There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Daily BB House Stats:
HOH – Nicole
HOH Nominated – Jozea, Paulie
Roadkill Comp Winner – Frank
RK Nominated – Paul
Veto Winner – Paul

Have-Nots – currently none
Punishment Status – Bridgette, Frank, Michelle, Paulie wear nudie pixel suits

Team Unicorn is safe for first 2 evictions
Corey, Tiffany are safe for 2nd eviction

Team Big Sister: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah, Jozea
Team Category 4: Frank, Michelle, Paulie, Bridgette
Team Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Team Unicorn: James, Natalie, Victor, Bronte

The day begins around noon eastern time, nine AM cage-matcher time as Frank talks to himself (us) in the beautiful backyard. He verifies facts for us about the Roadkill challenge and his role in nominating Paul then makes us laugh with a tirade of self-deprecation.

Over coffee Paul gives Nicole a lecture series on traveling the world and society’s over-reliance on money for happiness. He goes on and on and she’s never been better at the head nod and smile routine. It soon becomes clear that Paul’s conference-on-Paul shall continue all day and into the wee hours as Jozea gives a parallel lecture-series-on-Jozea from his bed/throne on the other funtacular feeds. James, hearby declared “best-smelling Houseguest” by the ladies, and all the smelly guys too find themselves listening and head nodding all day long. Soon we feedsters realize this is classic early days and that means a lot of cage-match convos that come to nothing. An awkward political discussion in the fake grass sends several conflict-avoidant houseguests fleeing across the coolest BB backyard yet. That was the most exciting event of the day – election talk. Yawn.

So, there’s lots of napping and bitching to spare on Feeds – June 24th. We notice many cage-matchers complain that Victor is “selfish” and “greedy” because he eats a lot and does things like use the (rare in the BB house) avocados to make a face mask for himself. The ladies find him annoying in general, except Natalie, who can’t help but occasionally cuddle him. Most of the cage-matcher conversations, though, were about absolutely nada today, with many of them even explicitly saying they don’t want to talk game. Speaking of talking in circles, Natalie and Victor discuss the “relationship” they never really had or wanted while cuddling in bed together, the Platonic ideal of saying one thing while actively doing the opposite.

The afternoon brought a spunky puppet show in the kitchen with Da’vonne and Victor holding colorful stuffed animals up to the counter. Jozea, the king of late night promises, declares there will be another puppet show at night. He’s notorious now after making a serious habit of promising crucial meetings and spectacular shows for “2AM” or “later tonight” that never come to light.

It’s interesting how much more attractive the houseguests are when they get all natural and normal after being in the house awhile. Their stiff, made-up, smiling facades from the pre show interviews fall away and we can see them simply as they are (on TV). Thus, whereas before they looked like TV characters, now they seem to simply be beautiful people. As always, we can’t help but start to see resemblances between houseguests and celebrities too. For instance, Bronte brings Tori Spelling to mind and Bridgette is the spitting image of the singer Bjork.

A funny moment happens on the hammock when Michelle says she wants to work out but can’t because her nudie pixel outfit prevents it and then the camera pans behind her where Paulie rides a stationary bike in his pixel suit with great ferocity and speed. Meanwhile Day (Da’vonne) makes a lovely dinner for everyone and they’re appropriately grateful. Tiff, though, was a sad bunny all night. If you wanted semi-fun, nominally entertaining feeds instead of sad bunnytime, you could swing over to watch drunk Paul on auto-repeat with the “I’m so drunk, guys”. We could’ve easily mistaken him for a college girl at a frat party. Truth is, Frank let out a fart that was more interesting than drunken Paul. Paulie even said, “That one makes my list of top five most well-timed farts ever,” like in the history of the world, dudes.

So, it wasn’t the most exciting day feed-wise, but strap yourselves in because Sunday night will be a spicy show with lots of thrills on the feeds right after. Sure, you’ll likely be watching the Game of Thrones finale at the time… We get it! That’s why we’re here – to share our delightful dish of ruination and recap with you the very next day. Fetchland lives to serve you, baby!

