunfight was the one with Ray’s messages to his son. Ray then tells the scar-faced bartender he’s not going to make it but to make sure Bezzerides gets on the boat.

He records a last message to his son on his phone but it refuses to upload, forever destroying our faith in technology to satisfy the need for human connection. Velcoro then abandons his car and the shitload of cash in the woods. He runs into the trees with machine gun-toting cops up his ass. Out of necessity, Ray ends up choosing a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid ending for himself and dies among the redwoods – police machine guns blazing. His father see a news report that he was a fugitive, killed by a heroic tactical squad. Sadness reigns… until his wife gets those paternity test results and it turns out the fat redheaded kid was actually his son all along with a 99.9% level of certainty.

Seymon gets carjacked then takes a ride with some unsavory types pointing guns at every pore of his skin. They take him to a showdown in the desert where he offers up a million dineros in return for a knife in the back. The bad guys leave him in the dust with a grave all dug and ready for his tall and lanky bod. He wrangles his way across an eternity of sand to nowhere with a wound the size of Guam dripping buckets. The ghost of his hateful father and high school bullies mock him until finally, at the end of Frank’s story, sweet Jordan in the white dress gives him the bad news – he’s dead.

In the aftermath we see Tony Chessani become the Mayor of Vinci. Woodrugh gets his very own memorial highway and Catalast Group sets up a high speed rail in Vinci. So, now we know that was the corporation’s goal in buying up all the worthless land. In the final scene Ani, still in Venezuela, tells the whole sordid Vinci story to a hottie reporter who can give the all the dirty deets to the Times. She’s been staying with Seymon’s wife, Nails, and a baby that must be Velcoro’s. They’re on the move now, maybe back to the States. Unfortunately, Ani and Ray’s child can’t grow up to be President… because their baby boy was born in Venezuela.

There’s a mixed bag of audience emotion to sort at the end of True Detective Season Two. On the bright side, it’s satisfying to have all the loose ends tied up – a lot of people died and we know how it all transpired… once we finish parsing out the excel spreadsheet of villainous names that start with the letter ‘C’. Another positive is the perfect episode title, “Omega Station”. It’s not easy to place a consummate cap on a show like that and they do it well here. But in the True Detective tradition of not sticking to silver linings too long, this season felt like a bouillon cube that had the potential to be a full blown bouillabaisse. Why not just make it ten fleshed-out episodes rather than this red wine reduction of eight crammed to the hilt? This season was brought to you by minute rice. Yes, it’s still technically rice and it can even be good with the right accompanying meal – but risotto tastes a hell of a lot better and it’s just a more pleasurable experience overall.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “What You Like Is in the Limo” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
What You Like Is in the Limo The Heathens find out they are somehow still big in Belgium.

Johnny gets mistaken for Christopher Walken at a photo shoot so, “Do I really look seventy?” is all he can say or think about for awhile. But then Johnny gets distracted from his persona’s fossilization process when the band finds out they’re big in Belgium. It’s mainly because in Belgium they thought Johnny was dead… and now that they found out he’s alive they’re calling it The Second Coming. The band’s excited because Belgium has great pharmaceuticals not yet available in the US… and the best waffles.

Flash is still angry and wants to drop Johnny from the band. Aren’t we The Assassins now? And isn’t Gigi the lead singer? Ahhhh, but the Belgium offer is big bucks and they want Johnny at the microphone. There’s the rub. So, one more gig with Johnny as lead singer. It’s decided, manager and all.

In the surreal follow up scene Ava drinks red wine and twirls around the room voicing the unconscious expectations of the band – Johnny’s gonna screw it all up then Gigi will take the mic in hand, save the band, and become a huge star. Afterward Ava and Johnny chat while she’s wearing a distractingly perfect black bra and she pep talks him to the point that Johnny believes he can really pull it off this time – though he’s choked at every other big opportunity. Then Flash tells Gigi they need to cut Johnny loose because it’s all about making great music. But even though they call each other “Honey” and “Baby” now, Gigi doesn’t fall for it. She’s giving Daddy a chance in Belgium.

Their Belgium show sells out in seven hours and the band makes a hilarious game out of constructing the most ridiculous backstage rider in rock history – including celebrity look alike masseuses, a batman bong, a sixteen foot snake, and a catalogue of pills not yet FDA approved in the US. Gigi and the Flash try to talk sense, bringing up the concept of “priorities” ,,, but listing cool shit to have backstage is just the most fun so the rest of the band ignores them. This rider will live in infamy. Fist pump, baby!

Next Johnny takes the stage in Belgium but the drummer Bam Bam does an unapproved solo right at the start and throws him off his rockstar game. Then thanks to some of those non-FDA-approved Belgium pills, Johnny imagines an owl with red eyes diving for him, a teleprompter full of insults, and a coiled snake on stage. He makes a run for backstage and insists Gigi take over. She handles it like a pro and struts to the mic in a bodacious low cut number with cocksure swagger. Their IT girl blows the crowd away – like she always does. Gigi was born to be a rock star.

