[For Scream Queens“The Final Girl(s)” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
“The Final Girl(s)” Shocking confessions are made; the Red Devil is unmasked; the killer is revealed.

The finale of Scream Queens “The Final Girl(s)” comprises a giant, ridiculous but incredibly fun pretty girl sandwich. It’s hard to take the show seriously given all the screw ups (like Chanel’s injury in the previous episode) and silliness, so let’s not. It’s not a serious show. Scream Queens is more party than a story. There are wonderful things about this party; anybody can come (it’s on FOX and not a pay channel) and it’s packed with gorgeous peeps making wisecracks. That’s a fun show! Let’s just appreciate this and push aside the fact that most of the narrative made virtually no sense at all. Scream Queens doesn’t even take itself seriously and we could all learn a lesson from this level of lightening up. In the final episode Zayday makes a crack about how there were a few too many flippant racist jokes on the show just to remind us that getting offended wastes more energy than it’s worth – especially watching a show like this one.

The finale begins with Pete confessing to Grace that he’s a Red Devil but he’s only killed like eight to ten people while the Kappas and Chanels have killed over a hundred. Pete says he killed Roger… or maybe it was Dodger. He gets them messed up. Then Pete says he did it because two Red Devils cornered and forced him to join them or die. He quotes Nietzsche and says he killed Boone, who was the muscle of the operation and Gigi, who was the bitch. He tells a story of how Chanel humiliated him and thus he had to get revenge. Pete then says he did it all for Grace and they should run away together. Grace says he’s everything she’s been fighting against. But he adds that she has to stay with him so he can tell her who the other killer is – one of her sisters. Grace had been right all along the killer is Boone’s twin sister and the other baby from the bathtub.
Pete explains that he collected DNA samples from all the Kappas and found out who the killer is. Just as he’s about to name the Red Devil, she jumps out of his closet and kills him, stabbing him in the back and then attacking Grace too.

Soon after Dean Munsch enters her home to find it filled with lit candles and a come hither Wes stripped down to skivvies in her bed with a rose between his teeth. She’s totally thrilled, of course, and the fornication commences forthwith. Afterward they listen to Michael Bolton and Wes declares that it was the best sex of his life. She doesn’t take him seriously but he’s dead serious. Then he says maybe they were meant to be together and it’s unclear if it’s just the Bolton talking.

Meanwhile Grace and Zayday are checking the transcripts of the Chanels to find clues to the baby in the bathtub and they find one who must be the killer. Her social security number is 123-45-6789, her home address is Sesame Street, and she went to Sweet Valley High. They decide this is the bathtub baby girl and thus the killer. Grace and Z head out to confront her but it’s not clear yet to us which Chanel they’re talking about. Back at Kappa House they declare that the killer is Chanel No. 6, Hester. But then when they find her, Hester lays on the floor in a pool of blood with one of Chanel’s stiletto heels stabbed into in her eye socket. Hester then opens her other eye and points to Chanel No. 5 to shriek that she’s the killer.

In the next scene we fast forward into the future of Kappa. Here we see “The Final Girl(s)” Hester in a bedazzled eye patch – now the treasurer of Kappa. Grace and Zayday, who are clearly the leaders at Kappa now, introduce her to new pledges. She’s alive! Not only that, it turns out she was actually the killer all along. Through her voiceover we learn that Hester grew up in the asylum with Gigi and Boone and they all planned the revenge against Kappa long ago – twenty years of Red Devil strategizing. Hester was the brains of the operation, Boone the brawn, and Gigi the psycho with a dark side. But it’s pretty clear Hester is a psycho with a dark side too… after all, she did stab herself in the eye with a stiletto to get away with serial killing.

Hester has taken out all the Chanels at this point because somebody had to take all the blame for the Red Devil murders and it wasn’t going to be her, Hester explains. Then the scene shifts back to Kappa after the stiletto/eyeball incident and the Chanels discuss who the killer is, now presuming it can’t be Hester. During their talk she comes back with a recovering eyeball and excuses for everything, including paid actors playing her parents. Hester even convinced Chanel No. 5’s parents to disown her and say that a woman named Gigi gave her to them after a long stint in a mental institution. Totally believable – right? So, because Denise is the new Police Chief and just happens to be at Kappa right then, she’s ready to take Chanel No. 5 “downtown” for murder. But then Hester pipes in that Chanel No. 5 isn’t the only killer, Chanel No. 3 murders too. She points out that No 3 is Charles Manson’s daughter and regularly gets letters from him advising her to kill her sorority sisters. Hester also just happens to have a letter from No 3’s psychiatrist saying she has a split personality named Dirty Helen. No. 3 insists that she’s never been to a shrink but then Hester says it’s her split personality who goes and thus No. 3 remains unaware of her own Dirty Helen. Once Hester has everyone convinced of this weak logic it’s time to turn on Chanel No. 1 – Ms. Oberlin herself. We all know she’s an easy target after frying off the Kappa house cleaning lady’s face, throwing Hester down the stairs and threatening murder on a daily basis.

Thus Denise puts the three Chanels under arrest and a bunch of former male strippers collect them to the tune of the song Toy Soldiers as Denise declares that “You rich, dumb hos are goin’ dowwwwn towwwwn!” and points her finger in that direction. They’re denied bail and put away. After this hilarious scene Scream Queens carnks the comedy up even a notch further showing Chad and Denise finally ending their torrid long term affair. Denise has to end it not only to join the FBI but also because they’re just Chasing Waterfalls… and all the rest of that song too.

Dean Munsch writes a NY Times bestselling book called

    New New Feminism

but it turns out she didn’t really write it. Munsch had a ghost writer and still has trouble remembering what the book is about other than that women are basically just better than men. This makes for some comedic situations when she’s giving speeches and doing TV interviews about her highly controversial book.

Then we see Grace, Zayday, and Hester polish the memorial to all those who were killed by the Red Devil killer and it has a hilarious inscription thanks to Chad Radwell’s brilliant writing talent. His parents paid for it so he literally gets the last word on the Red Devil’s victims. Grace and Zayday walk away so Hester is all alone at the memorial when Dean Munsch approaches. She tells Hester she knows she was the killer. Munsch says she would never forget that baby in the bathtub’s face. Hester says everyone got what they wanted in the end and the Chanels should have to pay because they’ve hurt so many people. Then the Dean declares that she’s going to turn Hester in. But Hester retorts that she’ll just turn the Dean in too; for covering up her mother’s death and killing her ex husband. Therefore the Dean backtracks and becomes easy breezy all of a sudden. She says, oh OK that’s cool. I guess we’ll forget this convo ever happened. Bye now. So, it’s settled.

In the end Wes and Dean Munsch are happy together and off on vacation in Napa. The Chanels were found guilty on all 47 counts and are sent to an asylum. Their judge says they have no regard for anyone but themselves and are, rude, narcissistic, and completely insane. The asylum is, of course, the same one where Hester was raised. All three made themselves at home and found happiness at the institution. There is no judgement, no popularity contest, and no reason to starve themselves anymore. The Chanels finally has a chance to eat. Then in the final moment of the finale Chanel No. 1 tucks herself happily into bed when she hears a metallic clang and pulls the covers up to her chin. It’s probably nothing…. but no. It’s not nothing. It’s the Red Devil and he’s holding a large knife over Chanel, ready to kill her.

Scream Queens was a fun but ridiculous ride. Meant more for the teenaged viewer, perhaps than a fossilized bag of crones such a fetchland.com. But there were many laughs despite the lack of continuity, gaping narrative holes, a lack of logical sense. We had fun, dammit! It was a great party and beautiful to boot. The jokes were plentiful and they used music skillfully, which is a lot to say for a teenager-focused show. It’s unclear if we’ll see a Scream Queens season two, especially given that this season was abbreviated by several episodes late in the game. But if the show does return, perhaps it will be refined from lessons learned in season one… or maybe it’ll remain like the teenagers it speaks to and portrays. Either way, we applaud you, Scream Queens for making us laugh even when we wanted to throttle you for not making sense.

Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Black Friday” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Black Friday The Red Devil has plans to disrupt the holiday the Chanels like the most; Black Friday.

“Black Friday” introduces Chanel’s philosophy of Christmas, namely making all of her friends question their importance in her life because of the cheap ass Black Friday gifts she gets them for Christmas. Truth is, though this whole show is about Chanel and that’s because SHE’S THE KILLER, DUDES. The evidence all clicked into place in this episode for finals and for reals but we here at Fetchland are not too shy to say we told you so long ago. You know we knew it, baby.

The episode then picks up where we left off after the Thanksgiving turkey turned out to be Gigi’s grey dead head last week. Kappa house is yet again a crime scene. The Chanels are prepped to go Black Friday shopping while Dean Munsch and Zayday are more in the mood to figure out who killed Gigi. But the Chanels won’t be stopped from fulfilling their patriotic shopping duty. They sharpen their shopping claws and flee to the mall like a trés chic wolfpack.

Meanwhile at the police station Grace, Pete, and Wes find out Chisolm just got fired and the rest of the police force is either also fired or on retail duty for the night. So no more investigating the Red Devil killer for now. But let’s get real for a minute. They never really were – remember? Too convinced of ghosts and apparitions doing the dastardly deeds to do any actual detective work. It’s no wonder the killer hasn’t been caught. So, the replacement cops are all at the mall along with the shopping Chanels who delight in the glories of retail until the mall’s closing and they’re locked inside. Suddenly their paradise is a dark danger zone with two Red Devils and not a brain cell or survival skill among them. In the scene which inevitably outs Chanel No. 1 as the killer, a Red Devil comes for her with a bright red crossbow and his arrow hits her right in the collar bone. The arrow sticks out clearly between her shoulder and neck. Denise, the new Chief of Police, and now working retail duty at the mall, interrupts and prevents further injury by scaring the killer away. The Red Devil duo escape as they always do.

This next part is where the rubber meets the road, peeps. Laid out before us is a classic Scream Queens scene. It’s representative of the show because people sit around talking and nothing anybody says makes any sense. What they say matters not, in fact. If we paid attention to the last episode or really any of them we likely already learned this lesson. The entire “Thanksgiving” episode was people accusing each other and explaining theories why every character could be the killer. Sure, anybody could. But they aren’t ALL the killer. Those explanations and theories essentially mean nothing – a Red Devil brand circle jerk. In this “Black Friday” episode the distraction factors are two. The first is all the obsessive attempts to kill Dean Munsch because they allegedly think she’s the killer now. It’s ridiculous to the point of absurdity. Primary example – Grace suddenly thinks they should kill Dean Munsch and insists that they do so. Then in a few scenes she does a complete switch and says the opposite. The Kappas even kick her out for this and Zayday, who previously thought Grace was crazy for being so gung ho to kill Munsch, suddenly agrees with the Chanels about this decision to oust Grace from Kappa and kill the Dean. Yeah right. Sure. Then in the final scene Grace flips AGAIN and tells Pete she wants to sleep with him but only if he helps her kill Dean Munsch. This is all classic Scream Queens and may be them doing some sort of parody on how college students are full of it… who knows? But the outcome is that what these characters say is pretty much all nonsense. Ignore it. We’re not going to figure out the killer based on what anybody says ever because they say one thing and then the opposite a few scenes later. The key to the killer is in what we see. The details, baby.

That’s how we know the killer is Chanel. Remember how she was shot in the collarbone area at the mall? She had an arrow sticking out of it for a significant amount of time. BUT the next time we see Chanel she’s got her arm is in a preposterous furry sling. It’s as if we’re supposed to not remember that her arm was completely unharmed. Her collarbone is completely fine, suddenly. Gee whiz. That’s slightly suspicious. Another suspicious event from the Thanksgiving episode was how she stormed out on Chad and then he shows up at her Kappa Thanksgiving meal soon after. This makes it seem like they’re in cahoots. Their connection definitely goes beyond what they pretend, at the very least.

Next we see distarction factor number two – Pete. First we see Pete and Chad engaged in a classic Scream Queens awkward convo as Chad reads aloud Boone’s dead gay will where he just happens to leave everything to Pete. Chad accuses Pete of being Boone’s secret lover but then it turns out Boone was a different kind of deep throat – his informant/insider and thus, a journalistic treasure to Pete. Then Chad invites Pete to join the Dicki Dollar Scholars because any secret gay lover of Boone’s is a friend of his. Pete declines saying frats are elitist crap and then Chad tells him to choose his weapon. Turns out that anyone who turns down a invitation to the frat has to duel the dollar scholar who invited him. Chad then explains that to turn down the duel, which Pete obviously does, then entitles the scholar to flat out kill him. Hey, rules are rules, bro. Chad promises to kill Pete later when he’s least expecting it.

Pete then gets a mysterious call and says that yes he feels guilty…. because it’s not who he is. He opens his closet and gazes at the Red Devil costume hanging there, facing him and ready to wear. Then Grace comes to Pete’s dorm room and she’s feeling frisky but he’s on edge and tells her he’s actually not a great guy. Pete says can’t sleep with her because he doesn’t want her first time to be with a murderer. Cliffhanger alert! But we at Fetchland think that this is merely a diversion – number two to be precise. You can’t trust what anybody says on this show, in fact the more somebody talks the less you should listen. Watch what they do. Look at the clues right in front of you. Words are just words and on Scream Queens the words matter little and mean next to nothing. Chanel is the killer. But this episode is noteworthy for another reason – no characters died. Yes, a cop got an arrow in the chest at the mall but he wasn’t a known Scream Queens Character. Getting soft, Red Devil? We like it better when you live up to your full name, Red Devil Killer.

Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Thanksgiving” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Thanksgiving Chad takes Chanel home for Thanksgiving, where she meets his family; another person dies.

The “Thanksgiving” episode opens on a bright note when Chanel tells Chad his worries are over. He doesn’t have to marry Hester after all. She’s dead now, thanks to Chanel. He says that’s totally hot and they need to go have sex by the body… a perfectly normal response in the world of Scream Queens where everybody always seems like the potential killer. They go to the meat locker to check out her hot dead bod but then Hester’s not there. Thus big trouble in Chad and Chanel’s tiny brain town begins.

Meanwhile at Gigi’s unrealistically chic apartment she preps for Thanksgiving with the Red Devil at her side. This Red Devil’s the one that had to kill Boone (their own brother) in the last episode. Gigi thanks them yet again for taking Boone out and saving her. Then she give her Red Devil buddy a quail she made them for Thanksgiving before they need to go out and do her bidding to kill again. Gigi says the Red Devil is the closest thing she has to family as she hands the, the electric knife to cut into the tiny quail body. Ominous music and lighting suggests that it’s not just going to be that quail and two million turkeys having a terrible Thanksgiving this year.

Chanel No. 3 goes home for Thanksgiving and it’s disappointing for her right from the start. Her family is the Swanson family, as in Swanson family dinners and that’s what they eat for turkey day… on TV trays in front of the TV. It’s all so appropriately dysfunctional and freakish that it starts to feel like a real Thanksgiving. Chanel No. 3 has a hissy fit because nobody has asked her about how several of her sort-of-friends have been killed back at school. She leaves in a huff. When she arrives back at the Kappa house Chanel No. 3 finds Dean Munsch making a turkey and they decide to celebrate Thanksgiving together with, turkey, the rest of the peeps in Kappa house, and charades.

Wes calls Grace and finds out she ended up not going to Zayday’s for Thanksgiving after all. Instead they’re staying at Kappa with Dean Munsch, No. 3, and whomever else is around. So, now Wes will be joining them as well. While waiting for the turkey to burn they play the fun game of who could the Red Devil be? Right off the bat, Dean Munsch accuses No. 3. Grace says she thinks the babies from the bathtub are the killers and since No. 3 is Charles Manson’s daughter adopted by the Swanson family she can’t possibly also be one of the bathtub babies. No. 3 then retorts that she believes Dean Munsch is the Red Devil killer. Then Chanel No. 5 shows up at the Kappa house just in time to hear No 3’s argument about how Dean Munsch is a murderer. Grace and Zayday seem to agree and both make equitable arguments. This includes the unsurprising fact that Dean Munsch isn’t actually allergic to bologna and thus could very well have killed her ex husband after all. Why the writers chose to waste our time with this fact we already knew, I’m not sure but maybe it was to try to distract from the incredibly unrealistic notion that Wes would accuse Grace of being the killer – especially without at least talking to her privately about it first.