– Katherine Recap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Daily BB House Stats:
HOH – Nicole
HOH Nominated – Jozea, Paulie
Roadkill Comp Winner – Frank
RK Nominated – Paul
Veto Winner – Paul

Have-Nots – currently none
Punishment Status – Bridgette, Frank, Michelle, Paulie wear nudie pixel suits

Team Unicorn is safe for first 2 evictions
Corey, Tiffany are safe for 2nd eviction

Team Big Sister: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah, Jozea
Team Category 4: Frank, Michelle, Paulie, Bridgette
Team Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Team Unicorn: James, Natalie, Victor, Bronte

June 24th was a costume-filled extravaganza… OK, not really but there were a lot of costumes. Many in the house are currently gunning for Jozea to go home this week and thus are quick to point out his flaws as soon as he’s out of earshot. This is classic BB and, let’s just be really honest, humanity at large.

Michelle wore a fire hydrant costume to host the veto comp. Da’Vonne and Corey played along with Nicole, Jozea, Paulie, and Paul. Afterwards feedsters quickly found out Paul won the veto. We don’t know much about the Roadkill Competition yet (it’s a new one) but we do know it enabled the winner, Frank, to add Paul to the eviction block in a secret twist. Nobody else in the house is aware that it was Frank who won and many houseguests wrongly assume it was Nicole. So, now that Paul won veto and will take himself off the block, Frank will (secretly) name a replacement when the time comes. The veto challenge players wore doggie costumes to go along with Michelle’s hydrant, and the competition involved stacking, spinning and crawling through a tunnel. Afterward the players were nauseated and complainier than usual. Oh the spinning, oh the tunnel, of the indignity of it all… Veto players wore their dog suits for a long time, which made the serious discourse of the 2am “pre-meeting” funnier than it was intended. Paul also wore his veto around his neck much longer than anyone has in BB history.

The now notorious non-starter two am meetings are still getting called daily by Jozea and then not happening at all. This time, though he says the meeting is “crucial”, and everyone but Tiffany’s invited. The meeting never happens but they do hold a pre-meeting with Team Big Sister, Team Unicorn, and Paulie to discuss who they’d put up in place of Paul when he takes himself off the block with the veto. This shows how these newbies don’t really know how it works because the one with the power to nominate is always also the one who decides the re-nomination after a veto removal. Because the houseguests don’t know who nominated Paul, there’s really no way for them to influence the replacement. Jozea got the meeting pumpin’ to the jam with a pep talk saying they “own the house!!” although this couldn’t be farther from the current reality. In fact, right now it looks like Jozea will be the one going home – first evicted. His game strategy is to tell the HOH she’s the target and then walk around the house as if he owns the place… which seems more like a Joffrey Lannister impression than a Big Brother strategy.

Tiffany finally told Paulie she’s Vanessa’s sister and they bonded a little with how much they feel like they fit in better with the veterans than most of the newbie “crazy people”. Big Brother boozes them up a bit and several of them shotgun beers before a hasty round of Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare, with gross-out tasks. It all concluded with Victor doing a nudie pixel streak with a borrowed butt placard. He’s a handsome fella but nobody’s falling for his schtick thus far.

[For Penny Dreadful “Finale” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

Showtime Summary:
Finale. It’s the end.

Coming into the season three and series finale of Penny Dreadful nobody knew that this is where the story would end. Nobody except Vanessa Ives. As everything in the story swirls from one stabby, blood-soaked scene to another it all spirals to the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil. Of course, it’s not as if we weren’t warned. They’ve been spelling it out for us for three whole seasons and Vanessa Ives most of all. Every other word out of her mouth, it seems, was about the “end of days” and the final showdown between dark and light… and she really did mean final, it turns out.

Fetchland didn’t get ANY of our wishes with this finale and we’re not ashamed to say that the whole thing made us pretty damn sad to boot. Justine took a knife in the gut from remorseless, arrogant Dorian and all the lady warriors left soon after to avoid the same fate. Meanwhile Lily escaped Dr. Frankenstein’s needle with the heartbreaking story of her baby daughter’s death. She then returned to Dorian only to turn right back around and leave him forever with his words, “You’ll be back,” trailing after her. At least Lily got away. Of course, she’s devastated at the loss of Justine, “another dead child,” but she leaves as unscathed as an immortal with a broken heart and soul can possibly be.

