[For Scream Queens‘ “Haunted House” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Haunted House As Halloween approaches, Zayday makes a stunning announcement and Chanel concocts a devious plan.

Off the bat, we’re introduced to a glorious new Chanel concept, Chaneloween. This entails Chanel sending Halloween care packages to her (most pathetic) Instagram fans across the country. Their gratitude is immeasurable and they declare that her foam halloween gifties mean Chanel is clearly the most amazing woman in the world. She’s clearly changing lives one fake bloodied severed head at a time. Meanwhile Grace and Barista Pete have driven out to a trailer in the middle of nowhere to investigate what happened at Kappa house that fateful night of the bathtub death all those years ago. A woman with a baked armadillo warming in the oven brings them back to that night with a story so detailed it’s almost as if she hasn’t moved on at all.

Apparently Dean Munsch filled the fateful night’s sorority girls witnesses with terror. She pillowcased their heads and drove them to bury their dead sorority sister in the woods. Then stood in the glare of her headlights to chaperone their midnight grave-digging before driving them away from the college forever. In the end of the armadillo lady’s story Dean Munsch calls herself their guardian angel. This trailer park former sorority girl then makes a point of telling Grace that the baby was a girl. Of that she’s quite certain.

Back at the Kappa house and to Chanel’s chagrin, Zayday announces she’s running for president of Kappa. Chanel immediately threatens to murder Z right to her face then follows up by sharpening knives in her negligee at three am, like ya do. The other Chanels comfort their leader with promises of wreaking disease upon Zayday, deciding finally on the horrific black hairy tongue as their curse of choice. Meanwhile back in the middle of nowhere the witness to sorority day terrors of yore gets taunted then killed in her trailer by the Red Devil. This seems too obvious a nod toward the Dean, since this woman JUST implicated her in the sorority murder that very afternoon over some warm armadillo.

Chad and madeover Hester (now a semi-Chanel) meet in a graveyard and have a tawdry bizarre talk about dark feelings and body chopping. Hester explains that when Zayday becomes Prez of Kappa, she’ll be VP and thus only one push-a-girl-down-the-stairs away from the top spot at Kappa. This gives Chad a chub. He tells her they’ve got to do it right now and right here but Hester insists their location just isn’t scary enough. She needs him to set up a more horrifying scenario first… Chad is now longing for Hester and subsequently must find a Haunted House for their imminent intercourse.

We then shift to Grace following up her trailer convo with a Daddy confrontation in the film classroom. Grace asks Wes if she was that fateful night baby and it was her mother who died in the sorority bathtub. He says no. She replies that he better not be her mother’s killer or the Red Devil and lying to her because she’ll never speak to him again. Oh snap, you’ll really get him talking now, Grace. That always gets killers to confess, the silent treatment from their kid. Veronica Mars she’s not.

Next we encounter the self-appointed finder-of-all-things-murderish, Denise, security guard extraordinaire. She’s regaling the story of The Hag in the House on Shady Lane while standing right in it with Barista Pete, Grace and Zayday. The terrifying tale just happens to arise from the same year as the sorority bathtub baby – 1995. The story ends with a creepy room in the haunted house where an empty rocking chair surrounded by baby dolls creeks even though its empty. Denise explains that she’s been reading up on urban legends and haunted houses at the library to boot. She then taunts Zayday, who she still believes is the killer but then it comes out that Zayday knows how to look up stuff from twenty years ago too. Z turns the beat around and confronts Denise. She knows how back in the day Denise pledged Kappa. Then after being rejected by Kappa, Denise left their school for community college. So, from that info Zayday concludes that it’s Denise who has motive to kill – apparently not holding a community college education in very high esteem. Snob alert. Maybe Zayday’s right for that President role at Kappa after all. In fact, she then declares her future role as the first black President of Kappa with misty-eyed glance off into the distance….

Next we’re in the cafeteria where the Chanels share a not-food lunch of cottonballs and sauce with Hester. They give up on this lack of nourishment quickly and then, obviously hungry, slam a frat boy for objectifying them on their way out. He ends up groaning and nearly dead on the linoleum. Now it’s time for rendezvous number two between Chad and Hester. But is he man enough to “attack her crack” in a haunted house? At first the horny duo think The Haunted House on Shady Lane is merely a Halloween haunted house but then it turns out to be full of actual dead bodies, including Chanel #2, Ariana Grande. Chad and Hester announce what they found at the local coffee shop resulting in the next scene, a party among the dead bodies. Zayday calls 911 at the party and the police officer says he heard that haunted house was super dope and he can’t wait to check it out. This isn’t an emergency because any haunted house has to be full of dead bodies, silly girl. Just when she’s discussing tax dollars at work who does Zayday encounter? The shiny Red Devil, of course.

In the party aftermath the five bodies finally get discovered by officials at the house on Shady Lane, so then police ask questions at Kappa. Dean Munsch keeps reminding everyone that very few of the dead bodies were her students (only Coney the mascot and Chanel #2) so there’s really not a reason to close the school. Also, Zayday’s merely missing and not yet declared dead. Phew! But the biggest reveal comes at the end of this episode sits in the rocking chair of that Haunted House. The Hag of Shady Lane turns out to be Gigi, Nasim Pedrad, AKA the national president of Kappa who’s got that massive puppydog crush on Wes (Grace’s Dad).

Tonight’s guess for who the killer is: Chanel; We know she’s capable of murder and her threats keep that memory vivid.

–Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Chainsaw” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Chainsaw Chanel No. 3 shares a secret and a surprising connection between two students is revealed.

