Hollywood

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “What You Like Is in the Limo” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
What You Like Is in the Limo The Heathens find out they are somehow still big in Belgium.

Johnny gets mistaken for Christopher Walken at a photo shoot so, “Do I really look seventy?” is all he can say or think about for awhile. But then Johnny gets distracted from his persona’s fossilization process when the band finds out they’re big in Belgium. It’s mainly because in Belgium they thought Johnny was dead… and now that they found out he’s alive they’re calling it The Second Coming. The band’s excited because Belgium has great pharmaceuticals not yet available in the US… and the best waffles.

Flash is still angry and wants to drop Johnny from the band. Aren’t we The Assassins now? And isn’t Gigi the lead singer? Ahhhh, but the Belgium offer is big bucks and they want Johnny at the microphone. There’s the rub. So, one more gig with Johnny as lead singer. It’s decided, manager and all.

In the surreal follow up scene Ava drinks red wine and twirls around the room voicing the unconscious expectations of the band – Johnny’s gonna screw it all up then Gigi will take the mic in hand, save the band, and become a huge star. Afterward Ava and Johnny chat while she’s wearing a distractingly perfect black bra and she pep talks him to the point that Johnny believes he can really pull it off this time – though he’s choked at every other big opportunity. Then Flash tells Gigi they need to cut Johnny loose because it’s all about making great music. But even though they call each other “Honey” and “Baby” now, Gigi doesn’t fall for it. She’s giving Daddy a chance in Belgium.

Their Belgium show sells out in seven hours and the band makes a hilarious game out of constructing the most ridiculous backstage rider in rock history – including celebrity look alike masseuses, a batman bong, a sixteen foot snake, and a catalogue of pills not yet FDA approved in the US. Gigi and the Flash try to talk sense, bringing up the concept of “priorities” ,,, but listing cool shit to have backstage is just the most fun so the rest of the band ignores them. This rider will live in infamy. Fist pump, baby!

Next Johnny takes the stage in Belgium but the drummer Bam Bam does an unapproved solo right at the start and throws him off his rockstar game. Then thanks to some of those non-FDA-approved Belgium pills, Johnny imagines an owl with red eyes diving for him, a teleprompter full of insults, and a coiled snake on stage. He makes a run for backstage and insists Gigi take over. She handles it like a pro and struts to the mic in a bodacious low cut number with cocksure swagger. Their IT girl blows the crowd away – like she always does. Gigi was born to be a rock star.

After the show in the limo their manager tells them the band’s already asked back for two gigs in Belgium next year. Flash, in bedazzled vinyl pants, fights (again) to cut Johnny out of the band. Goodbye Heathens, Hello Assassins! But Gigi take the reigns before this greeting/goodbye even lands. She renames the band Gigi and the Assassins. Johnny’s going to stay on as songwriter like she’s always said. Then Gigi’s even got a new rider in mind for next year’s Belgium gig and it includes bone teardrop Chopard earrings for her. The girl’s got it all figured out and says Johnny has to start seeing a shrink – in fact the whole band does because, “This band’s so dysfunctional, it makes Metallics look like the Jonas Brothers.”

So, next week we’ll see the latest machinations of Gigi as she gradually owns The Assassins. It’s becoming The Gigi show as she always handles rockstar adversity with such capable aplomb at the wheel – while Johnny is the Bugs Bunny, monkey wrench, Frivolous McGee in her sidecar. He keeps things interesting while she methodically conspires to rule the world with a pink bikini and killer voice as her greatest weapons. Gigi gets what Gigi wants. So, the big question becomes – what will she want next?

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “In the Name of the Father” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
In the Name of the Father. Jim and Jeannie agree to dine with Daniel and his father in order to act as buffers.

Jeannie’s best friend, Daniel enters Jim and Jeannie’s apartment with a still warm cronut for Jim. It may just be a plea to get Jim to go to dinner with Daniel’s Dad – where he’d make an awesome buffer. So, Gaffigan resists the temptation of the cronut – a mighty feat – and is even about to walk out in a self righteous huff …how-could-you-etc. But then Daniel mentions that the Dad dinner is at Smith and Wollensky’s and next thing you know Jim’s negotiating how many sides he can order at the meal. As many as he wants….

Gaffigan then meets his BFF, Dave at Katz’s, to discuss their next show. It’s set to happen right after the dinner with Daniel’s father. Dave’s nervous because his hyper critical mother will be there, a real treat for Jim who enjoys a healthy dose of schadenfreude now and then – being human and all. Meanwhile Jeannie expresses her concern that Daniel’s Dad always gets everyone tanked on scotch at these dinners and Jim can’t succumb this time with the standup show falling right afterward, “Just one beer,” Gaffigan promises.