The Creature’s not quite so lucky. Not only does his beloved son, Jack, die but then his wife Marge demands that he take the boy’s body to Dr. Frankenstein to be revived as he was. If he doesn’t do this, Marge declares that she never wants to see him again. This ultimatum certainly won’t do for the one man in the world who truly knows the torment of this “revival” she demands. He takes the boy’s body to the sea and floats him away on a watery grave of tears and The River Thames. Sadness reigns.

So, at this point we have two main characters sad and alone along with a destroyed city where the air has become poison, killing tens of thousands overnight while night creatures run the show. Frogs crawl out of air ducts in offices by the hundreds, vampires wander the streets, and all the innocent humans are dying in droves. It doesn’t bode well for the world of Penny Dreadful. They cap off the Dr. Jekyll character by securing his future as an aristocratic Lord with the death of his father and we never get to see the beast Hyde. It’s disappointing to say the least. Perhaps we’re meant to ponder how there are hidden monsters inside men even at the highest class ranks but we were already well aware of that; those of us who keep our eyes open and read the newspaper once in awhile, anyway. On the other hand, in a much less disappointing character arc, Catriona saves the day and Ethan’s life when the mighty trio return from the American West to save Vanessa and encounter a vampire instead. She explains that it’s the “end of days” and secures her position in Fetchland’s opinion as the perfect new James Bond. Her character has everything Bond needs to find a bigger audience and freshen that jaded brand. Catriona fights with a clever ferocity that squashes any man’s attempt to outdo her… plus she’s British with rad fencing skills.

But let’s get back to this desperately sad finale. Next Dr. Seward also helps the trio find Vanessa using Renfield under hypnosis as their guide. During their journey to Dracula, Renfield mentions that he believes if he’d had a friend like Seward in his life before maybe he wouldn’t have fallen into Dracula’s clutches. This reminds us of how Penny Dreadful often meditates upon the healing power of friendship. It’s one of the lasting and profound themes that remains an intrinsic message of this story even in this weeptacular finale. Actually this is the very idea we’re left with at the end of the show in the graveyard scene where these same characters congregate.

Kaetany and Ethan fight side by side as werewolves during the search for Vanessa and then Ethan finds out Kaetany was his “maker” but there’s really no time to get pissy about it. The world needs saving and Ethan’s the only man/wolf for the job. He does have his friends at his side, though, for the final showdown; Catriona, Malcolm, Drs. Frankenstein & Seward, along with Kaetany. At first, Dracula gives them a chance to retreat because Vanessa “wants them to live” but they say, “Fuck no,” and wage battle anyway. Silver bullets fly hither and fro while Catriona impresses with mighty hand-to-hand combat, stabby warfare, and acrobatics. We absolutely adore her. Next Ethan slips away from the gunfight and finds Vanessa at the end of a long hallway full of lit candles. Vanessa tells Ethan it’s all her fault. Turns out she’s the mother of all evil. So sad, so lost, so alone. It’s over for her and for the world unless he takes her out. She has to be the martyr to save the world. He kisses her and, reluctantly, kills her. As Vanessa dies she says she sees the Lord and looks happy at last. But we’re bereft and feeling pretty stabby ourselves. Martyrdom is the worst! We hate it. Fight, fight, fight, we always say. Never give up!… and whatnot.

The friends all hate it too. But then Dracula disappears, the sun comes back out, and the world is saved. Vanessa died so that the world could go on. We get it but we’re still bereft. In the final scene the friends go to Vanessa’s grave. The Creature waits until they all leave and then visits the grave as well and although we’re sadder than sad we also hear him recite the most beautiful funeral soliloquy. It’s from William Wordsworth’s, Ode to Immortality and, because we’re jaded old sods, we can’t remember the last time a poem actually made us cry. But this one does and we remember once again the sublime art of perfectly crafted verse and how it feels to be moved by the purity of words. Thank you for that, Penny Dreadful. You touched us with your gorgeous story and true artistry even while you took it all away from us forever.

