[For Scream Queens‘ “Seven Minutes in Hell” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]
Seven Minutes in Hell In an attempt to protect herself, Chanel makes a decision that puts Zayday in a position of power.
The episode opens on the vote for Kappa house president. When it’s a tie Chanel rushes off to weep in her closet… but this turns out to be a fake tantrum because she too voted for Zayday. It seems Chanel doesn’t like being the top target for the Red Devil as Kappa Prez. Let Zayday die in her place kinda thing. So, then Chanel says screw the tie and formally declares Z acting president. Zayday throws a slumber party to celebrate and she’s even got reasons. She cites two inevitable truths for every slumber party: someone will experiment with lesbianism (Number Three) and secrets will be revealed. Number Three immediately demands that they play spin the bottle so her fantasy can become real. When Number Three then kisses Predatory Lez (Sam) they finally arouse their mutual lust. So, Z was right about one of the slumber party inevitabilities anyway.
Then somehow the Kappa house doors and windows suddenly lock solid and they’re all stuck inside playing spin the bottle with no “dickies” around and the two lesbians already paired off. Chanel explains that a few weeks before she had Chad turn the whole house into a panic room with a failsafe security system so they can all be safe inside from the Red Devil. So, somebody must have flipped the switch and locked the system. Hester points out it’s also a great way to kill them off one by one as they have no means of escape. Then the lights go out.
Meanwhile at a frat house intervention Chad gets mocked for sleeping with the Dean and a security guard (Denise) because it’s super weird to sleep with so many oldies. Though he says the sex with fossils was awesome, Chad makes a solemn promise to focus on screwing only popular girls from now on, especially Chanel even though she cries a lot when they do it. Then the frat bros decide the best next steps for them to re-establish their manhood is a panty raid at the Kappa slumber party. It’s on like Donkey King and even better Chanel calls Chad begging him to come save Kappa – princesses locked in a sorority house. He’s like we’re headed that way anyway and takes this opportunity to confess to sex with the Dean and Denise. Then Chad and his bros break into Kappa easily. But the Red Devil, right outside, promptly axes their armless frat brother, Caulfield Mount Herman. The rest of the frat bros managed to get inside Kappa house before doing “all they can to show Caulfield the dignity of watching him die.”
Then it’s pep talk time at Kappa as Zayday – belly ring glinting in the moonlight – convinces a panicked Grace they can overcome their current problem. They just have to stick together and stay strong, blah blah blah etc. Meanwhile she’s talking about playing a game of Truth or Dare with some sorority girls, not climbing Everest. They plan to try to find the killer using Truth or Dare because everybody knows that nobody ever lies playing such a sacred game. Chad sputters out a lecture series about how INDEED you really truly honestly can’t lie. Fer sher they’re gonna find the killer this way.
Tension rises during Truth or Dare when Grace asks Sam what Number Three’s deepest secret is and Sam reveals Charles Manson is Three’s father at the same time Number Three says she’s got sexy urges for Sam. Two cats out of the bag in one shot. Out of anger Number Three then dares Sam to go sit in the spooky secret basement bathtub. Sam apologizes for exposing Three’s Manson family secret as she heads for the tub. Once there, the Red Devil knocks her down and Sam says, “Show me who you are first,” so, the Devil takes off their mask but we don’t see. Sam says, “I knew it was you,” then the Red Devil puts the mask back on and a plastic bag over Sam’s face, pulling it tight.
Chanel then interrupts Hester hitting on Chad in the kitchen for the millionth time and reacts with a spectacle for everyone at Kappa to make note that she and Chad are doing Seven Minutes in Heaven together. They start making out in a closet but barely begin before she says she wants to be girlfriend/boyfriend again… only Chad can’t have sex with anyone else. He has to pinky swear. So, because Chanel’s super gullible and her Dad’s uber rich, Chad pinky swears yes – mainly because she’s so easy to trick. Just then we hear Hester scream. She’s discovered Sam’s dead body in the bathtub. Chanel immediately accuses Hester of being the killer and they all agree it’s suspicious so they’ll lock her in a closet for now.
Meanwhile Number Five makes out with hot-but-boring Roger (brother of the recently deceased Dodger) but then the Red Devil rushes in and nail guns his pretty face to death. The Devil spares Number Five but she’s totally ungrateful and starts screaming while clutching her tiny tiara as the Red Devil slips away. Her screams bring the rest of the crew up to her room so now they all accuse her of being the killer. Grace throws some logic into the mix that none of them could have done it. Then Chanel accuses Grace’s puppy dog, Pete. He’s been gone all night, after all and isn’t that super convenient?
Then with all those accusations out of the way they discover a trap door leading to a hidden tunnel system in the closet and climb down into it. The tunnel is lined with portraits of all the previous Kappa presidents and Chanel explains the history of each one to Zayday. Chanel knows an AWFUL LOT about the tunnel. Then the Red Devil shows up with an axe for each of them and the chase is on. Just as Devil’s about to decapitate Zayday, Chanel saves her with a blow to the back of the killer’s head. When Zayday points this out to Chanel afterward, Chanel says saving her was purely selfish. No way Chanel could survive the Red Devil without allies, she claims. Saving Zayday only to sacrifice her later seems to be the idea…. Chanel’s in survival mode.
In the final scene of “Seven Minutes in Heaven” Kappa house is unlocked and yet another investigation is underway. Dean Munsch finally found her scapegoat in Kappa house and says she’s ready to declare that as long as students and faculty aren’t involved in any way with Kappa, they’re safe. Wes arrives to say he’s going to take Grace away and keep her safe but she says she won’t go. Then he gives up ridiculously quickly. Grace gets a text from Puppy Dog Pete that he’s suddenly available to make out – suspicion creeps onto Grace’s face. Then Chanel Three and Five cry on each other’s shoulders that the last people they made out with got killed right after. They pep talk each other and make a pact to outlive Chanel. Lastly, all the Kappa girls celebrate still being alive with a dance party. Chanel got them each a set of custom made pink nunchucks and it’s time to get down to Modern English singing Melt With You as the Red Devil watches from just outside Kappa House.
The jokes were flying fast in this episode, especially between Chad and Chanel about how much the each hate having sex with the other. Because they’re so over the top, Chanel and Chad are the most clearly defined and funny characters. We know what they’re going to say and do – no surprises and lots of laughs. Meanwhile the other characters remain in various formative stages but Grace and Zayday are clearly the buddy hero team with their main goal simply being to catch the Red Devil killer. Grace has Daddy issues baggage and Pete the Puppy Dog up her butt half the time and Zayday’s a little power hungry but otherwise they’re pretty standard buddy detectives. For many reasons we know these two aren’t the killers.
So, let’s go out on a limb this time and say the killer is team Chanel and Chad. These characters aren’t going anywhere – they’re locked into this storyline like the sorority girls stuck in Kappa House. Also both could easily get minions to do their dirty work: pretending to be victims of the Red Devil, playing the Red Devil, or providing an alibi. What’s their motive? Not sure, but it’s probably a sex thing since they both seem so frustrated.