That’s what happens next when Wes offers theory, accusing his own daughter, Grace. This, of course, results in every person exchanging shocked glances across the extravagantly long Kappa Thanksgiving table. Wes actually has some good arguments for Grace being the killer but then he claims he was just spitballing and making sure it wasn’t her. He’s so relieved to hear her “reasons” for the suspicious behavior he mentions. Hey, Wes, in the future maybe ask her about these kinda things without several snarky witnesses watching. Seems like the least you could do for your own daughter. At this point Pete barges inw ith a box of “evidence” and interrupts their killer pow wow to say he actually knows who the killer is and Wes is right, it’s not Grace. It’s Wes! Pete then tells his Wes-is-the-killer story to a spellbound crowd of Kappas… Including DNA evidence that Wes is Boone’s father. Wes is surprised to hear this about Boone but also says hey it could be possible because it was the 90s so nobody was wearing condoms in those days. After this eye-opening and pretty hilarious convo Grace takes Wes aside in private and tells him she believes that he’s not the killer and will stand beside him. Nobody is going to the police with any of the info about anybody, she promises.

Next we see Chanel and Chad at the Radwell Thanksgiving where everyone is thankful for being rich and fancy. Chanel gets a little competitive with them about how special and old money her family is but the Radwell’s are impenetrable in their insistence of superiority. In fact, as they go around the table every member of the Radwell family takes a turn to brag about their amazing lives and thus how incredibly grateful. Until suddenly a surprise guest shows up – Hester! She’s braced to the gills, dressed to impress, and worst of all… alive. But Hester doesn’t fool anybody with her false claim of Chad-related pregnancy and sits down at the table, abashed in EPIC FAIL.

Chad’s father then offers Chanel $50K to disappear and says her ostrich feather dress means she’s trash no matter how much money she claims her family has. Meanwhile Chad shows off his aspic to Hester and then Chanel interrupts to yell at him about his dad’s offer. Chad says maybe Chanel should take it because, after all she said Hester was dead… so obviously she’s some kind of liar… and thus not right for Chad. But Chanel stays and then they all play for the a horrific, humiliating round of Pictionary in which the Radwell’s nitpick Hester with a mocking so cruel even Chanel is offended. She becomes protetctive of her sorority sister and indignant. So, Chanel then rips those Radwell’s all new ones. “No woman in her right mind would want to be part of this family,” she declares. Then she and Hester leave together, united in a sisterhood bond so tight it could only be shared by the exes of the same lame boyfriend. After this the two storylines unite when Chanel and Hester join the Kappa House for Thanksgiving dinner.

When the turkey is about to come out the Dean asks Wes if Gigi will be joining them and he says he has no idea where she is. Then Chad joins them (just cause he wants more turkey) at the long Kappa table. So, they’re all seated together for the big reveal. Chanel pulls the silver dome off the main course tray and they all shriek at once Scream Queens style when instead of a turkey as their entree they’re presented with Gigi’s dead grey head.

After all this hooplah and alleged evidence it’s starting to seem like maybe Pete’s actually the killer. At the Kappa Thanksgiving Killer Accusathon everybody except Zayday and Pete got accused, though Zayday has certainly already held plenty of the blame in previous episodes. Also there’s the issue of his timing. Pete always shows up late to everything but somehow still knows what’s going on. And he could totally be Boone’s bro. If you think back to the early episodes we know that Pete conveniently happens to own the red devil suit – remember? And who has more motivation to buddy up like a puppy dog to Grace, the girl who’s investigating? That way he can stay close to the evidence, adding and editing as he likes to help throw off the scent from his stabby murdering self.

On another note, we really missed Denise in this episode! Please bring back our favorite former security guard. She brings a delightful levity to the show that was absent this week, especially with the nasty battle axe bitches we experienced in Chad’s family gathering this week. Com back, Denise! It’s not the same without you on Scream Queens.

Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Ghost Stories” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Ghost Stories Denise tells a terrifying ghost story; a familiar face returns; the killer claims another victim.

Nick Jonas, AKA Boone, is now full blown back on Scream Queens and Chanel No. 3 assumes he’s a ghost. She apologizes for outing his gayness then says she’s sorta gay now too, to which Boone replies, “Boo!” and she’s actually kinda scared. Back at the Kappa house Chanel preps outfits for Thanksgiving dinner with Chad’s parents in the Hamptons while the other Chanel’s fantasize out loud about murdering her. She’s pretty intolerable with the whole “marrying Chad is the only thing that matters” thing, like a ceaseless, brainless parrot.

Denise supervises and advises while Chanel packs for her trip and Chanel No, 3 tells them about how she saw the ghost of dead gay Boone on the quad. This inspires Denise to tell them a terrifying ghost story so they’ll be scared of a fake thing rather than a real one. It’s a brilliant plan, no doubt. She tells them a Japanese ghost story about a ghost called The Kappa. It snatches you by the vagina when you drop trou and go to the bathroom, then it drags you into raw sewage. The end. This is followed by other stories, none of which quite do the trick. The Kappa girls are just flat out more terrified than ever. Then Denise is attacked by the Red Devil in the bathroom but she gets away and heads into Chanel’s room. There she demands that they tell her a scary ghost story so she can move on from this horrifying experience. Hester tells one circa 1950s with bobby socks, saddle shoes, and cool cars along with the meathook killer. Luckily, it does the job on Denise.Then, for some reason, Chanel No. 5 gets feisty, declares that she’s getting off campus before the serial killer gets her, and storms out.

At the frat house Boone visits Chad who also assumes he’s a ghost. Chad asks him why he came back and Boone explains that the phrase “Once you go black you never go back,” means he can be come back from the dead if he has sex with Zayday. Of course, Chad believes this. Meanwhile Zayday is finally kissing her hot boyfriend, Earl Grey. So, then when Earl slips out to get the sensual massage oil to heat things up between them Boone climbs in Zayday’s window. He tells her his shirt is made of boyfriend material and says he’s a ghost here to seduce her. But Zayday tells him the problem with his story is that she doesn’t believe in ghosts. Then Grace rushes in and it turns out she doesn’t believe in them either. When they tell Boone they don’t beleive he’s a ghost he somehow disappears – likely out the window. Then Earl Grey returns with his basket of sensual delights but before he gets inside Kappa house Boone, dressed as the Red Devil, kills him. Meanwhile a different Red Devil rides in the back seat of Chanel No. 5’s car while she drives home for Thanksgiving but a trucker saves her life and ends up sacrificing his own in the process. This inspires No 5 to drive back to campus because now she has a scary story to tell. She’s not the most logical Chanel… and that’s saying a lot.

Hester then shows up at Chad’s with a bedazzled neckbrace. When he’s turned off by it she explains that she has to wear it again because her spinal cord was collapsing. Chad then tells Hester a multitude of reasons why he invited Chanel instead of her to Thanksgiving. His list includes: her breath, a fart, and her neckbrace. Hester is beside herself and returns to the Chanels now bursting with her own brand of horror story. She declares that not only did she sleep with Chad but she’s also now pregnant as a result. Chanel then confronts Chad about it and he admits the truth about sleeping with Hester several times. Then he says, “Guess I have to marry her now and take her home for Thanksgiving. But you can still be my piece on the side.” Shockingly, Chanel doesn’t find this comforting and threatens to kill him. He then has a moment of Chad clarity and asks her if she’s the killer to which Chanel just smirks and says, “I guess we’ll see.”