Then it’s dinner and everything goes just as expected. Jim plays pleasant buffer and laughs uproariously with Daniel’s Dad while swiftly downing three scotches. After dinner Gaffigan orders four pieces of cake before asking the others, “And do any of you guys want dessert?” So, Jeannie’s already got her horrified wife pants on at the point when Daniel’s Father calls her Jim’s “designated downer.” She does what people do when they can’t beat ‘em and starts sucking down scotches.

By the time they get to Jim’s standup show with Dave everybody’s plastered and Jim, who was just introduced as “The King of Clean Comedy” takes a hard right into F bomb town even though Dave specifically asked him to stick to safe material with the boatload of little old ladies watching. But then it turns out Dave’s never-satisfied-mother and her friends thinks Dave did the best out of all the comics and that completely makes his day. Jim and Jeannie are too drunk to care. Daniel’s still safely in the buffer zone with Dad. Everybody’s a winner after dinner.

They go drinking and dancing at Sardis, where Dave picks up a Hot Old Lady, then ride a ferry past the Statue of Liberty. Everybody’s still having a smashing-smashed good time, Jeannie most of all even though she’s barfing over the side of the boat. “She’s been pregnant five times; throwing up is her second language,” Jim explains.

In the end things get slightly more serious when Daniel’s Father appears to have an actual heart attack after pretending a multitude of times for the sake of laughs. There’s Father/Son bonding at the hospital when Daniel’s Dad suggests maybe they’d connect more if there weren’t always so many people around every time he comes to town. Oh, SNAP, Daniel’s Father! You noticed.

Jim and Jeannie wake up the next morning still wearing night-before-clothes and on top of the covers. Their kids stand at the door shouting to wake them, “Who’s the strange man in the tub?” they wanna know. Turns out, it’s Dave curled up and still wearing a Statue of Liberty foam visor. He asks if anyone remembers his Hot Old Lady’s number. “I think she was seventy,” Jeannie says. It’s a perfect ending to this episode which is the first to focus more on peripheral characters than Jim and Jeannie. Yes, they’ve got the too-much-scotch story and are present at all the evening’s events but essentially this episode proves that The Jim Gaffigan show doesn’t just serve as spotlight on one man’s life. It’s a true NYC story where many characters matter and that keeps things interesting. In other words, this show’s got legs, baby!

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Black Maps and Hotel Rooms” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Black Maps and Hotel Rooms Ray, Ani, and Paul take precautionary measures to elude detection and untangle a dark mystery.

You may have noticed that the opening credits for True Detective this season change slightly in lyrics with each episode to give you teeny tiny hints. It was most evident at the onset of this second-to-last, ultra-episode when for the first time the credits don’t end with “Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind,” anymore but rather, “I was your kin. I was your kind,” …a tipoff that the bad guys are cops but you probably knew that already.

Woodrugh starts off the episode in a motel room looking through evidence as he ignores five calls from his fiancé and the gorgeous Vera, sleeping just feet away. In a nearby room Bezzerides straddles Velcoro and they’re about to satisfy our lustful curiosity when the drugs she had at the party take her down and out of the action. “You’re too far out of my league anyway,” he says before leaving. Awww shucks, Ray – hot, naughty, AND humble. Take off your pants already.

Back at Frank’s club he finally hears the name Osip again – this time Velcoro’s telling him Osip works with his guy Bates, that same guy who put Bezzerides on the bus. Seymon calls Bates into his office and breaks a glass full of booze across his cheek in a long slow motion shot – crystal shards dance in the air. Turns out this is THE guy. Not only was he working with Osip behind Frank’s back, he’s the guy that lied about the rapist of Velcoro’s wife all those years ago. Seymon’s just about to squeeze the last molecule of life out of him when Bates says he knows where there’s money – ostensibly for Frank to score. Osip will hand over $12 million in Caspere’s shares to Catalyst tomorrow night at Crystal Ranch. Blake offers to do a “triple cross” and be his man on the inside… right before Frank kills him.

Velcoro shows up for a parking lot meeting with Davis, the State’s Attorney, only to find her dead of a chest gunshot wound in the driver’s seat. “Have I got a score for you…,” he says before seeing her situation and bolting. Then the trio are back together talking, smoking, and drinking in the motel. Together they unwind the twisted mystery of Caspere’s murder and even the diamond robbery but who to report to now that Davis is dead? Does anybody actually give a crap about that stupid dead perv city manager guy anymore?

Seymon now has only his henchman, Nails, and his wife left that he can trust. So, he gets transferable tickets to Ecuador and “clean” passports. Frank still doesn’t know who killed Caspere but he makes a sweet deal with a diamond guy seemingly with a large supply ready to exchange. So, it appears Seymon may know where the diamonds from that robbery twenty three years ago might be. Then Osip confronts him at the casino and lays everything on the table with a slimy smile. Seymon pretends to go along but then evacuates the club and burns that shit to the ground. He lights up his other club and the watches the fire destroy every last bit of hope from a nearby rooftop. Burn baby burn. Frank’s carrying an awkward, obvious messenger bag in these scenes and it makes one wonder if he gets that confident swagger from a buttload of diamonds at his side.