–Katherine Recap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Welcome to Fetchland’s last “pure TV show” Big Brother post of the summer. It’s gonna be mostly feeds onward from here with a few TV bits sprinkled in purely for information sake. This is all about RUIN and the TV show only helps Fetchland as contrast for that purpose. But for now we still don’t have feeds, so, tune in tomorrow, June 25th, for loads of ruinous feed up-to-the-moment info. Meanwhile, the second episode of the “Premiere” opens as the Freakazoids freak out because they have to battle each other to decide the first evicted houseguest of the season.

In the next room a relieved Da’vonne comforts weeping Tiffany. It’s hilarious how Da’vonne recounts that Tiffany confessed “what she already knows” and then they bond. They laugh together over how Tiffany vowed not to be too emotional and is already breaking down on day two. Then Da’vonne tells Tiff she has to fight and it’s just the right amount of pep talk she needs. Meanwhile Paul gives the rest of the Freakazoids a lecture series about how they really must get rid of Nicole because she’s a veteran and he’s Mr. Bossypants McGee. Corey doesn’t seem so sure and who can blame him? Nicole is cute and sweet and… not at all Paul.

Then Da’vonne, Frank, and James have a pow wow about how they have to stick together while Nicole and Corey have an alliance chat about the first HOH in the storage room. She connives him into “having the idea” of handing her the first HOH. HOH is an ultra important element of Big Brother. Every week the houseguests compete for the title. The previous week’s HOH can’t compete in this and thus have to sit out. But the rest all fight hard because the HOH nominates two houseguests who will go up for eviction that week. During each week there’s also a Veto competition and the two nominees fight in it along with three other players and the HOH. Whomever wins can take one of the nominees off the block, including themselves if they’re not on the nomination block and is they do use the Veto to pull someone off the block they are then safe from nomination. After this Veto ceremony there’s a new nomination in which the HOH picks another houseguest to replace the vetoed one. So, HOH is a powerful position and notorious for “going to a Houseguest’s head” as if they forget it’s only for one week and suddenly believe they are King of BB house. Nicole knows all this and she’s definitely playing the game this season.. and, a lady who’s well-known for her fluffy hairstyle confections, she’s got even better blonde popover action this season too.

Now it’s competition time and the Freakazoids are each stranded on a tiny wobbly island with a palm tree and coconuts. Because balance is a critical factor, the ladies have an intrinsic advantage in this challenge. Glenn’s playing slow motion style while Nicole kicks ass and wins quickly, thus guaranteeing her safety. Tiffany struggles against the coconut conspiracy until finally getting second place safety. So, it’s down to Glenn and Corey with a “photo finish” between the two. The winner is Corey but only by a tiny fraction of a second. Thus Glenn is the first eviction. Now the leftover three Freakazoids need to choose an HOH and, through Nicole’s subtle machinations, end up giving it to her – just how she wanted it. The newbies are henceforth pissed, especially Mr. Bossypants Mcgee, Paul. Looks like furious fireworks will fly after the goodbye hugs for Glenn, who will be forgotten the minute the door swooshes shut upon his exit.

Back in the house, Paul gives Corey the WTF hairy eyeball and yellorama in the storage room while Corey just gets all squirmy and inarticulate in response. Victor talks to Nicole and he’s looking Kaysar-style dreamy while telling her Jozea is coming after the veterans, “handing her a nominee on a silver platter” as Nicole later says in the diary room. Then James pranks Nicole while she’s in the shower, pretending to be Victor and telling her that all the newbies are coming after her… but he soon admits to just being a sillyhead.

Then team Big Sister gets their Have-Not situation explained with slop for their meals and a bumper car/circus bedroom. Their beds are bumper cars and crazy colorful lights that will flash all hours. It’s odd that we don’t find out the Mysteryland punishment that team Category4 earned in the Rocket competition but BB often has trouble covering it all within the TV show, which isn’t really their fault. There’s so much going on! This is why the feeds are so much fun and helpful for BB fans. They fill in all the information gaps while giving us a window into the everyday cage-matches within the Big Brother house.