She then tells the Chanels they all have to get together in Kappa sisterhood and kill Hester. That way she can get Chad back and marry him and happily ever after and blah blah blah. Meanwhile downstairs Detective Chisolm asks Zayday and Grace for a sketch of Boone the ghost even though he already has several pictures of him form when he was alive. It turns out Chisolm believes the reason he hasn’t found the killer is because the killer must be a ghost. Why else would the killer so easily get away with all this relentless killing right under Chisolm’s nose? So, Boone being a ghost AND the killer fits right into this particular theory. The detective even brought a paranormal expert in to help with the investigation. After Detective Chisolm and his expert leave, shunned by the Kappas and Dean Munsch for this ridiculous theory, the Dean tells Zayday and Grace a story. She says there were two babies born in that bathtub and one of them was Boone – she’d recognized that baby’s distinctive smirk on Boone’s frat boy mug right away.

Then we’re at Gigi’s apartment where Boone then tells his sad rejection story about Zayday to a guy in the Red Devil outfit and Gigi. She tells Boone he’s the weakest link and she’s going to off him. Boone replies that he was that baby in the bathtub and he did everything for her, even pretended to be gay and that she was his mother but she’s not thankful to him and she’s certainly not his mother. Then Boone says they’re going to kill her. He looks to his Red-Devil-suited sibling to do the deed and they raise the knife but instead of attacking Gigi, they kill Boone instead. Gigi points out that Boone was the Red Devil’s brother… so, perhaps if’s a girl in the suit after all. It all depends on if indeed Boone was one of the bathtub babies. Our source for that info is the Dean, after all, so not 100% reliable.

Meanwhile back at Kappa house the Chanels corner Hester forcing her to pee on twenty pregnancy sticks before they’ll allow her to leave with Chad for the Hamptons. Rather than submit to all that urination, Hester admits to lying about being pregnant but announces that now she can go spend the weekend with him and have ample opportunities to get pregnant. Then Hester’s about to escape but Chanel pushes her down that extraordinary Kappa house spiral staircase and kills her. She says the best part about this murder is that now she’s created the best ghost story of all. It’s about a girl in a neckbrace who tried to steal a hotter girl’s boyfriend. Those really are the coolest stories a sorority sister can tell, after all.

So, all signs still point to Chanel as the killer. She could certainly be Boone’s long lost sister because maybe after the bathtub incident she was adopted into her rich family. The Scream Queens season was recently shortened from an original fifteen episodes to thirteen so that leaves four remaining and thus far the only characters we know for certain have killed people are Chanel and Dean Munsch, who killed her husband’s mistress, Feather. Chanel, in fact, killed a woman early on in the very first episode for a ridiculous reason and without a bit of remorse. So, the only question is why would Chanel bother with all this dressing up in devil costumes and involving Gigi stuff? If the Red Devil serial killer is indeed Chanel, we need to know what exactly it is she’s avenging to parse all those details. Maybe the next four episodes will surprise us with a different/better suspect or perhaps they’ll further explain this course of Chanel-as-killer reasoning. Not that Scream Queens involves a lot of reasoning but when we find out the killer it should make some sort of sense – as long as it’s not a Chanel explaining it

Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Mommie Dearest” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Mommie Dearest Grace learns more about Chanel; Dean Munsch becomes a target; a figure from the past returns.

Episode eight, “Mommie Dearest” begins with Grace in Dean Munsch’s office waiting to hear what happened with the sorority baby in the bathtub twenty years ago. But Munsch backpedals on her promise from the end of episode seven and claims not to know anything. Then Grace gets all threatening and weird saying Munsch will fess up the truth when it stabs her in the heart… whatever that means. Next we’ve got Munsch in the shower scene from psycho with the Red Devil ready to stab her before she takes him down with a swift blow. She’d seen the movie Psycho like fifty plus times, the Dean explains. Then just as she’s calling 911, the two Devils enter along with an intimidating somebody in a Justice Scalia mask. But it turns out Munsch had some serious martial arts training with a previous lover and she fights them all into submission until they run away. The Dean reigns victorious once again.

In the next scene the Chanels meet to discuss all the reasons they believe Zayday is the killer but none make any sense. So, Chanel says they’ve got to do what her father always says when you can’t get something done right you pay someone a lot of money to do it. So, she’ll hire someone to find better reasons Zayday and/or Grace are the killers. Next we see Denise in the Kappa kitchen frying up mozzarella sticks. She’s living at Kappa now on 24 hour security duty for Dean Munsch. Chanel No. 3 then offers Denise three million dollars to prove Zayday and/or Grace are the killer.

Then Grace is back in Munsch’s office and the Dean gives her a hypothetically heavy case for why she can’t tell her anything about what happened. Still, she tells Grace the name of the girl who died in the bathtub, Sophia Doyle, and claims that’s all the info she has. Grace is disappointed because she’s pretty sure that’s not her mother’s name – at least not according to her father. Then the Dean points out that maybe Grace isn’t the do-gooder she claims to be and really just a girl looking for her mother. This gets Grace all feisty and defensive. She’s out to find the killer, dammit! Yeah, right.

Back at Kappa Denise is asking around looking for reasons Zayday’s the killer. Candle girl, Jennifer tells Denise about a story Zayday confided in her one night. It’s a classic bullying story and at the end Zayday says she’s out for revenge against the bullies. But then it turns out Zayday’s eavesdropping on Denise and candle vlogger’s convo. Z tells Jennifer she’ll be sorry she ever told that story. So, right on schedule, that night while recording her candle blog, Jennifer gives a candle five stars and then gets whacked with a throat slashing – but the Red Devil doesn’t miss or get his ass kicked this time. Meanwhile in another room at Kappa Denise tells the Chanels she needs an advance of ten percent on the three million to help finance her investigation. Chanel says Denise can just call her family’s money managers for the money. Denise’s “Can I get that in cash?” is still floating through the air when they all then discover Jennifer’s dead body, covered in candle wax.

Grace tells Puppy Pete she needs to find out all about her mother and the answers to what happened to the bathtub baby. They quickly determine that the answer key to everything lies with The Hag of Shady Lane. Because she’s a hag, and evidently quite shady they figure she must have been in a mental institution and leave right away to go there and ask her questions. At the institution they talk to the lady who paints all the patients and she then reveals to them, with a painting, that Gigi is The Hag of Shady Lane and apparently also the bathtub lady but (shocker) she had two babies – a boy and a girl. These scenes are prime examples of how ridiculous the investigations are on Scream Queens. Hey, I’ve got a theory and then five seconds later that theory just happens to be the truth… or so it seems for the moment.

Grace then goes to Gigi’s to confront her and doesn’t scare The Hag of Shady Lane even the the tiniest bit. In fact Gigi drops the bomb that she’s now engaged to Wes, Grace’s Dad. So, the disillusioned Grace leaves and now Wes is the next step on Grace’s confrontational tour. He immediately tells Grace how Gigi was the one who bought the engagement ring and that he’s just going along with it for the great sex that comes along with letting Gigi wear the ring. Then when he mentions that it’s been 16 years since her Mom died Grace realizes that her father must have known Gigi back when she was born. Wes gets all weird and mirror happy while Grace backs away and out the door – now thinking he’s a killer in cahoots with Gigi AKA The Hag of Shady Lane.

The Dean then speaks to the campus, tells them about Candle Jennifer’s death and subsequently shuts down Kappa, as usual. In Chanel’s inevitable hissy fit that follows she hires Scotland Yard to prove that Grace and Zayday are the killers because she simply can’t abide Kappa closing and the subsequent relinquishment of her popularity. Sure they don’t have any jurisdiction in the US, forget about on a college campus, but they can investigate like a Mutha and she’s got plenty of benjamins to bring them on board. Scotland Yard quickly comes up with lots of info for her including the fact that Chanel No. 5 is intent on murdering her. But she quickly dismisses this info because it’s not at all surprising and not to mention that it’s not even slightly related to why she hired them. They’re supposed to prove Grace and Zayday are the killers! Scotland Yard tells her Grace and/or Zayday don’t seem like probable suspects BUT Grace’s mother does have a criminal record. Chanel takes one look at the file and declares that this is all the evidence they need to prove Grace is the killer.