“Chainsaw” begins with scream queens, Grace and Zayday at a truckstop where they see the Red Devil between the aisles so Grace tazes him in the groin but it turns out he’s just a random freshman in the mascot costume – with tazed nuts. Then Chanel No. 5 announces to Chanel No. 1 that she’s leaving Kappa. Apparently she’s planning to focus on getting “eiffel towered” and “spit-roasted” because college remains a land ripe with visually arresting sex euphemisms. Meanwhile back at Kappa house the security guard helps Grace and Zayday test the rug in Chanel No. 2’s room for blood. Turns out Chanel No. 2 is still posting on social media, “See here she is by the pool in Bel Aire,” to which the security guard replies, “Bitch isn’t even that cute!”

Outside on quad during a candlelight vigil Chanel No. 1 approaches Chad about maybe getting back together but he’s too busy sleeping around to even give it serious consideration, though she does “shave her box in a pretty hot way.” He’s too turned off by all her “ugly pledges at Kappa.” Dean Munsch then announces to the candle-holding procession of sad sacks that the university will no longer use the Red Devil mascot given recent events. She introduces the new ice cream cone “Coney” to a collective sigh that covers the morose vigil in a sweep of deeper doldrums despite zippy dance music and a shiny, bouncing new mascot.

Grace and Zayday then take the security guard to Chanel No. 2’s mansion where they talk to her parents about how she’s still posting on Instagram, even if the pics aren’t particularly cute. Chanel’s parents are shocked by this undeniable lack of cuteness and declare that OMG their daughter “must be drinking again” and it’s so disappointing because they thought all was well due to her boyfriend Chad. The parental duo show them a letter from Chad declaring Chanel No. 2’s “hotness,” describing a weekend visit Chad made to that very same mansion and how he enjoyed the boning that thus commenced between them throughout said weekend. The mystery of Chad’s role remains.

Grace attends her first film class and it’s surprisingly taught by her dear old Daddykins – so she flees in horrified shame. Though her father, Wes, teaches literature and the whole reason he was teaching the class (Grace) just left, he teaches this film class anyway. His first order of business – showing them The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Wes ends the class with, “Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws of our past?” Um, no, weirdo but we’re all certainly wondering about you now. Except for his fellow teacher, Gigi, who apparently finds him all the more attractive now.

Next we meet Aaron Cohen, shorty McIceCreamery, the little guy inside the Coney costume. He’s finally found bliss walking the campus inside his shiny cone… but it’s not meant to be for Coney and he’s soon chainsawed in the costume closet by the Red Devil – victim #1 of episode three. Returning to Kappa house we find Chanel No. 1 in her Paris apartment-sized closet where Hester awaits with probing questions. Chanel then realizes she could prove Chad wrong about Kappa’s “ugly pledges” if she gives all the newbies makeovers and what better place to start than Hester – the Platonic ideal of scoliosis?

Chanel No. 3 then confesses to one of the pledges that her biological father is actually Charles Manson. That means if anybody finds out Chanel No. 3 will need an alibi to prove she’s not just following in Daddy’s footsteps as the killer. So, they become “alibuddies” promising to be each other’s alibis in case they each get accused of being the killer. Grace and Z return to Kappa and find out that it wasn’t just Chanel No. 2 but also 3 and 5 who were dating Chad behind 1’s back last year. Though 5’s heart wasn’t really in their one date, but of course she slept with him anyway… So, Chad’s officially really into boning Chanels every chance her gets. Grace will soon wonder if this means he’s a sociopath, as if that’s the only possible reason for such behavior. Chanel No. 1 then slowly descends the stairs as she introduces her made over Hester. Now glammed up, just like a Chanel, and it’s all pretty magical aside from Hester talking through clenched teeth and about to pass out from the pain of not wearing her neckbrace.

Next Chad does a jaunty presentation for his bros, explaining how Boone was, in fact, gay but still couldn’t possibly have killed himself. He must’ve been murdered, Chad explains. So now they’ve got to do their bro duty and avenge it by drinking too much then roaming the streets dressed all in white and flailing baseball bats. But when the bros in white encounter the Red Devil it turns out to be two Red Devils with chainsaws this time. Killing commences. Baseball bats don’t hold up too well against chainsaws… and neither do frat boy arms.

Grace heads back into Veronica Mars territory with a visit to the barista (Pete) in his dorm room to discuss who the murderer might be. He’s been investigating on his own and wants to take her on a mission. They immediately leave town together. The security guard then collars Zayday, certain she’s the killer for reasons including a tweet to @ShondaRhimes about the hit show How to Get Away With Murder and the chainsaw Zayday keeps under her bed “for protection.” Then back at the sorority house Dean Munsch gets between Gigi and Wes on their “date” but it’s more of a salad dressing taste test than a date as the three of them eat salad with about twelve dressings to choose from on their Kappa House dining table. Luckily Dean Munsch brought all that salad dressing along to keep things truly tantalizing. She calls dibs on Wes so it makes perfect sense that she’d join them on their date – right? But who has time to protest? Wes leaves super early anyway – something about being worried his daughter Grace has just left town and will get murdered.

Soon after Gigi and the Dean settle into silky twin Kappa House beds for nighty night until the Dean’s “white noise machine” turns out to be a more of a horrifying noisemaker. So, Gigi trots downstairs to the living room couch with her pillow. But guess who awaits there? It’s the Red Devil with his chainsaw! Wes hears the revving chainsaw from his car outside where he apparently fell asleep just before driving away to save his daughter. He rushes into Kappa and scares away the Red Devil. When Dean Munsch comes down to see what all the fuss is about he says, “Aha! You’re the killer!” They call the cops and the episode ends with Dean Munsch as the show’s primary suspect. Thus, we’ll have to change our guess for this week and pick another character as the killer. We can’t take the easy route… so, we’ll take the second easiest route. Who falls asleep on the way to save their daughter, anyway?

Tonight’s guess for who the Red Devil killer is: Wes

–Katherine Recap