Bezzerides and Velcoro think it out at the motel without Woodrugh now. They connect Caspere’s secretary, Laura to the escort party and then possibly link her to to the twenty three year old diamond robbery. Was she the little girl that watched her parents die execution style? It looks like it and if so she certainly doesn’t trust cops. Police were behind the diamond robbery and thus likely also woven through this whole shebang like a corrupt cop crazy quilt. It’s all coming together now and looks like maybe Ray and Ani will be doing the same thanks to Whiskey in plastic motel cups. She whispers that he’s not a bad man then Ray insists that yes, he is. Finally the pants come off.

Meanwhile Woodrugh gets multiple threat texts from a shady someone who has both pics of him kissing a dude AND awareness that his fiancé’s name is Emily. He puts Emily in another motel room for protection. Then faces off with his blackmailer in a badly lit warehouse. It becomes clear the blackmailer is another cop, the dirty kind. For a minute it appears Paul’s actually on the bad guy team and about to betray the trio. Then a special forces switch flips inside him and he kicks some major corrupt cop ass. Woodrugh extricates himself from several impossible, nailbiting situations to climb a ladder into the sky, run down a hallway, and leave the warehouse to feel the sunshine on his face. Unfortunately, right at this moment of freedom Paul gets shot in the back of the head. This time there’s no trick to it, though – two shots at close range and his pretty boy blood stains the cement. Woodrugh is dead. The trio is now officially a duo.

It’s just the two lovebirds against the world in next week’s finale. The real meaty questions aren’t about Caspere’s killer at this point. Who killed Woodrugh? Is Pitlor (Rick Springfield) still getting reconstructive plastic surgery from Velcoro’s beatdown or will he be in the finale? What’s Frank’s escape plan and are the fires his only revenge? The Crystal Ranch showdown is sure to involve a Raymond brand revenge beating for Paul’s killer and invariably Bezzerides will back him up – if not lead the charge herself, knives at the ready.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Lust For Life” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:

Lust For Life Johnny decides to stay dead for financial reasons.

Episode three kicks off with Johnny explaining to Gigi that nobody has ever really loved him. He says what happens is they actually just fall in love with the “idea” of him and then end up disappointed in the real deal. Soon after this de facto heart-to-heart, Johnny finds out the Internet is proclaiming he’s dead – choked on a chicken bone. Johnny tries to get over the fact that Rolling Stone hasn’t picked up the story when his manager suggests that maybe he’s best off deceased because the info that he’s dead has been boosting album sales. Johnny agrees as long as they can “come up with a cooler way to kill him.” Unfortunately, all the hippest deaths were taken by former rock stars. The band then fights over who gets to shoot him while getting increasingly excited about changing their name to The Assassins.

Johnny hears Gigi say, “You’ll be a rock n’ roll legend” and signs on for the brilliant plan, while Flash gets to fulfill his decades old dream of killing him. When the news of his repackaged shooting death hits the real media, ie blogs, Johnny’s girlfriend, Ava, gets flowers from hot rock stars. Then the news comes out that at some point in his career Johnny slept with Joan Jett. This infuriates Ava. She’s incensed because apparently when it happened Johnny didn’t even have the consideration to ask Joan if she wanted a threeway “she’s into girls, ya know.” Yeah, we knew that, Ava but we didn’t know how completely awesome you are – until now.

Johnny’s death doesn’t just boost sales for old Heathens albums it also serves as an “origin story for Gigi’s new band”. Buzz develops momentum thanks to her Twitter-posted pink bikini bod and she begins to develop name recognition. At the same time videos start rolling online of Johnny’s historically frequent “vomiting incidents” during shows. Subsequently, Gigi gets the jitters about her first big gig and tells Johnny a Brooklyn version of the Jonah and the whale bible story to explain how she’s his second chance at fame – a big responsibility for such a petite girl. Gigi hopes she didn’t inherit his fear of success making Johnny realize his kid is insightful and maybe he really does have a second chance now – thanks to her.

Joan Jett makes a sexy, funny rockstar guest appearance backstage at Gigi’s gig. She emasculates Johnny and encourages Gigi with the perfect advice all in one swift encounter. Then Johnny figures out that his death hoax, which essentially got Gigi’s band on the map, was orchestrated by the band’s manager to raise their Q score. But Johnny can see it’s working as an undeniable of-the-moment rock n’ roll coup, so he agrees to the Twitter handle @GigisDad along with the Tweet announcing that in fact, he’s actually alive.

The episode wraps with Gigi performing a song she and Johnny wrote together. She invigorates the room with sublime sex appeal and a thrilling voice – exquisite bliss for audience ears in the age of auto-tune. Joan Jett says what everyone’s already thinking, The girl’s gonna be a star. Johnny watches from the wings with a smile because this It Girl is his girl. When she sings their song it’s clear Johnny finally knows for sure that somebody loves the real him after all. He wipes away a tear and then the crowd starts chanting “Gigi, Gigi, Gigi….”