When Grace returns to Kappa Chanel tells her all about her mother and it turns out that she wasn’t the bathtub lady at all, but just a Kappa girl that got drunk and pregnant then fell down the slippery slope of bad girl decisions after that with shoplifting, drunk driving, meth, etc. Denise then tries to play house mother to the Kappa girls. She borrows clothes from Chanel No. 5’s closet and tries to get the girls to do some community service. Chanel interrupts saying Denise can’t be the house mother because she’s the house president. But then they have a private pow wow just the two of them and Denise says Chanel has to apologize to Grace for berating her mother or else Denise will sleep with Chad again and take him away from Chanel. This taps into Chanel’s greatest fear of losing her popularity (the only reason she’s with Chad) and thus Denise finally has her attention. So, Chanel then does what Denise demanded and apologizes to Grace, saying we all have mommy issues anyway. “Kappa is like the mom we never had,” she explains.

When Grace later asks Wes questions regarding what Chanel said about her mother and he says it’s mostly true. They were just really young and foolish, etc. When asked why he hid it from her all these years Wes says he was just trying to protect her. But then Grace gets all strange and says she’s her mother’s daughter and he should stay far away from her if he wants to protect himself. She storms out all huffy puff like. Then Gigi comes in as Grace leaves and tells Wes Grace is doing badly in school and falling apart. He should commit her (or something) otherwise he’s really failing her as a father. That is what good fathers do, after all, commit their child to an institution for getting bad grades their first semester in college. No wonder our country’s mental institutions are simply bursting at the seams with lazy college freshmen….

Then in the final scene we encounter an incognito Boone Clemens, played by Nick Jonas and back from the dead. He attempts to workout at the gym in a giant lumberjack fake beard and stache while on his cell talking about how he’s tired of playing the Red Devil and killing people for Gigi. The plan is to take her down. We knew he was still alive and now we know he’s out for the The Hag of Shady Lane. Well, bring it on, Bro. We’re all waiting to see this one go down.

“Mommie Dearest” makes many attempts to imply that Grace could be our killer but we’re not falling for it here at Fetchland.com. We’re still convinced it’s Chanel No. 1. Hey, she actually kills people for reals! And she’s funny and rich and looks damn good doing it too… What better combo exists for a killer on the glamorous comedy romp Scream Queens than this?

Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Beware of Young Girls” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Beware of Young Girls The Kappas use a Ouija board in hopes of communicating with Chanel No. 2 and identifying the killer.

Scream Queens episode seven opens on Chanel No.2’s funeral with a bubble gum pink casket, a ferocious Chanel No. 1 and all the beautiful sadness a silly satire can muster. In order to quell the flummoxed Chanel no. 1, the Chanels decide to contact Number 2 so she can say she’s sorry and quiet the shrieks of No. 1. They play Ouija board and it totally tells them so many things they can hardly believe it. The board spills the beans on all kinds of dirt especially about Chad cheating on Chanel No. 1 even now after he promised to be monogamous.

In the next scene Gigi yells at someone on the phone that “We’re murderers! We’re vengeful killers not just kidnappers.” Then Wes comes home to her and she has to get off the phone… so it wasn’t him on the phone. In other words, he’s not the killer. Then we see Grace shopping with Gigi to help her pick out clothes so she’ll no longer dress like a member of the Beverly Hills 90210 cast. Grace’s real goal, though is to get intel on her Dad from his current girlfriend. She fails on that count, seeing as how Gigi lack the sanity to have any insight into Wes, but does get other info.

During their talk Gigi drops hints about a previous student, Feather, who clearly has a vendetta against Dean Munsch. Feather McCarthy, played by the incomparable pixie, Tavi Gevinson dressed like a member of Wharhol’s factory. She had an affair with Dean Munsch’s husband when he was her Beatles professor at the university. They fell in love, so he left the Dean for Feather and they got married. The Dean didn’t take it well. She started dressing just like Feather and stalked her until she eventually got kicked out of school and had to finish her education online. Someone even tried to kill Feather in the bathtub during this time with a transistor radio, just like how the Dean before Munsch was murdered… interesting. After Feather tells Grace and Puppydog Pete this story she returns home to find her husband decapitated – head aglow in her fish tank.

Meanwhile Chanel No. 1 confronts Chad about the Ouija board revelations, who happens to be wearing a baby blue silk robe. He says he does have a confession but it’s not that he’s cheating, it’s that he’s lactose intolerant and rubs his goat’s belly regularly to get some lactose-free high protein refreshment. The ghost obviously mistook his goat for some girl action. Then Detective Chisolm accuses the Dean of killing her ex husband at the very least and maybe even the Red Devil killer too. He says, “Like um, I’m sorry but uh, like you’re like kinda under arrest. Seriously.” They take her off to a mental hospital for the criminally insane in a straight jacket. In the next scene Grace and Pete smooch when she gets a call from Dean Munsch saying Grace has to come see her at the insane asylum. So, she brings her puppy Pete along and visits Munsch the next morning. The Dean seems content at the asylum, sketching in crayon and claiming it was Feather who killed her ex husband and maybe all the other killings too. Dean says you can’t trust a girl like Feather who has a full bush between her legs. She’s obviously hiding something… During the conversation the Dean rejects an asylum sandwich because she’s allergic to the sulfites in deli meats.

Then Grace and Pete look at the evidence file from Detective Chisolm and there was a bologna sandwich at the crime scene of her ex husband’s death, obviously consumed by the killer. They surmise that therefore she can’t have been the killer. Then we’re back to a new Ouija conversation between the Chanels and No. 2. They ask a bunch of questions that only a real ghost would know, like how many tampons are in Hester’s purse – 9, and what cereal No 3 choked on as a kid – Kix. Then they ask who’s killing everybody and ghost of Chanel No. 2 says No. 1 is the killer. This scares all the other Chanels and they run away from a fuming No. 1. They attempt to plan her death but their ideas are far too dim to ever succeed. Nevertheless, they vow to keep trying and murder her that very night.

Chanel No. 2 shows up at the end of sleeping Chanel No. 1’s bed to apologize – visiting from hell. Turns out the other hellions told her the only way she could get to heaven would be to make things right with Chanel No. 1. So, here she is, apologizing. No. 1 accepts her apology and then No 2. tells her the other Chanels are coming to murder her but she needs to be the bigger person – be a leader. Chanel wakes up then, it was all a dream. Or was it?

Grace and Pete then go to Feather’s place and take her toothbrush so the detectives can compare the DNA to the half eaten sandwich found at her husband’s murder scene. It’s a match! She’s the killer! Chisolm says that they don’t exactly have a motive for Feather to have done all the other killings on campus but they’re certainly working on it. They lock away that little pixie and throw away the key. Then Grace confronts Dean Munsch about the connection between Feather and all these other killings and asks her what happened to that baby from the Kappa bathtub murder. Munsch says she’ll tell Grace as soon as she comes to the Dean’s office for an official talk. She’s extraordinarily adept at stalling, that Dean.

Chanel No. 1 then confronts the Chanels about how they’re planning to kill her. She says kinda gets it though and she’s willing to let bygones be whatever and hands out gifts – Nancy Drew pink hats and giant magnifying glasses. They’re going to team up and find the real killers dressed as the cutest detectives this campus has ever seen. There’s no way Feather could have done all this murderous campus wreckage on her own and she’s obviously being framed. “Do I make myself clear, you whores?” she asks. They all nod their perfectly docile heads.

In the final scene Dean Munsch twirls to the song “Beware of Young Girls” drinks a glass of red wine and prances around to her voiceover. In her narrative the Dean admits to killing her husband and framing Feather, a plan she plotted for years. Here’s to young girls getting what they had coming to them. Then Zayday and Grace come home late at night under the watchful glare of the carefully coiffed Chanels above, four vengeful vultures.