In the first awesome hammock convo of the season Jozea calls himself the “messiah of the newbies” to the inwardly outraged but outwardly nodding Da’vonne. She’s taking note of all his BS and then relates it in the funniest diary room session yet. Lady Day also tells Nicole all this dirt, thus reinforcing her HOH decision to put Jozea up for eviction. It’s all just so frigging easy for Nicole thus far. She tells Corey she’s going to put Jozea up and then Paulie next to him only because “Paulie will definitely fight to win the veto and ensure that Jozea goes home”. So, she won’t have the infamous “blood on her hands” we’re always hearing about in the BB house. Is this a Shakespearean tragedy or a network reality show? Hard to tell sometimes.

Nicole then tries to convince Paulie it’s a good idea for him to go up as a pawn and he points out that the worst case scenario often happens and pawns go home. Going “up as a pawn” is when an HOH wants one particular player to be evicted so they put an ally up and try to get the house on board with votes all evicting the houseguest they prefer. It often backfires and is a controversial, but common, BB tactic. Nicole has to admit Paulie’s right and pawns do often go home regardless of the HOH’s wishes but then she puts him up on the block anyway. The nominations ceremony is another element of BB that isn’t shown on the feeds, so we see it here on the TV show when Nicole puts up Paulie next to Jozea. The funniest line of this Premiere2 episode lies in Nicole’s “explanation” behind her nominations when she claims that it was “so hard because there just weren’t many to choose from,” in a completely full house. Haha. We love you, Nicole but that excuse would only work during ANY other week this summer.

Stay tuned to Fetchland.com for BB18 daily updates on feeds drama and fun along with our twitter feed @RuiningBB18 for tiny cheerful rants and lots of screencaps all day and night throughout our infinite summer of 2016 Ruining Big Brother.

– KatherineRecap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Unfortunately, we can’t ruin anything for you quite yet because the live feeds of what’s “really” going on in the Big Brother house won’t start until Thursday night after the end of the two initial “Premiere Episodes”. So, for now we’ll just introduce the basics and get you up to speed before we hit the “reality” raceway. During the season we’ll reference the TV show quite a bit, especially when it comes to competitions. BB holds tons of comps and they NEVER show them on the feeds so “feedsters” have to play Sherlock and deduce what happened from all the post-competition convos and drama. Lucky for us, there’s mucho drama in the house so it’s usually pretty easy to figure it all out pronto. Another aspect of Big Brother that’s never on the feeds is the “diary room sessions” and they’re crucial to understanding the inner workings of individual characters. Some characters give good diary room and they tend to be either the more emotional brand of houseguest or just flat-out diabolical – like Evel Dick (Dick Donato). We already have a great example this season with Da’vonne, who gives amazeballs diary room because she’s not only hardcore emotional but also incredibly funny and articulate. We know a lot of BB fans aren’t into Da’vonne but we’re not ashamed of our adoration. Fetchland is for lovers, not haters and we can find something nice to say about ANYBODY. That may sound easy, but if so you’re probably not a fan of Big Brother – yet.

BB18 begins with our fav ChenBot, Julie, delightfully perfect in a lipstick red evening gown for premiere night. Right away she tells us there are four secret stowaways tucked away in the house. This is the first of three “twists” to be revealed tonight. BB is all about twists, expecting the unexpected, and messing with houseguest heads. In the immortalized words of Chenbot: But first, let’s meet our sixteen characters for this all-grown-up-at-18-years-old Big Brother. 

There’s a funny configuration of crushes as everyone introduces themselves. Victor falls hardcore for Natalie right away. Zakiyah swoons for Paulie. Natalie ogles Corey. And Corey has got his eye on Victor for what he calls a “bromance”. Paul is attracted to Zakiyah – which makes total sense because she’s incredibly gorgeous. Meanwhile the non-romantic types have their own inner workings. Bronte plays at being diabolical with her pretending to be in childcare scheme… she’s actually a mathematician. Big whoop. Michelle immediately knows Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and later confronts her about it for a “shared secret session” on the couch. The initial twelve immediately notice that they’re short some fellow travelers on this vacation-themed season of BB. Julie tells them about the first twist while they’re still sipping celebratory champagne. Who and where are the four stowaways? It’s about to get a bit more crowded on this good ship to crazytown.