After the show in the limo their manager tells them the band’s already asked back for two gigs in Belgium next year. Flash, in bedazzled vinyl pants, fights (again) to cut Johnny out of the band. Goodbye Heathens, Hello Assassins! But Gigi take the reigns before this greeting/goodbye even lands. She renames the band Gigi and the Assassins. Johnny’s going to stay on as songwriter like she’s always said. Then Gigi’s even got a new rider in mind for next year’s Belgium gig and it includes bone teardrop Chopard earrings for her. The girl’s got it all figured out and says Johnny has to start seeing a shrink – in fact the whole band does because, “This band’s so dysfunctional, it makes Metallics look like the Jonas Brothers.”

So, next week we’ll see the latest machinations of Gigi as she gradually owns The Assassins. It’s becoming The Gigi show as she always handles rockstar adversity with such capable aplomb at the wheel – while Johnny is the Bugs Bunny, monkey wrench, Frivolous McGee in her sidecar. He keeps things interesting while she methodically conspires to rule the world with a pink bikini and killer voice as her greatest weapons. Gigi gets what Gigi wants. So, the big question becomes – what will she want next?

–Katherine Recap

Last week, Chris and I sat down to get hyped about Pro Tour: Origins in Vancouver. Instead, we ended up getting hyped about Luis Scott-Vargas.

Chris asks if variance is a threat to Magic’s long-term viability, and I have a thing or two to say about that. Also, I recap a recent Modern PPTQ I nearly won with a tier-1 deck that no one seems to appreciate… which is excellent against Grixis Delver.

We also discuss some of the more absurd cards from Magic’s early days, and, as usual, play some games. Listen below, or subscribe on iTunes!

Follow us at:


(Chris doesn’t use his Twitter account, but you can harass him there anyway. His phone number is in the podcast if you want to bug him via text message!)

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “In the Name of the Father” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
In the Name of the Father. Jim and Jeannie agree to dine with Daniel and his father in order to act as buffers.

Jeannie’s best friend, Daniel enters Jim and Jeannie’s apartment with a still warm cronut for Jim. It may just be a plea to get Jim to go to dinner with Daniel’s Dad – where he’d make an awesome buffer. So, Gaffigan resists the temptation of the cronut – a mighty feat – and is even about to walk out in a self righteous huff …how-could-you-etc. But then Daniel mentions that the Dad dinner is at Smith and Wollensky’s and next thing you know Jim’s negotiating how many sides he can order at the meal. As many as he wants….

Gaffigan then meets his BFF, Dave at Katz’s, to discuss their next show. It’s set to happen right after the dinner with Daniel’s father. Dave’s nervous because his hyper critical mother will be there, a real treat for Jim who enjoys a healthy dose of schadenfreude now and then – being human and all. Meanwhile Jeannie expresses her concern that Daniel’s Dad always gets everyone tanked on scotch at these dinners and Jim can’t succumb this time with the standup show falling right afterward, “Just one beer,” Gaffigan promises.

Then it’s dinner and everything goes just as expected. Jim plays pleasant buffer and laughs uproariously with Daniel’s Dad while swiftly downing three scotches. After dinner Gaffigan orders four pieces of cake before asking the others, “And do any of you guys want dessert?” So, Jeannie’s already got her horrified wife pants on at the point when Daniel’s Father calls her Jim’s “designated downer.” She does what people do when they can’t beat ‘em and starts sucking down scotches.

By the time they get to Jim’s standup show with Dave everybody’s plastered and Jim, who was just introduced as “The King of Clean Comedy” takes a hard right into F bomb town even though Dave specifically asked him to stick to safe material with the boatload of little old ladies watching. But then it turns out Dave’s never-satisfied-mother and her friends thinks Dave did the best out of all the comics and that completely makes his day. Jim and Jeannie are too drunk to care. Daniel’s still safely in the buffer zone with Dad. Everybody’s a winner after dinner.

They go drinking and dancing at Sardis, where Dave picks up a Hot Old Lady, then ride a ferry past the Statue of Liberty. Everybody’s still having a smashing-smashed good time, Jeannie most of all even though she’s barfing over the side of the boat. “She’s been pregnant five times; throwing up is her second language,” Jim explains.

In the end things get slightly more serious when Daniel’s Father appears to have an actual heart attack after pretending a multitude of times for the sake of laughs. There’s Father/Son bonding at the hospital when Daniel’s Dad suggests maybe they’d connect more if there weren’t always so many people around every time he comes to town. Oh, SNAP, Daniel’s Father! You noticed.

Jim and Jeannie wake up the next morning still wearing night-before-clothes and on top of the covers. Their kids stand at the door shouting to wake them, “Who’s the strange man in the tub?” they wanna know. Turns out, it’s Dave curled up and still wearing a Statue of Liberty foam visor. He asks if anyone remembers his Hot Old Lady’s number. “I think she was seventy,” Jeannie says. It’s a perfect ending to this episode which is the first to focus more on peripheral characters than Jim and Jeannie. Yes, they’ve got the too-much-scotch story and are present at all the evening’s events but essentially this episode proves that The Jim Gaffigan show doesn’t just serve as spotlight on one man’s life. It’s a true NYC story where many characters matter and that keeps things interesting. In other words, this show’s got legs, baby!