Best thing about this episode is that it brings back the delightful sparkling glittery delight of Chanel No.2 but, unfortunately, she is still dead. On the other hand, the prospect of our killers being Chanel No. 1 and Chad remains a good possibility after the events of this episode. So, we’re sticking with them as out team of killers for now. The gorgeous pair are perfectly cast in those killer roles.

Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Seven Minutes in Hell” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:

Seven Minutes in Hell In an attempt to protect herself, Chanel makes a decision that puts Zayday in a position of power.

The episode opens on the vote for Kappa house president. When it’s a tie Chanel rushes off to weep in her closet… but this turns out to be a fake tantrum because she too voted for Zayday. It seems Chanel doesn’t like being the top target for the Red Devil as Kappa Prez. Let Zayday die in her place kinda thing. So, then Chanel says screw the tie and formally declares Z acting president. Zayday throws a slumber party to celebrate and she’s even got reasons. She cites two inevitable truths for every slumber party: someone will experiment with lesbianism (Number Three) and secrets will be revealed. Number Three immediately demands that they play spin the bottle so her fantasy can become real. When Number Three then kisses Predatory Lez (Sam) they finally arouse their mutual lust. So, Z was right about one of the slumber party inevitabilities anyway.

Then somehow the Kappa house doors and windows suddenly lock solid and they’re all stuck inside playing spin the bottle with no “dickies” around and the two lesbians already paired off. Chanel explains that a few weeks before she had Chad turn the whole house into a panic room with a failsafe security system so they can all be safe inside from the Red Devil. So, somebody must have flipped the switch and locked the system. Hester points out it’s also a great way to kill them off one by one as they have no means of escape. Then the lights go out.

Meanwhile at a frat house intervention Chad gets mocked for sleeping with the Dean and a security guard (Denise) because it’s super weird to sleep with so many oldies. Though he says the sex with fossils was awesome, Chad makes a solemn promise to focus on screwing only popular girls from now on, especially Chanel even though she cries a lot when they do it. Then the frat bros decide the best next steps for them to re-establish their manhood is a panty raid at the Kappa slumber party. It’s on like Donkey King and even better Chanel calls Chad begging him to come save Kappa – princesses locked in a sorority house. He’s like we’re headed that way anyway and takes this opportunity to confess to sex with the Dean and Denise. Then Chad and his bros break into Kappa easily. But the Red Devil, right outside, promptly axes their armless frat brother, Caulfield Mount Herman. The rest of the frat bros managed to get inside Kappa house before doing “all they can to show Caulfield the dignity of watching him die.”

Then it’s pep talk time at Kappa as Zayday – belly ring glinting in the moonlight – convinces a panicked Grace they can overcome their current problem. They just have to stick together and stay strong, blah blah blah etc. Meanwhile she’s talking about playing a game of Truth or Dare with some sorority girls, not climbing Everest. They plan to try to find the killer using Truth or Dare because everybody knows that nobody ever lies playing such a sacred game. Chad sputters out a lecture series about how INDEED you really truly honestly can’t lie. Fer sher they’re gonna find the killer this way.

Tension rises during Truth or Dare when Grace asks Sam what Number Three’s deepest secret is and Sam reveals Charles Manson is Three’s father at the same time Number Three says she’s got sexy urges for Sam. Two cats out of the bag in one shot. Out of anger Number Three then dares Sam to go sit in the spooky secret basement bathtub. Sam apologizes for exposing Three’s Manson family secret as she heads for the tub. Once there, the Red Devil knocks her down and Sam says, “Show me who you are first,” so, the Devil takes off their mask but we don’t see. Sam says, “I knew it was you,” then the Red Devil puts the mask back on and a plastic bag over Sam’s face, pulling it tight.

Chanel then interrupts Hester hitting on Chad in the kitchen for the millionth time and reacts with a spectacle for everyone at Kappa to make note that she and Chad are doing Seven Minutes in Heaven together. They start making out in a closet but barely begin before she says she wants to be girlfriend/boyfriend again… only Chad can’t have sex with anyone else. He has to pinky swear. So, because Chanel’s super gullible and her Dad’s uber rich, Chad pinky swears yes – mainly because she’s so easy to trick. Just then we hear Hester scream. She’s discovered Sam’s dead body in the bathtub. Chanel immediately accuses Hester of being the killer and they all agree it’s suspicious so they’ll lock her in a closet for now.

Meanwhile Number Five makes out with hot-but-boring Roger (brother of the recently deceased Dodger) but then the Red Devil rushes in and nail guns his pretty face to death. The Devil spares Number Five but she’s totally ungrateful and starts screaming while clutching her tiny tiara as the Red Devil slips away. Her screams bring the rest of the crew up to her room so now they all accuse her of being the killer. Grace throws some logic into the mix that none of them could have done it. Then Chanel accuses Grace’s puppy dog, Pete. He’s been gone all night, after all and isn’t that super convenient?

Then with all those accusations out of the way they discover a trap door leading to a hidden tunnel system in the closet and climb down into it. The tunnel is lined with portraits of all the previous Kappa presidents and Chanel explains the history of each one to Zayday. Chanel knows an AWFUL LOT about the tunnel. Then the Red Devil shows up with an axe for each of them and the chase is on. Just as Devil’s about to decapitate Zayday, Chanel saves her with a blow to the back of the killer’s head. When Zayday points this out to Chanel afterward, Chanel says saving her was purely selfish. No way Chanel could survive the Red Devil without allies, she claims. Saving Zayday only to sacrifice her later seems to be the idea…. Chanel’s in survival mode.

In the final scene of “Seven Minutes in Heaven” Kappa house is unlocked and yet another investigation is underway. Dean Munsch finally found her scapegoat in Kappa house and says she’s ready to declare that as long as students and faculty aren’t involved in any way with Kappa, they’re safe. Wes arrives to say he’s going to take Grace away and keep her safe but she says she won’t go. Then he gives up ridiculously quickly. Grace gets a text from Puppy Dog Pete that he’s suddenly available to make out – suspicion creeps onto Grace’s face. Then Chanel Three and Five cry on each other’s shoulders that the last people they made out with got killed right after. They pep talk each other and make a pact to outlive Chanel. Lastly, all the Kappa girls celebrate still being alive with a dance party. Chanel got them each a set of custom made pink nunchucks and it’s time to get down to Modern English singing Melt With You as the Red Devil watches from just outside Kappa House.

The jokes were flying fast in this episode, especially between Chad and Chanel about how much the each hate having sex with the other. Because they’re so over the top, Chanel and Chad are the most clearly defined and funny characters. We know what they’re going to say and do – no surprises and lots of laughs. Meanwhile the other characters remain in various formative stages but Grace and Zayday are clearly the buddy hero team with their main goal simply being to catch the Red Devil killer. Grace has Daddy issues baggage and Pete the Puppy Dog up her butt half the time and Zayday’s a little power hungry but otherwise they’re pretty standard buddy detectives. For many reasons we know these two aren’t the killers.

So, let’s go out on a limb this time and say the killer is team Chanel and Chad. These characters aren’t going anywhere – they’re locked into this storyline like the sorority girls stuck in Kappa House. Also both could easily get minions to do their dirty work: pretending to be victims of the Red Devil, playing the Red Devil, or providing an alibi. What’s their motive? Not sure, but it’s probably a sex thing since they both seem so frustrated.

–Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Haunted House” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Haunted House As Halloween approaches, Zayday makes a stunning announcement and Chanel concocts a devious plan.

Off the bat, we’re introduced to a glorious new Chanel concept, Chaneloween. This entails Chanel sending Halloween care packages to her (most pathetic) Instagram fans across the country. Their gratitude is immeasurable and they declare that her foam halloween gifties mean Chanel is clearly the most amazing woman in the world. She’s clearly changing lives one fake bloodied severed head at a time. Meanwhile Grace and Barista Pete have driven out to a trailer in the middle of nowhere to investigate what happened at Kappa house that fateful night of the bathtub death all those years ago. A woman with a baked armadillo warming in the oven brings them back to that night with a story so detailed it’s almost as if she hasn’t moved on at all.

