[For Scream Queens‘ “Haunted House” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]
Haunted House As Halloween approaches, Zayday makes a stunning announcement and Chanel concocts a devious plan.
Off the bat, we’re introduced to a glorious new Chanel concept, Chaneloween. This entails Chanel sending Halloween care packages to her (most pathetic) Instagram fans across the country. Their gratitude is immeasurable and they declare that her foam halloween gifties mean Chanel is clearly the most amazing woman in the world. She’s clearly changing lives one fake bloodied severed head at a time. Meanwhile Grace and Barista Pete have driven out to a trailer in the middle of nowhere to investigate what happened at Kappa house that fateful night of the bathtub death all those years ago. A woman with a baked armadillo warming in the oven brings them back to that night with a story so detailed it’s almost as if she hasn’t moved on at all.
Apparently Dean Munsch filled the fateful night’s sorority girls witnesses with terror. She pillowcased their heads and drove them to bury their dead sorority sister in the woods. Then stood in the glare of her headlights to chaperone their midnight grave-digging before driving them away from the college forever. In the end of the armadillo lady’s story Dean Munsch calls herself their guardian angel. This trailer park former sorority girl then makes a point of telling Grace that the baby was a girl. Of that she’s quite certain.
Back at the Kappa house and to Chanel’s chagrin, Zayday announces she’s running for president of Kappa. Chanel immediately threatens to murder Z right to her face then follows up by sharpening knives in her negligee at three am, like ya do. The other Chanels comfort their leader with promises of wreaking disease upon Zayday, deciding finally on the horrific black hairy tongue as their curse of choice. Meanwhile back in the middle of nowhere the witness to sorority day terrors of yore gets taunted then killed in her trailer by the Red Devil. This seems too obvious a nod toward the Dean, since this woman JUST implicated her in the sorority murder that very afternoon over some warm armadillo.
Chad and madeover Hester (now a semi-Chanel) meet in a graveyard and have a tawdry bizarre talk about dark feelings and body chopping. Hester explains that when Zayday becomes Prez of Kappa, she’ll be VP and thus only one push-a-girl-down-the-stairs away from the top spot at Kappa. This gives Chad a chub. He tells her they’ve got to do it right now and right here but Hester insists their location just isn’t scary enough. She needs him to set up a more horrifying scenario first… Chad is now longing for Hester and subsequently must find a Haunted House for their imminent intercourse.
We then shift to Grace following up her trailer convo with a Daddy confrontation in the film classroom. Grace asks Wes if she was that fateful night baby and it was her mother who died in the sorority bathtub. He says no. She replies that he better not be her mother’s killer or the Red Devil and lying to her because she’ll never speak to him again. Oh snap, you’ll really get him talking now, Grace. That always gets killers to confess, the silent treatment from their kid. Veronica Mars she’s not.
Next we encounter the self-appointed finder-of-all-things-murderish, Denise, security guard extraordinaire. She’s regaling the story of The Hag in the House on Shady Lane while standing right in it with Barista Pete, Grace and Zayday. The terrifying tale just happens to arise from the same year as the sorority bathtub baby – 1995. The story ends with a creepy room in the haunted house where an empty rocking chair surrounded by baby dolls creeks even though its empty. Denise explains that she’s been reading up on urban legends and haunted houses at the library to boot. She then taunts Zayday, who she still believes is the killer but then it comes out that Zayday knows how to look up stuff from twenty years ago too. Z turns the beat around and confronts Denise. She knows how back in the day Denise pledged Kappa. Then after being rejected by Kappa, Denise left their school for community college. So, from that info Zayday concludes that it’s Denise who has motive to kill – apparently not holding a community college education in very high esteem. Snob alert. Maybe Zayday’s right for that President role at Kappa after all. In fact, she then declares her future role as the first black President of Kappa with misty-eyed glance off into the distance….
Next we’re in the cafeteria where the Chanels share a not-food lunch of cottonballs and sauce with Hester. They give up on this lack of nourishment quickly and then, obviously hungry, slam a frat boy for objectifying them on their way out. He ends up groaning and nearly dead on the linoleum. Now it’s time for rendezvous number two between Chad and Hester. But is he man enough to “attack her crack” in a haunted house? At first the horny duo think The Haunted House on Shady Lane is merely a Halloween haunted house but then it turns out to be full of actual dead bodies, including Chanel #2, Ariana Grande. Chad and Hester announce what they found at the local coffee shop resulting in the next scene, a party among the dead bodies. Zayday calls 911 at the party and the police officer says he heard that haunted house was super dope and he can’t wait to check it out. This isn’t an emergency because any haunted house has to be full of dead bodies, silly girl. Just when she’s discussing tax dollars at work who does Zayday encounter? The shiny Red Devil, of course.
In the party aftermath the five bodies finally get discovered by officials at the house on Shady Lane, so then police ask questions at Kappa. Dean Munsch keeps reminding everyone that very few of the dead bodies were her students (only Coney the mascot and Chanel #2) so there’s really not a reason to close the school. Also, Zayday’s merely missing and not yet declared dead. Phew! But the biggest reveal comes at the end of this episode sits in the rocking chair of that Haunted House. The Hag of Shady Lane turns out to be Gigi, Nasim Pedrad, AKA the national president of Kappa who’s got that massive puppydog crush on Wes (Grace’s Dad).
Tonight’s guess for who the killer is: Chanel; We know she’s capable of murder and her threats keep that memory vivid.