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “A Night at the Plaza” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
A Night at the Plaza Jim plans a romantic anniversary that includes a Broadway show and a hotel stay.

It’s wedding anniversary time and Jim even remembered this year. Sure it’s the day before and what he actually remembers is, in fact, a dentist appointment but in his defense those can be milestones too. Like the one when you find out you’re grinding at night… and not in the good way. Turns out Jim’s friend, Dave has a new girlfriend who works at the Plaza Hotel and Gaffigan gets the idea to score a tad cheaper room with this connection. Amazing anniversary gift! What could go wrong? Maybe Jim’s dentist won’t be the only one drilling this week after all.

Then Gaffigan decides to tack on a Broadway show just to make this occasion super special for Jeannie. It’s a banner year for wedded bliss! Especially given that last year they celebrated with a visit to Shake Shack. To save money on the Broadway show, Jim gets in line at the TKTS booth in Times Square. It’s a time-honored NYC tradition exclusively for those who love standing for hours among the riff raff with fantasies about Book of Mormon tickets while maintaining expectations of seeing something like Aladdin. A khaki-jacketed big fan offers Jim some tickets claiming he can’t use them anyway. At first Jim declines but then, impressed by the choice seats and show, he accepts the offer and insists on paying the guy for the tickets. Turns out a few minutes later when Jeannie takes a moment to really look at them, the tickets were for the day before when Jim was at the dentist… having a much better time.

But being TV main characters and all, they get over it like champs and decide to hit the Plaza early. Upon arrival Jeannie’s friend, Daniel is in their room romancing the mood with rose petals and champagne, like ya do. Then Jeannie realizes she left Jim’s gift back at the apartment and leaves to go get it. Daniel immediately spills chocolate on himself and has to strip down to fix the problem. Jim then accidentally pulls the door knob off while Daniel’s in the bathroom and hijinx ensue. Part of the shenanigans result from Gaffigan’s multitude of front desk requests: a bigger bathrobe, a burger and fries, someone to fix the stuck-on-a-porn-ad-TV, and maintenance to fix the doorknob. One by one the variety of service people attempt to fix the mayhem and, of course, nobody has change for a twenty.

Having Daniel stuck in the bathroom creates hilarious Three’s Company style tomfoolery. The silly misunderstandings escalate to eventually include Dave and his girlfriend Gigi as well as Gigi’s “real” boyfriend, a real bruiser. His Hulkean temper finally scares the returned-at-last-Jeannie and still-in-a-tiny-robe-Jim back to their apartment. That’s where the heart is, guys!

There’s a reference to Gaffigan’s classic Hot Pocket joke in the middle of all the antics and then right after on TVLand a real life Hot Pocket ad airs. Further evidence of the Trumptastic phenomena that any mention in the media that’s then followed by another mention is always good for business.

This episode delivers a classic comedy of errors with spot-on jokes, mistaken identities, and Jim in a miniature bathrobe that matches his skin tone. It’s over far too soon for the audience but perfect timing for Jim and Jeannie, who are happiest chillin’ on the homestead anyway. Although they don’t get to see their Broadway show or enjoy the fancy hotel room they invariably paid for anyway, Jim and Jeannie did develop a profound appreciation for the simple joy of being together. After all gratitude is life’s easiest ticket to joy… that and, for Jim, a Diet RC Cola to wash the burgers down.

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Church in Ruins” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Church in Ruins. Frank meets with Mexican drug dealers; Ani infiltrates an exclusive inner circle.

We open with Frank and Velcoro in a kitchen table standoff that’s more like a tense sit down whispering situation. Raymond says he sold his soul for nothing and Seymon’s a picture of alleged innocence, saying stuff that adds up to dude take responsibility for what you did. This leads Velcoro to cock his gun under the table but he doesn’t shoot, instead he changes the subject to the running of girls with Pitlor’s surgery as the party prep. Turns out Frank’s not surprised and happens to be looking for the same girl the State is, Irina. Then Seymon shows both his hands so he can get a much needed sip of his morning coffee and the showdown slackens until Raymond leaves on a mission to “see about killing a man”. Frank gets a faraway look as Velcoro leaves and asks, We’re still friends right?

Woodrugh investigates the $2.5 million in blue diamonds and finds out they were stolen at the Sable Fine Jeweler’s robbery in 1992 involving a double homicide where two young kids witnessed their parents’ murder. A grizzled veteran cop, surrounded by empty beer bottles, tells Woodrugh the story that clearly still haunts him.