Apparently Dean Munsch filled the fateful night’s sorority girls witnesses with terror. She pillowcased their heads and drove them to bury their dead sorority sister in the woods. Then stood in the glare of her headlights to chaperone their midnight grave-digging before driving them away from the college forever. In the end of the armadillo lady’s story Dean Munsch calls herself their guardian angel. This trailer park former sorority girl then makes a point of telling Grace that the baby was a girl. Of that she’s quite certain.

Back at the Kappa house and to Chanel’s chagrin, Zayday announces she’s running for president of Kappa. Chanel immediately threatens to murder Z right to her face then follows up by sharpening knives in her negligee at three am, like ya do. The other Chanels comfort their leader with promises of wreaking disease upon Zayday, deciding finally on the horrific black hairy tongue as their curse of choice. Meanwhile back in the middle of nowhere the witness to sorority day terrors of yore gets taunted then killed in her trailer by the Red Devil. This seems too obvious a nod toward the Dean, since this woman JUST implicated her in the sorority murder that very afternoon over some warm armadillo.

Chad and madeover Hester (now a semi-Chanel) meet in a graveyard and have a tawdry bizarre talk about dark feelings and body chopping. Hester explains that when Zayday becomes Prez of Kappa, she’ll be VP and thus only one push-a-girl-down-the-stairs away from the top spot at Kappa. This gives Chad a chub. He tells her they’ve got to do it right now and right here but Hester insists their location just isn’t scary enough. She needs him to set up a more horrifying scenario first… Chad is now longing for Hester and subsequently must find a Haunted House for their imminent intercourse.

We then shift to Grace following up her trailer convo with a Daddy confrontation in the film classroom. Grace asks Wes if she was that fateful night baby and it was her mother who died in the sorority bathtub. He says no. She replies that he better not be her mother’s killer or the Red Devil and lying to her because she’ll never speak to him again. Oh snap, you’ll really get him talking now, Grace. That always gets killers to confess, the silent treatment from their kid. Veronica Mars she’s not.

Next we encounter the self-appointed finder-of-all-things-murderish, Denise, security guard extraordinaire. She’s regaling the story of The Hag in the House on Shady Lane while standing right in it with Barista Pete, Grace and Zayday. The terrifying tale just happens to arise from the same year as the sorority bathtub baby – 1995. The story ends with a creepy room in the haunted house where an empty rocking chair surrounded by baby dolls creeks even though its empty. Denise explains that she’s been reading up on urban legends and haunted houses at the library to boot. She then taunts Zayday, who she still believes is the killer but then it comes out that Zayday knows how to look up stuff from twenty years ago too. Z turns the beat around and confronts Denise. She knows how back in the day Denise pledged Kappa. Then after being rejected by Kappa, Denise left their school for community college. So, from that info Zayday concludes that it’s Denise who has motive to kill – apparently not holding a community college education in very high esteem. Snob alert. Maybe Zayday’s right for that President role at Kappa after all. In fact, she then declares her future role as the first black President of Kappa with misty-eyed glance off into the distance….

Next we’re in the cafeteria where the Chanels share a not-food lunch of cottonballs and sauce with Hester. They give up on this lack of nourishment quickly and then, obviously hungry, slam a frat boy for objectifying them on their way out. He ends up groaning and nearly dead on the linoleum. Now it’s time for rendezvous number two between Chad and Hester. But is he man enough to “attack her crack” in a haunted house? At first the horny duo think The Haunted House on Shady Lane is merely a Halloween haunted house but then it turns out to be full of actual dead bodies, including Chanel #2, Ariana Grande. Chad and Hester announce what they found at the local coffee shop resulting in the next scene, a party among the dead bodies. Zayday calls 911 at the party and the police officer says he heard that haunted house was super dope and he can’t wait to check it out. This isn’t an emergency because any haunted house has to be full of dead bodies, silly girl. Just when she’s discussing tax dollars at work who does Zayday encounter? The shiny Red Devil, of course.

In the party aftermath the five bodies finally get discovered by officials at the house on Shady Lane, so then police ask questions at Kappa. Dean Munsch keeps reminding everyone that very few of the dead bodies were her students (only Coney the mascot and Chanel #2) so there’s really not a reason to close the school. Also, Zayday’s merely missing and not yet declared dead. Phew! But the biggest reveal comes at the end of this episode sits in the rocking chair of that Haunted House. The Hag of Shady Lane turns out to be Gigi, Nasim Pedrad, AKA the national president of Kappa who’s got that massive puppydog crush on Wes (Grace’s Dad).

Tonight’s guess for who the killer is: Chanel; We know she’s capable of murder and her threats keep that memory vivid.

–Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Chainsaw” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Chainsaw Chanel No. 3 shares a secret and a surprising connection between two students is revealed.

“Chainsaw” begins with scream queens, Grace and Zayday at a truckstop where they see the Red Devil between the aisles so Grace tazes him in the groin but it turns out he’s just a random freshman in the mascot costume – with tazed nuts. Then Chanel No. 5 announces to Chanel No. 1 that she’s leaving Kappa. Apparently she’s planning to focus on getting “eiffel towered” and “spit-roasted” because college remains a land ripe with visually arresting sex euphemisms. Meanwhile back at Kappa house the security guard helps Grace and Zayday test the rug in Chanel No. 2’s room for blood. Turns out Chanel No. 2 is still posting on social media, “See here she is by the pool in Bel Aire,” to which the security guard replies, “Bitch isn’t even that cute!”

Outside on quad during a candlelight vigil Chanel No. 1 approaches Chad about maybe getting back together but he’s too busy sleeping around to even give it serious consideration, though she does “shave her box in a pretty hot way.” He’s too turned off by all her “ugly pledges at Kappa.” Dean Munsch then announces to the candle-holding procession of sad sacks that the university will no longer use the Red Devil mascot given recent events. She introduces the new ice cream cone “Coney” to a collective sigh that covers the morose vigil in a sweep of deeper doldrums despite zippy dance music and a shiny, bouncing new mascot.

Grace and Zayday then take the security guard to Chanel No. 2’s mansion where they talk to her parents about how she’s still posting on Instagram, even if the pics aren’t particularly cute. Chanel’s parents are shocked by this undeniable lack of cuteness and declare that OMG their daughter “must be drinking again” and it’s so disappointing because they thought all was well due to her boyfriend Chad. The parental duo show them a letter from Chad declaring Chanel No. 2’s “hotness,” describing a weekend visit Chad made to that very same mansion and how he enjoyed the boning that thus commenced between them throughout said weekend. The mystery of Chad’s role remains.

Grace attends her first film class and it’s surprisingly taught by her dear old Daddykins – so she flees in horrified shame. Though her father, Wes, teaches literature and the whole reason he was teaching the class (Grace) just left, he teaches this film class anyway. His first order of business – showing them The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Wes ends the class with, “Aren’t we all running from the chainsaws of our past?” Um, no, weirdo but we’re all certainly wondering about you now. Except for his fellow teacher, Gigi, who apparently finds him all the more attractive now.

Next we meet Aaron Cohen, shorty McIceCreamery, the little guy inside the Coney costume. He’s finally found bliss walking the campus inside his shiny cone… but it’s not meant to be for Coney and he’s soon chainsawed in the costume closet by the Red Devil – victim #1 of episode three. Returning to Kappa house we find Chanel No. 1 in her Paris apartment-sized closet where Hester awaits with probing questions. Chanel then realizes she could prove Chad wrong about Kappa’s “ugly pledges” if she gives all the newbies makeovers and what better place to start than Hester – the Platonic ideal of scoliosis?