Because the theme of this season is vacations and world travel, the stowaways are hidden inside colorful trunks. The beloved character, Nicole, from season 16 is the first to pop out of a trunk. Then out comes James, a prankster from season 17. He was America’s favorite last season. Next we have Da’vonne who was also from Season 17 but considerably less liked by America and voted out the second week – so less liked, period. Finally, Frank, from BB 14, pops out of the last trunk, another America’s favorite. These so-called veterans team up right away to try to protect themselves and it makes sense because the newbie houseguests are all pretending to be thrilled while surreptitiously shooting eyeball daggers at them.

For some reason Paulie chooses this moment to confess that his brother is Cody, from Big Brother’s Season 16, which puts Tiffany in a tough spot. We know already that Da’vonne and Michelle are already certain Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and this will only stoke suspicious fire in the minds of houseguests to be looking for such resemblances in each other now. It’s rare for BB to only put one of a kind in the house. They almost always put at least two of a twist into the game just to rile things up. Later in the episode Michelle will face-to-face ask her if she’s Vanessa’s sister and Tiffany tells her it’s true but they lock it in the secret vault for now. We’ll see how that flies. Da’vonne, on the other hand, tells us she knows in the diary room and says nothing to Tiffany about it. An argument could be made for either move. Michelle now has a bit of an advantage over Tiffany but Da’vonne’s also smart to play her card close to the vest this early in the game. Thing is, if Michelle went up on the block for eviction right away Tiffany would have a good reason to get rid of her at this point and would likely vote her out.

Next Julie tells the house the second twist: they’ll play the game this summer in teams of four. Everyone will have a chance to take part in choosing their teams. A few seconds after this announcement Da’vonne starts weeping because I’m here to play for myself and my daughter. This isn’t fair, etc. Let it all out Da’vonne. It just makes us love you more to see your big heart breaking over this twist that affects every single houseguest equally. After all, everybody’s got their sad story and a reason to be on Big Brother. In fact, Glenn’s also there to play for his daughter. But the difference is, the houseguests and America know all about Da’vonne’s agony because she flies her feelings flag high in the sky.

Now on to team picking. The first competition begins and it’s time to get the teams together to finally play the game for real. Julie explains that each veteran will be on a different team and make the first pick for their team. Then each selected houseguest will pick the next member of the team and so on. Rule is that you have to pick someone of the opposite sex. Frank picks Michelle, Da’vonne picks Paul, James picks Natalie, Nicole picks Corey, Corey picks Tiffany, Natalie picks Victor (he’s ecstatic about this – kismet), Paul picks Zakiyah, Michelle picks Paulie, Paulie picks Bridgette, Zakiyah picks Jozea. Then as a matter of course, Bronte goes to team James and Glenn goes to team Nicole.

The competition ensues: Ride the Rocket everyone climbs onto a rocket and holds on until all four members fall off. The order of falling off determines their destination – first team to fall off become have-nots, 2nd team gets a mystery punishment, third team gets a ten thousand dollar prize to split four ways, and the last team still holding onto the rocket gets safety from eviction for the next two evictions. The first eviction will take place before this two night premiere is over – so likely it will be the end of Thursday night’s episode. For those of you not familiar with Big Brother, being a “have-not” is hell. You can only eat slop, a tasteless form of protein shake/oatmeal, along with condiments. That’s it. Houseguests tend to lose weight and be a-holes while they’re have-nots. Sometimes it also involves sleep deprivation and other elements of torture like “sleeping” in a freezing cold room on the floor with no blanket or bed. Fun stuff like that.

Victor ends up winning the Ride the Rocket competition for his team so that they no longer have to compete for the next rounds leading up to the inevitable first eviction. Yay! Celebration time! After which, it’s time for all the teams to name themselves. Big Brother is notorious for hilarious team names through the years and BB18 is no exception. They come up with some doozies, even with full knowledge that this is what they’ll have to live with for the rest of the summer. James’s team spends a full hour brainstorming with deadpan faces and brains on tilt but STILL end up sounding utterly ridiculous.