Antigone practices her knife work while her sister tells her to dress like she’s worth $2,000 a night and warns her that it’s going to be rough after they take all her weapons at the door. Then she’ll be swarmed by guys who expect easy sex. Sounds like just another day at the office for Bezzerides… except for the no weapons thing. Her sister tries to pretend she’s never actually been to one of these parties but it’s evident she has and that it worries her for Ani to go. “It’s fuck or run,” she warns.

After a prison visit with his wife’s rapist in which he threatens to cheese grater the guy’s dick, Velcoro has a supervised visit with his son. A note-taking social worker sits just feet away from their tense chat about how stealth bombers kill people. Then Raymond tries talking to the social worker to ease the tension but she says to refrain from speaking with her, so they employ the universal hat trick for awkward couch interactions – they watch Friends. Afterward Raymond plays typical misbegotten Daddy and does numerous lines, whiskey shots, punches in the air and some head bangin’, then a few beers followed by requisite tears. Velcoro drunk dials the ex wife and says he’s given up and will resign all custody if only she will never tell her son about the rapist or check the paternity. “Never tell him and then I’ll stay away and won’t contest anything. I’ll never see him again.” When he finally says he’ll leave their lives forever she agrees to the deal. The shitty terrible horrible no good very bad deal.

Meanwhile Frank confronts a Mexican drug dealer to ask where he can find Irina. His minion shoots the guy with a bright blue nail gun but he doesn’t know anything until a few nails later when he does. “They gotta place – El Monte.” Now it’s time for Seymon’s Mexican standoff number two, this time with actual Mexicans. Frank offers his clubs as a place for them to sell drugs if they give up where the girl is. They say maybe they can get her to call him. “It’s a start,” he says, “but then we’ll need to meet face to face.” He does a call with her and she says a skinny white cop gave her $500 to sell the stuff from Caspere’s house at the pawn shop. So, Frank wants to show her pictures but then when they’re to meet her throat is slit and the drug dealer’s high beams spotlights Seymon’s disappointment. Can Frank ever catch a break? Magic eight ball says unlikely at this time.

The trio team have a meeting to tell Antigone they’ve got her back and then give her a transponder to stick somewhere. Hey guys, I know a good place! Velcoro deadpans “Like in your shoe…” and we sense their chemistry building. Next thing for Bezzerides, she’s getting on the bus with the name Athena, a wig, and a sexy long dress. Meanwhile at the escort party house, a Swiss Alps looking mansion, viagra-filled glasses serve as table centerpieces. Velcoro and Woodrugh throw down a driveway security guard in a scene reminiscent of the Lion and Tin Man overtaking guards outside the Wicked Witch of the West’s castle.

The party people give Bezzerides a drug (like pure Molly – pretty great) at party onset so everything gets out of focus pronto. Still, she sneaks a knife from the meat platter before a creepy southern fat guy leads her around an orgy of sex scenes. So for all you peeps who miss Season One’s litany of naked ladies doing dirty deeds, this is the episode for you. Because of the drug, Antigone has some rancid flashbacks about a creepy cult guy from her childhood who took her into a van. She finds a toilet and makes herself vomit up the MDMA, finds Vera, and then kills at least one, maybe two guys, before escaping with Vera. “My missing person” she explains to Woodrugh in the driveway. That would have been a perfect title for this episode – My Missing Person… and not just because it’s unclear what the actual episode title means or references. No churches were ruined in this episode. Lots of people are missing, though, even among the apparently found.

While skulking outside the escort party Velcoro and Woodrugh overhear a slimy tuxedoed convo between Osip (Seymon’s lost business partner from episode one) and Jacob, who also made deals with Seymon. They’re ratifying alliances in a back library. The detectives then sneak inside to score contracts about the land deals with the fancypants perpetrators signatures all over them. This is primo evidence gathering and the episode concludes with this victory proclaimed as Woodrugh flips through the contracts in the getaway car with Bezzerides and Vera. Antigone says she killed someone and cries as they drive off full speed into the moonlight.

With only two episodes left my list of suspects for Caspere’s killer isn’t just short, it also seems pretty much beside the point. It matters to the main four characters, sure, but not as much as what they really want. Seymon really just wants his money back from the now dead Caspere deal. Velcoro’s main drive is to be the Dad-of-record. Woodrugh just wants to be a straight arrow and back on his bike. The real seeker of bad guys here is Bezzerides, who wants to get all stabby on them to save the day. And I, for one, want to see her do it.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Clean Rockin’ Daddy” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Clean Rockin’ Daddy.The band wants Johnny to write songs again but doesn’t want him using drugs and alcohol.

The first scene of the second episode opens with Johnny signing a contract for an awesome loft and dream job as a songwriter. The band’s manager – that lawyer from Ally McBeal who was obsessed with waddles – explains the terms. All he has to do is write five songs in two months. Flash already signed it and the deal’s a win-win. He signs it.