Chanel No. 3 then confesses to one of the pledges that her biological father is actually Charles Manson. That means if anybody finds out Chanel No. 3 will need an alibi to prove she’s not just following in Daddy’s footsteps as the killer. So, they become “alibuddies” promising to be each other’s alibis in case they each get accused of being the killer. Grace and Z return to Kappa and find out that it wasn’t just Chanel No. 2 but also 3 and 5 who were dating Chad behind 1’s back last year. Though 5’s heart wasn’t really in their one date, but of course she slept with him anyway… So, Chad’s officially really into boning Chanels every chance her gets. Grace will soon wonder if this means he’s a sociopath, as if that’s the only possible reason for such behavior. Chanel No. 1 then slowly descends the stairs as she introduces her made over Hester. Now glammed up, just like a Chanel, and it’s all pretty magical aside from Hester talking through clenched teeth and about to pass out from the pain of not wearing her neckbrace.

Next Chad does a jaunty presentation for his bros, explaining how Boone was, in fact, gay but still couldn’t possibly have killed himself. He must’ve been murdered, Chad explains. So now they’ve got to do their bro duty and avenge it by drinking too much then roaming the streets dressed all in white and flailing baseball bats. But when the bros in white encounter the Red Devil it turns out to be two Red Devils with chainsaws this time. Killing commences. Baseball bats don’t hold up too well against chainsaws… and neither do frat boy arms.

Grace heads back into Veronica Mars territory with a visit to the barista (Pete) in his dorm room to discuss who the murderer might be. He’s been investigating on his own and wants to take her on a mission. They immediately leave town together. The security guard then collars Zayday, certain she’s the killer for reasons including a tweet to @ShondaRhimes about the hit show How to Get Away With Murder and the chainsaw Zayday keeps under her bed “for protection.” Then back at the sorority house Dean Munsch gets between Gigi and Wes on their “date” but it’s more of a salad dressing taste test than a date as the three of them eat salad with about twelve dressings to choose from on their Kappa House dining table. Luckily Dean Munsch brought all that salad dressing along to keep things truly tantalizing. She calls dibs on Wes so it makes perfect sense that she’d join them on their date – right? But who has time to protest? Wes leaves super early anyway – something about being worried his daughter Grace has just left town and will get murdered.

Soon after Gigi and the Dean settle into silky twin Kappa House beds for nighty night until the Dean’s “white noise machine” turns out to be a more of a horrifying noisemaker. So, Gigi trots downstairs to the living room couch with her pillow. But guess who awaits there? It’s the Red Devil with his chainsaw! Wes hears the revving chainsaw from his car outside where he apparently fell asleep just before driving away to save his daughter. He rushes into Kappa and scares away the Red Devil. When Dean Munsch comes down to see what all the fuss is about he says, “Aha! You’re the killer!” They call the cops and the episode ends with Dean Munsch as the show’s primary suspect. Thus, we’ll have to change our guess for this week and pick another character as the killer. We can’t take the easy route… so, we’ll take the second easiest route. Who falls asleep on the way to save their daughter, anyway?

Tonight’s guess for who the Red Devil killer is: Wes

–Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Pilot; Hell Week” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Pilot; Hell Week The most popular sorority, Kappa House, faces changes and a devil-clad killer wreaks havoc on campus.

There are several reasons to watch the newest iteration of charm and fright from Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan, creators of the respectively charming and frightful Glee and American Horror Story. Scream Queens has a cast loaded with certifiably talented stars and the show creators’ solemn promise that they’ll kill off at least one main character per episode. This cast’s promising amalgam of cuteness and aptitude includes such teeny-bopper-beloved talent as Ariana Grande, Keke Palmer, Lea Michele, and Emma Roberts. No matter how you may feel about the verisimilitude of said “talents” before watching Scream Queens, you will certainly be assured of their many abilities after the experience.

We begin with a bit of backstory for the sorority Kappa Kappa Tau, the primary haven of horror in Scream Queens. Our story begins on a wretched dark and stormy night when one of the sisters has a surprise baby (she totally didn’t know about it, guys!) and then dies the minute her sorority sisters leave. They do what any good sisters would and immediately hide the body, though we don’t find out what happened to that incredibly unlucky baby.

Then the 2015 story opens on current Kappa, a sorority where all the prettiest girls are named Chanel, just like in real life. And they all wear pastel Chanel suits, just like college girls so often do these days. It’s clear from moment numero uno that this is a mean girl’s world and Emma Roberts plays queen mean girl, Chanel #1. Within mere minutes of episode onset we’re already wondering if she’s an actual killer or just a killer bitch. The new Dean of the University, played by real-life scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis, has a major league bone to pick with the Greek System and she starts off on her mission to destroy by calling Chanel #1 into her office for menacing threats and accusations.

Next we meet innocent curly goldilocks, Grace chatting sweetly as her widowed Dad drives her to the first day of college. She may have a link to the opening Kappa Kappa Tau scene, so guess where she’s headed? Yes, Grace will pledge Kappa Kappa Tau, right after a waterworks hug goodbye with daddykins in her bleak dorm room. But then the room gets a helluva lot sexier when the stunning and sprightly Keke Palmer enters tp announce that she’s Zeyday and they’re roomies. Grace quickly convinces Zey to rush Kappa with her because how else is Zeyday going to fulfill her dream to be the first black woman President?

Unfortunately for KKT, that night the Dean extracts every last drop of elitism from their first pledge party when she declares that according to new school rules anybody can become a member of Kappa. This is where Lea Michele comes in as Hester, a disabled Kappa wannabe and now pledge. Hester wears a ridiculous neckbrace and thus suffers with that nickname henceforth. Still, her character is a gem and not just fodder for stereotypical disability cheap shots that fall easy from the totem of wisecracks – a stultifying medical device.

One of the funniest scenes involves a text conversation between murderer and victim standing just feet away from each other. In this scene we laugh and laugh because the only sad part is that the writers take out Ariana Grande, a fan fav for certain in this fabulous mockup of the movie Scream. But she died honorably, for the sake of the funny. The truly funniest scene, though, is the heart to heart Hester (Lea Michele) has with the top Chanels about her obsession with death and body disposal. She tries to help them deal with Chanel #2’s (Ariana Grande’s) body with her perfectly executed awkward and vulnerable yet all-knowing Hester. This is followed by a slapdash security guard visitation to the sorority house. Sent to protect the sisters from imminent death, the guard manages to only frighten them further. If you’ve ever been utterly flabbergasted by the inadequacy of an alleged professional sent to do a job, this scene rings true and funny too.

Scream Queens has it all, even a Veronica Mars side plot with goldilocks Grace and an intrepid barista/reporter digging up dirt on Kappa. They fall for each other in a stock scene hilariously ripping on multiple Taylor Swift videos. Grace does all the investigative work (of course) and finds out all the info but barista boy appears to kiss well enough for her to keep him on as partner. Problem is he happens to own the outfit the killer wears… though barista boy claims it’s his school mascot costume. Another subplot involves the Dean getting the hots for every male character while also seeking some sort of revenge on all female characters. Yet another side story involves a closeted gay Jonas brother who faces an outing by Chanel #1 but then gets his throat slashed – the last of many characters killed by the shiny devil in the seemingly inexhaustible sequence of death after death after death. But then a surprising twist at the end brings him back to life when the glossy red devil opens a morgue drawer and awakens the not-actually-dead Jonas brother. Turns out they were in cahoots! Still no clue really about who the devil actually is but we certainly know a tiny bit more than nothing about him now and that’s something – right?

Pilot; Hell Week is packed with action, sillyness, and mystery – a splendid smoothie composed almost entirely of pretty girls in tiny cute costumes. The music is perfect. The tone resplendent. The story gripping. The horror satisfies even though it’s not particularly horrifying compared to most gorefests these days. Even though shocking things happen and there’s lots of blood, it stays tame because of this funny, glittery, over the top world where jokes land like gold medal gymnasts doing cartwheel after backflip after roundoff. It’s a laughfest that indulges us in the comforting balm of familiar cultural references. There’s also a glorious mockery of everyday events like when divas scream at baristas for extra hot, no foam, half caff, pumpkin spice lattes. And throughout we revel in the teasing mystery of a murderer/conman who’s working the whole campus in a gleaming red devil suit.

Tonight’s guess for who the devil that killer is: The Dean

–Katherine Recap