For their next competition there are three rounds with the last place team at the end forced to play each other individually so that the single loser of that round has to go home. In a way it’s kind of cool not to have to vote the first houseguest out. They just lose and go home. You know, like a loser does. There’s some fun drama during the competitions. Corey’s playin coach, Da’vonne’s flippin out that Paul keeps talkin, and meanwhile Category4 just keeps dropping their game pieces and then rebuilding them in silence until they finally win it and are the next safe team. After that round of competition failure, Corey and Nicole have a heart-to-heart in the storage room that looks like it could lead to romance down the road or at least maybe a two-person alliance. Fingers crossed! Da’vonne, meanwhile cries her eyes out because it’s so hard. It’s so hard. We hear ya, Da’vonne. Loud and clear.

In the second round Da’vonne continues her trend of overreacting to Paul while the Freakazoid team play snail-style and take a half hour to do basically nothing. When the Freakazoids finally get some balls and make a move they lose their shit completely at the final second. Then the same kinda thing happens to team Big Sister but instead of losing it, they adjust quickly, keep trying, and go on to win the competition. Thus, Nicole’s team, the Freakazoids, have to battle each other Thursday night and the loser of that last competition will go home. So, on eviction night, it’ll be Corey, Nicole, Tiffany, and Glenn all against each other.

At the end of the first premiere night, Julie reminds us that Thursday night one of the houseguests will be evicted. Also, we’ll find out the first Head of Household and who the two houseguests on the chopping block for the eviction. Then she adds that Sunday night a new Big Brother competition will give one player unprecedented power to change the game. It’s all music to our ears, Julie. We can’t wait and have never been more ready for a summer of silliness and shenanigans. Sure, lots of people like to get all serious about Big Brother and call it a microcosm of our society etc. Analyze away, bros. But the truth is that BB’s really just about pure fun and entertainment… unless, of course, you’re in the house.

– KatherineRecap

[For Silicon Valley “Daily Active Users” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Daily Active Users. Richard attempts to bridge the gap between Pied Piper and its users; Jared takes drastic measures.

The episode opens with a commercial for Pied Piper, a ridiculous foray into “connections and sharing” that perfectly illustrates the crux of the company’s challenge – nobody gets it. Laurie shows the mightily expensive and equally overwrought, enigmatic ad at her home where she’s gathered Pied Piper employees for a party to celebrate the high number of installs. At the “celebration” Monica apologizes to Richard about “not getting Pied Piper and being wrong,” but then Richard replies that maybe she wasn’t. Turns out installs aren’t really a crucial measure for success. What matters more? “Daily Active Users,” in other words, people who revisit the site. It’s a wretched number and far below what Monica deemed “disappointing” at one hundred thousand. In fact, only nineteen thousand users revisit Pie Piper daily. Jared and Richard were the only employees aware of it thus far… and now Monica too.

Meanwhile Gilfoyle somehow knows Jared’s keeping a secret and makes him squirm in a hilarious deconstruction of Judeo-Christian values at their most virulent. Monica recommends a focus group to Richard to help understand this lack of interest retention in Pied Piper. In the focus group all the users are “freaked out” by the platform. They don’t understand where the downloads go or how it works. They are regular people, not engineers. Interetingly, Monica – who didn’t get it – was the only regular person to check out the PP Beta Test. A light goes on in the room but Richard has trouble accepting it and instead crashes the focus group to “explain” his precious compression platform. At first he’s too much of an engineer and the focus group seems terrified of the implications. They reference Terminator and can’t get into it until after Richard orders in pizzas and settles into an infinite explanation. Although it works, it’s more than any TV spot can cover. Richard tells his Pied Piper team the down and dirty situation then and all are appropriately bereft. It’s a hopeless fix. They’re nearly out of money from paying for the development of the platform and that heinous incomprehensible ad. So Pied Piper, successful only seconds before, is now nearly broke and terminally misunderstood.

At this moment, the luckiest loser in Silicon Valley, Gavin finds out the Pied Piper situation when a customer service rep (who left Pied Piper over this tailspin) goes to Hooli looking for a job. He brings this info to the Hooli board and pretends it was his knowledge all along and this was all part of his secret plan. Then Gavin brings Jack Barker in to introduce “The Box”. Pied Piper’s loss is Hooli’s gain. May the best product win. Thus, Gavin resets back into his old position as Hooli CEO. At that moment of victory he brings the Hooli board who betrayed him only a week before out on the roofdeck to look at an elephant, the ultimate symbol of never forgetting and assures them that “neither do I” and we know Gavin’s not exactly the forgiving kind.

