[For American Horror Story – Hotel‘ “Checking In” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]
FX Summary:
Checking In Detective and family man John Lowe investigates a chain of gruesome murders in Los Angeles.
If the fact that Lady Gaga plays a bloodsucking fashionista doesn’t make you want to watch American Horror Story – Hotel, the fifth installment of this macabre series, probably nothing will. Unless it’s the hot perfection of Matt Bomer, or towhead child vampires in british school uniforms, or a fascinating mystery involving murder, missing children and pretty much every other terrifying thought you’ve ever had. In other words there are many reasons to watch this sexy, weird and playful romp into a horrorland hotel. The show doesn’t take itself too seriously but it does tap into all the hidden terrors deep in the crevices of our grey matter. American Horror Story makes it fun to face our fears thanks to all the glossy glamour and movie star magic. Solid storytelling helps too. It’s only episode one and this watcher is hooked.
Right away the show provides an impeccable sense of place. Luciously decorated in art deco style and located near LA, the hotel echoes with sensual, spooky mystery. Iris, played by Kathy Bates, explains to an immediately dissatisfied blonde duo fresh off a plane from Sweden that their deposit is nonrefundable. Welcome to America. Mare Winningham plays Ms. Evers, a maid steaming what appears to be a bloody bedsheet in the hallway. Their room smells like dead animals too but then it gets even worse when a zombie climbs out of their bed. Welcome to the Hotel Cortez! An unflappable Iris then threatens rather than comforts the blonde duo while finding them another room; this one bigger, nicer and yet somehow scarier too. One of the blondes falls asleep then awakens to find her friend on the floor, being bitten bloody by two child blonde vampires in british school uniforms. Some days it’s better just to stay in bed.
Next we see Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley) solving a gruesome murder mystery, seemingly unaffected by the horrific scene as he untangles deductions out of a bloody mangled mess. Then he’s at the office face-timing with his adorable daughter and reading her “Little Women” in between looking at bloody corpse evidence photos. The man compartmentalizes like a pro. That night as he’s leaving the office, John gets a call from the Ten Commandments Killer, who tells him he’s going to kill again this very night at the Hotel Cortez – room 64. We then see Gabriel (Max Greenfield) checking into room 64 gussied up like a rockstar and ready to shoot drugs. The eminent Sarah Paulson, playing Hypodermic Sally, instantly lays claim to him, not that anybody else was interested. But then a creepola encased in what appears to be wet papier-mâché and wearing a drill bit dildo rushes in and beats her to it. Sally sits by to watch and tells the writhing Gabriel to say “I love you Sally” and the pain of the drill bit up his tuchas will go away. So, he says it and drill bit dude disappears at once. Poof.
Next thing you know Detective Lowe shows up at the Cortez, led to room 64 by a bald “Liz Taylor,” played expertly by Denis O’Hare in flowy drag. But when John gets there the room appears empty so he lies down on the bed for a moment of reflection. Detective Lowe wakes up hours later to see one of the blonde vampire children next to the bed. The kid runs away and John chases him through the mesmerizing hotel hallways until he’s lost in confusion.
Next we see a neon sign on one of the hotel’s interior walls that says, “Why aren’t we having sex right now?” It’s a good question given the level of hotness in this particular suite. Gaga, The Countess, gets dressed with the stunning Matt Bomer, Donovan and snorts coke. The pair then head out in sublime evening wear to sit on a blanket among beautiful people at a sort of drive in movie without cars. Nosferatu plays on the screen as The Countess and Donovan silently seduce a sexy young couple back to the Hotel Cortez with them. Next we see the quartet in an enormous circle bed enraptured in fourway nakedness all but for The Countess’s black thong, glittery pasties, and silvery spiked glove. But Donovan also has a glove, this one black and beaded with claw-like nails.Turns out these gloves are crucial because the couple uses their spiky sharp nails for slashing throats.
In the following scene Detective Lowe gets home to find Alex, Chloë Sevigny, his quinoa-cooking wife, headed out to her late night job – whatever that is. She leaves him with his young daughter who agrees with John that quinoa blows and they should go out to eat. Then Iris tortures the blonde duo (now caged) with threats of oyster smoothies until Hypodermic Sally rudely interrupts. Iris then leaves Sally to finish the oyster smoothie ritual so she can “feed that thing in room 33.” Sally lets the girls out “to entertain her” which means one of them must move her with their tears while the other attempts to escape. The escapee makes it all the way to the lobby before The Countess slits her throat with a razor sharp golden fingernail. She seems a bit cranky then and tells Iris “This can never happen again,” before sweeping out in an elegant wave of white silk.
Detective John is out with his elementary school-aged daughter when he gets a text from his wife with an address, 911 and “Help me!” So, he races to the location, gun-ready, and tells his daughter to wait in the car. Once out and about at the address, John’s phone rings, seemingly his wife, Alex calling but it turns out to be the killer. Then John’s daughter walks in before he can stop her and she sees some disemboweled gentlemen strung up and hanging from contraptions. He rushes to comfort her. Honestly, that’s what you get. He told you to stay in the car, kid.
It’s flashback time now and we find Detective John and his wife Alex at a carnival in 2010. At first you think the child with them is a younger version of their daughter but it turns out to be a son, Holden. He went missing at this carnival, on the merry go round with John watching him. Holden has the same impossibly blonde hair as the boy vampire from the Hotel Cortez and we find out in the next scene during present day that Holden is still missing and Alex says she “doesn’t blame John at all.”
The next scene brings Marcy the real estate broker back from American Horror Story season one. She’s showing the hotel to her client, Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) and his son, Lachlan. Marcy introduces Will to Iris as the new owner of the hotel. This throws Iris into a chicken little tizzy and she’s utterly convinced this Drake fella signifies the end times for her. Showing the new owner around also arouses the ire of Donovan but merely piques the interest of The Countess because Drake is a famous fashion designer and she’s REALLY into fashion. Lachlan tells The Countess, “People aren’t supposed to live in hotels” and she explains that this place is special. She shows him a hidden room with floor to ceiling video games and giant jars of candy where platinum blonde children in british school uniforms play and eat on shiny black couches. She addresses one of the children as Holden. Sound the trumpets! So, now we know it’s personal for Detective Lowe… and also why he chased the kid through the maze of hotel hallways.
Then we find out Iris is Donovan’s mother and she’s working there just so she can “see him every day.” Clearly it’s time for another flashback – this time to 1994. Donovan enters with Hypodermic Sally and Iris follows close behind to beg the desk clerk (Liz Taylor back in the day) to let her intervene to save her junkie son from shooting up. But Iris doesn’t have the necessary bribery cash and has to hit an ATM. She’s gonna be too late. Sally only has a dirty needle to give the young Donovan for his fix but he uses it anyway before his mom is pounding on the door – a middle-aged bespectacled buzzkill. Sally then leaves the room while Iris coddles and rocks her doped up son. But then at the end of the hallway Hypodermic Sally takes a moment to stop and fondle a curtain – big mistake. Iris is suddenly right behind her and pushes her out the window. Sally’s dead on the pavement many many floors below… but not really – right? The song Hotel California starts to play and when Iris returns to her son’s room there’s The Countess falling in love with her unconscious son.
As the song keeps playing Detective Lowe packs a suitcase and leaves home. He checks into the Hotel Cortez and gets room number 64 where he can check out any time he likes… but he can never leave.
–Katherine Recap