Next thing we know Gigi and Flash find Johnny in the studio waking up from a bender behind some drums. He got blasted the night before and wrote an awesome song. Everyone agrees. They rock it out and love it. But then the fact that he was high when he wrote it is apparently against the rules on this merry go around. Their manager insists Johnny has to stay clean while he writes songs under the contract he just signed. They all insist his health is the most important thing. When he asks them to name a great band or rock star that doesn’t get high they say Coldplay, Morrisey, Radiohead. Johnny says he rests his case.

“Every time I listen to a song by Radiohead I feel like I’m failing the SATs all over again.”

Despite Johnny’s numerous protestations that all the greatest songs are written under the influence, he eventually agrees to give it a shot. The drummer, Bam, is determined to help Johnny with a resolute sincerity, breathing exercises, and gluten free tater tots. He advises Johnny to “Breathe. Flow. Engage.” But Johnny really isn’t into that Sting record. Meanwhile the bass player may be named Rehab but he’s got a duffle bag full of pills that “help him stay clean and sober.” Those are the best kind, Rehab. We get it. Not only does Rehab have lots of Adderall, he’s got a gut bursting with rage and 29 songs about the Irish potato famine for Johnny to consider adding to the new album. Johnny’s willing to listen if it means he gets to finger those pills. Luckily he gets some in his system because the songs sound like the old days when people used to play records backward searching for secret satan messages.

Johnny’s pill-filled bloodstream helps with his fifteenth Flash convo about not sleeping with his daughter, a fun mocking parody of Morrisey/Radiohead pleading for the world to not eat meat, and a Gigi confrontation when Johnny explains that he’s not an addict but an artist and the drugs ease his expression. She doesn’t fall for it and confiscates the rest of his pills. Now Johnny’s officially down to a cup of coffee and slow sunset as inspiration for his next song… a falsetto whine about mining sinner’s gold that sounds like something “Sting would write living inside Sarah Maclaughlin’s vagina.”

After the band and their manager listen they’re immediately off to get him whiskey, weed, vodka, and Darvon so Johnny can get high and write a decent song. But no more blow, Gigi insists. She gets the best lines. But Johnny gets his way, so he wins this one.

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “Red Velvet If You Please” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
Red Velvet If You Please. Jim tries to stop eating junk food; Dave is hung over and shows up at a kid’s birthday party.

Jim returns from a Las Vegas work trip to Jeannie’s psychic abilities spinning in high gear. He walks in the door and she dispatches the kid cadre to the bedroom. Apparently he reeks of guilty wrongdoing, though Gaffigan appears to be regular sweet Jim to our unknowing audience eye.

Gaffigan sits with her on the couch and unwinds his tawdry tale of Las Vegas debauchery. Was he drinking? Jim says of course not but we see the flashback and Miller Lite was downed in abundance. Perhaps he’s just ashamed of drinking a beer that tastes like watered down backwash… but either way – he lies. We gotta forgive him right away, though, because it couldn’t have been that pleasant anyway.

Jim then explains to Jeannie how he turned to the Bible – Book of Job, specifically, to relieve his insomnia. Though his bible study actually turned out to be video gaming on the hotel TV, I think we can all understand how they’re essentially the same thing.

It’s at this moment when temptation literally knocks on the door. We hear a sexy lilt of music and there’s an entire red velvet cake set before him in the hallway without a person in sight. Jim tells Jeannie there was a waiter who explained that the cake was a gift from a group of nuns who saw his show and thought he seemed Christ-like. His initial rejection of the cake is true. At first he shuts the door to place a whistful cheek against it in Red Velvet longing. But we all know this is only to make the cake taste better later. You gotta play hard to get first.

Jim tells Jeannie how he ate half of it… slept off the hard work with the rest of the cake back out in the hall, then ate the rest in the morning. “Red Velvet is my Kryptonite,” he defends.

“Yeah, but you’re not Superman!” Jeannie points out in a telltale moment of family sanity. This leads to a hilarious tirade of rationalization jokes with a shout out to Big Gay Ice Cream, making any New Yorker’s heart melt for Jim. But then Jeannie brings it all down to earth when she reminds him he has a baby daughter and doesn’t he want to be at her wedding?

“Sure but will there be cake there?”

Then Daniel (Michael Ian Black), their real estate broker comes over and it becomes evident he’s actually more Jeannie’s BFF than their broker. When he leaves Jeannie gives Jim the delightful Saturday morning choice between taking four kids to swimming lessons at 8:30 AM or his daughter to a Central Park birthday party at eight AM. She suggests that maybe he should do the lessons since there will likely be cake at the party. Challenge accepted, Jeannie!

Leaving for the party his hungover friend, Dave pleads to tag along desiring to see the “yummy mummies” that might be there and because this is a TV show, he’s not disappointed – they’re all hotties, even the hugely pregnant one. This leads to that awkward mistaken-for-homeless problem for Dave, a dire predicament faced by many a NYC hipster after a bender. On the plus side, he does score some extra cash.