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Black Maps and Hotel Rooms” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Black Maps and Hotel Rooms Ray, Ani, and Paul take precautionary measures to elude detection and untangle a dark mystery.

You may have noticed that the opening credits for True Detective this season change slightly in lyrics with each episode to give you teeny tiny hints. It was most evident at the onset of this second-to-last, ultra-episode when for the first time the credits don’t end with “Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind,” anymore but rather, “I was your kin. I was your kind,” …a tipoff that the bad guys are cops but you probably knew that already.

Woodrugh starts off the episode in a motel room looking through evidence as he ignores five calls from his fiancé and the gorgeous Vera, sleeping just feet away. In a nearby room Bezzerides straddles Velcoro and they’re about to satisfy our lustful curiosity when the drugs she had at the party take her down and out of the action. “You’re too far out of my league anyway,” he says before leaving. Awww shucks, Ray – hot, naughty, AND humble. Take off your pants already.

Back at Frank’s club he finally hears the name Osip again – this time Velcoro’s telling him Osip works with his guy Bates, that same guy who put Bezzerides on the bus. Seymon calls Bates into his office and breaks a glass full of booze across his cheek in a long slow motion shot – crystal shards dance in the air. Turns out this is THE guy. Not only was he working with Osip behind Frank’s back, he’s the guy that lied about the rapist of Velcoro’s wife all those years ago. Seymon’s just about to squeeze the last molecule of life out of him when Bates says he knows where there’s money – ostensibly for Frank to score. Osip will hand over $12 million in Caspere’s shares to Catalyst tomorrow night at Crystal Ranch. Blake offers to do a “triple cross” and be his man on the inside… right before Frank kills him.

Velcoro shows up for a parking lot meeting with Davis, the State’s Attorney, only to find her dead of a chest gunshot wound in the driver’s seat. “Have I got a score for you…,” he says before seeing her situation and bolting. Then the trio are back together talking, smoking, and drinking in the motel. Together they unwind the twisted mystery of Caspere’s murder and even the diamond robbery but who to report to now that Davis is dead? Does anybody actually give a crap about that stupid dead perv city manager guy anymore?

Seymon now has only his henchman, Nails, and his wife left that he can trust. So, he gets transferable tickets to Ecuador and “clean” passports. Frank still doesn’t know who killed Caspere but he makes a sweet deal with a diamond guy seemingly with a large supply ready to exchange. So, it appears Seymon may know where the diamonds from that robbery twenty three years ago might be. Then Osip confronts him at the casino and lays everything on the table with a slimy smile. Seymon pretends to go along but then evacuates the club and burns that shit to the ground. He lights up his other club and the watches the fire destroy every last bit of hope from a nearby rooftop. Burn baby burn. Frank’s carrying an awkward, obvious messenger bag in these scenes and it makes one wonder if he gets that confident swagger from a buttload of diamonds at his side.

Bezzerides and Velcoro think it out at the motel without Woodrugh now. They connect Caspere’s secretary, Laura to the escort party and then possibly link her to to the twenty three year old diamond robbery. Was she the little girl that watched her parents die execution style? It looks like it and if so she certainly doesn’t trust cops. Police were behind the diamond robbery and thus likely also woven through this whole shebang like a corrupt cop crazy quilt. It’s all coming together now and looks like maybe Ray and Ani will be doing the same thanks to Whiskey in plastic motel cups. She whispers that he’s not a bad man then Ray insists that yes, he is. Finally the pants come off.

Meanwhile Woodrugh gets multiple threat texts from a shady someone who has both pics of him kissing a dude AND awareness that his fiancé’s name is Emily. He puts Emily in another motel room for protection. Then faces off with his blackmailer in a badly lit warehouse. It becomes clear the blackmailer is another cop, the dirty kind. For a minute it appears Paul’s actually on the bad guy team and about to betray the trio. Then a special forces switch flips inside him and he kicks some major corrupt cop ass. Woodrugh extricates himself from several impossible, nailbiting situations to climb a ladder into the sky, run down a hallway, and leave the warehouse to feel the sunshine on his face. Unfortunately, right at this moment of freedom Paul gets shot in the back of the head. This time there’s no trick to it, though – two shots at close range and his pretty boy blood stains the cement. Woodrugh is dead. The trio is now officially a duo.

It’s just the two lovebirds against the world in next week’s finale. The real meaty questions aren’t about Caspere’s killer at this point. Who killed Woodrugh? Is Pitlor (Rick Springfield) still getting reconstructive plastic surgery from Velcoro’s beatdown or will he be in the finale? What’s Frank’s escape plan and are the fires his only revenge? The Crystal Ranch showdown is sure to involve a Raymond brand revenge beating for Paul’s killer and invariably Bezzerides will back him up – if not lead the charge herself, knives at the ready.

–Katherine Recap