But Jim doesn’t notice Dave’s predicament because there’s a much more enticing party attendee, a red velvet cake – Jim’s Jezebel. He avoids her by crashing another party where for some reason they have a full spread of delicious dinners laid out at eight in the morning. But Jim’s distracted when he spies some kids messing with his velvet lady love, trailing grubby fingers in her perfect icing. He saves the day and smooths her out, like lovers do. But his lick of the knife registers Jim’s fatal flaw. There’s gonna be a showdown in cake town. Later the birthday girl notices her cake’s vandalization and Jim gets fingered as the Spartacus of icing, he’s got it in his beard, and the day is done.

When Gaffigan gets home Jeannie confronts him again. She got a call about his morning park antics. The confession couch makes Jim admit he’s got a real problem. He admits all. He ate the whole Las Vegas cake in one sitting for one. But it gets worse… Jim’s airport tale of overeating woe is so horrifying you may laugh until you wet your pants. I nearly did.

So, we have two things to thank Jim Gaffigan for tonight; introducing us to a channel with a serious identity crisis TVLand/Nick at Night… or is it just Nick? Hey guys, picking a name is the easiest part of having a TV channel! And more importantly, he made us laugh and – given the torrential tirade of fast food ads running with this show… we could all use that ab workout.

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Other Lives” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Ray and Frank consider new life choices; Ani and Paul go up the coast to follow a lead.

It’s moving day in Vinci and the news is all a bluster about the “Vinci Massacre” we saw in the last episode. Turns out the Attorney General, Geldof, is using it as an opportunity to run for Governor and that’s going to get some political panties in a bunch.

Velcoro wears his bolero tie this episode for the occasion of getting booted out of his house now that he’s no longer a “municipal employee.” He’s working for Seymon again. So, he strong arms a poor woman for rent at Seymon’s rathole apartment complex and immediately feels guilty about it. His shitstorm day continues with a wretched courtroom scene where his wife claims the rapist is probably the father of his son and she attempts to revoke his custody. Then Velcoro surprises all with the news that he’s sixty days clean and “ready to fight”. Go bolero tie. Go.

He does go. First to Seymon for more work. He’s gonna need more cash for the custody battle. Then late that night Velcoro whispers deep thoughts into a tape recorder for his son and drives to a fancy house that’s definitely been in at least two Entourage episodes. There he spies the “running of girls” (or what we normal people call prostitution) seemingly arranged by the Ray Bans and Dark Tan Bad Guy Shrink, Pitlor.

Bezzerides goes to sensitivity training and mouths off about big dicks in a circle of men in folding chairs. “Let her share!” they insist when the group leader gets testy about her dirty talk. Then she visits the woman from a previous episode with a missing sister, Vera, and lands some pictures from one of those fancy “escort parties” we’ve been hearing so much about. Among the pics are blue diamonds and creepy Fred Jenkins, the Senator. Afterward we’re back at that David Lynchean bar where Antigone takes Seymon’s usual position sitting across from Velcoro. She says they couldn’t have really cleared the Caspere case and shows him pics from the party. It’s as if she’s playing Velcoro’s role in the show now, drinking heavily and going on with lamentations about how nobody cares. But the two of them are off the case now and Velcoro insists that he’s trying to limit the number of people he can disappoint and that sends her away. He misses Bezzerides, though, and even tells her so but she’s in too much of a Velcoro-type mood to take note.

Woodrugh starts out sitting across the table from the actress who lied and got him taken off his beloved cop bike. He’s appropriately bitter and she’s the same bitch. Speaking of bitches, in Woodrugh’s very next scene his mother reminds him what an idiot he is, calling him names in between drinking her feelings. Turns out she spent all twenty thousand dollars of his hidden money without mentioning it to him and offers no apologies. In fact, why apologize when you can be cruel and hateful to the son you’ve clearly failed? She can’t answer that one.

The State Attorney pulls together the trio for a meeting to discuss finding Caspere’s killer for real this time. She’s pissed about Geldolf running for Governor and thus is on a mission for “truth” with this confidential investigation. The band’s getting back together, guys! Velcoro is resistant until the State Attorney makes it clear she can help him get his kid back. Suddenly he’s got all kinds of intel and they’re a team of three again. Bezzerides and Woodrugh are happy to join and jump right back into work.

But Velcoro asks the State Attorney why she changed her mind about him and gets more news than he can handle. They caught the guy who raped his wife and the DNA matched her kit along with several other rapes so it’s a sure thing. The guy will get life, which is good news but there’s a lot of bad news too. Not only is this probably why his wife is inquiring now about her son’s biological father… but Velcoro thought he killed the rapist which means he killed the wrong guy.

He gave up drugs so he can’t disappear into that world anymore but he can beat somebody up and that’s always been a great escape for Velcoro. So, he drives out to Pitlor’s and knocks off his mirrored sunglasses then asks pointed questions in between pounding Pitlor’s turns-out-to-be-Rick-Springfield face. That’s a pity, such a pretty face. Pitlor spits out some bloody teeth along with a bit of info about Tony “a pimp with political ambitions” and blackmail videos of other important people including the President of the Catalyst Group.

Seymon watches the Vinci Massacre news on TV and mopes around his moving boxes – a gloomy silent spectre. He’s downsizing his homestead and in the dumps about it. Most of Frank’s scenes are with his wife, who “doesn’t want to be with a gangster” and also, by the way, she really can’t have kids. She lied about how many operations there were, not one but three, it seems. “So, who loves who?” she asks – all bravado. Then she pulls Frank’s heartstrings about his bad childhood and touches a deep nerve before bringing up that maybe they should adopt. He cries. Geez… makes a guy want to snuggle her in the next scene and maybe even catch a Lifetime Original movie to boot. In a subsequent scene they’re lovey dovey and discussing leaving the gangster life all behind, like couples do. But then Seymon says he wants to help the same guy Velcoro just found out is on a blackmail tape and we’re on high alert that Frank’s stepping in dookie again.

Bezzerides, no longer using e-cigarettes and smoking the real things these days, asks her sister to help her get into one of those fancy parties as an insider undercover. Turns out her sister just got into CalArts and the flush of success makes her willing to help Ani get into an escort party. So, maybe we’re going to see Antigone in something other than black jeans, a grey tee, and wrinkled brow – which she even wears to the beach. Woodrugh and Bezzerides do some investigating together in their last scene of the episode and end up following carrion birds to a bloody torture shack in the woods. Perhaps this is where Caspere lost his eyes.

Velcoro’s wife confronts him about why he told her he’d killed the rapist. She then explains that she can’t live with the fake stories anymore and needs to know who her son’s biological father is. He tells her Frank Seymon set him up and his wife doesn’t know what that means… but we do. In the final moment of “Other Lives” Velcoro shows up at Seymon’s front door with “We gotta talk… ” Indeed you do, bros. Indeed you do.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Don’t Wanna Die Anonymous” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Don’t Wanna Die Anonymous. Watching a sold out Afghan Whigs reunion show leads Johnny to try and get his old band back together.

Denis Leary’s new TV show is a lighthearted romp into the land of debauchery with cool clothes, laughs, and hot peeps to boot. Leary plays Johnny Rock, has-been lead singer of the rock band The Heathens, who really never amounted to much because they broke up right after the release of their allegedly promising first album.

The show starts with Johnny at a particularly low point, snorting dishwashing soap and reminiscing about the days of yore, though they weren’t really worthy of remembering. Thing is, he’s got his hot backup singers by his side to this day and they continue to look amazing, even in leather pants. Though still willing to sleep with him, they’re understandably a bit fed up with his consistent failures. They poo poo the idea of Johnny taking a job as lead singer in a Jon Bon Jovi tribute band (which pays shockingly well, by the way). Do they really think he can do better? The unsaid but undeniable question dangles in the air above them when across the street they see Gigi. She’s the daughter Johnny never knew about, who looks like a cross between Susan Sarandon and Lindsey Lohan. Best of all she’s loaded and not with drugs or booze. Gigi’s got money and lots of it. Turns out she tracked Johnny down because she wants to be a lead singer and figures he’s the ticket for her ride to the big time.

John Colbert plays Flash, who can’t seem to forgive Johnny for ruining the band all those years ago… and Johnny sleeping with his wife didn’t help heal the wound either. He’s a hired gun lead guitarist now working for Lady Gaga and signing nineteen year old tits after the show. But when he gets a peek at Gigi’s booty on Johnny’s phone, Flash gets a Count of Monte Cristo look in his eye and says hell yeah he’ll get the band back together to play with HER. It’s a good thing too because Gigi really wants Flash to help jump start her music career.

The last scene is by far the best when Johnny spends an eternity explaining all the body parts on his daughter that the band isn’t allowed to mention, touch or look at in extraordinary detail only to have this all forgotten when she blows into the room and takes over. Gigi is a star. She enters, names her song, and then destroys with a whopping rendition that wakes everybody up. Oh yeah, that’s what these instruments are for and what we’ve always wanted… to be a rock band. But Johnny’s just standing back watching and thus we see the real story beginning to unfold. A Star is Born but this time it’s her Daddy not her husband by her side.

There’s a lot to love about this show with Dennis Leary in fine form, knockout jokes, and realistic dialogue, especially in a convo with a God Johnny doesn’t believe in. This is how people really talk and the story plows forward with fabulous ferocity. All the realism, funny, and rock chic fit together like a sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll puzzle – a learning toy that’s actually fun to play. Can’t wait for next week to see Flash start playing out his revenge fantasy while Johnny watches his daughter own his spot at the microphone again in front of the band he nearly destroyed.

–Katherine Recap