Richard scrambles to get he word out about Pied Piper with media and seminars along wth conference outreach. It’s tanking quick and he ends up approaching the ad agency for another way to reach people. They dummy up a piper character who works like a pseudo Microsoft paperclip named Pipey. Instead of popping up to say, “It looks like you’re writing a letter,” Pipey teaches a platform user what Pied Piper does in the most inane way possible. As a result, we next find Richard curled up fetal position style inside Erlich’s moldy magenta bathtub. Jared tries to pep talk him out of career suicide but “it’s over” seems to be Richard’s only logical conclusion.

But in the sunny daylight of the next morning Richard awakens to find that suddenly Pied Piper had a giant burst of inexplicable new daily active users. Everybody is filled with glee. It turns out Jared bought them from a click farm in India and is going to keep filling the pipeline this way using the Indian click farm – perhaps even until they reach heir goal for the next funding cycle. Clearly, Jared slipped into survival mode. He’s lying without a blink or squirm and even fooling Gilfoyle at this point. Next week is the season finale and we can’t wait to see “The Box” battle it out with Pied Piper’s virtual version of success. Each is a mythical creature in a way. We know The Box is merely an “idea of storage” and that Pied Piper’s alleged users are merely meaningless clickers who don’t even really visit the site. Which house of cards will win the heart of Silicon Valley? Our hearts are happy in the certain knowledge that whatever happens, we’ll be laughing all the while.

–Katherine Recap

[For Penny Dreadful “Ebb Tide” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

Showtime Summary:
Ebb Tide. Kaetenay has a vision of impending doom; Vanessa discovers an awful truth.

“Ebb Tide” feels the way it sounds, the show is pulling away from us even as we cling to it with a needy ferocity. Just like with a wave against the shore, we can’t make season three of Penny Dreadful last forever. This is one of those episodes where you’ll keep wondering what the hell these characters are doing. The questions Why? Why? Why? will race upon the hamster wheels of your grey matter. There is one bright star of hope, though, and it arises in the most unexpected place. Our beloved Creature finally finally gets a little love in his life at last and it almost makes up for all the rest of it… but not really. It’s par for the course with Penny, we suppose and the episode does grant us the favor of mucho information. Catriona provides an encyclopedic truckload of facts about Dracula, including that, in his human form, he can be killed like any other man. But it’s not that part which piques the interest of Vanessa. She realizes when Cat tells her Dracula is known for “dwelling in what’s called The House of Night Creatures,” that her beloved Dr. Sweet is the dragon Dracula. Only after this revelation does the part about being able to kill him in human form seem significant to her.

There’s a touching scene between Vanessa and The Creature, whom she knows as John Clare, where she tells him people are better than you think and he looks at her a bit sideways in reply asking, “Do you believe that?” to which Vanessa says, “Almost,” thus perfectly summing up their conundrum. All these two characters really want is to be loved. Thus they decide together to dare to believe they deserve love. Mainly they make this choice because, hey, can they be any lonelier than they already are? Unlikely. It works out for “Mr. Clare” at least. He goes to his wife, Margery and tells her his whole dang story for real – the truth. Funny thing about it is how he describes Dr. Frankenstein, making the mad scientist sound like the ultimate bad parent, “He created life but had no care for its nurturing,” which is both fitting and ironic. We all know such parents walk among us in everyday life but never would have thought to relate them to Victor Frankenstein before The Creature points out this apt similarity. In the end, our Creature finds warmth and welcome with Margery and his son, Jack. Finally, he’s home, accepted, and loved. We’re happy for him and would be satisfied with this as the end to his Penny Dreadful character arc. Please no more pain for our beloved Creature. Thank you.

It’s Dorian who mentions the “Ebb Tide” of the title within a shockingly unexpected scene. He’s just finished telling Lily how terrifically BORING he finds her army of prostitutes. They are such a clatter in his ears with all their cutting off bad men’s hands then clamoring and clawing at each other to mess up his grand estate. Oh dear, aren’t women with power so tiresome? Clearly they must be tamed – drugged even. So, that’s exactly what Dorian does. After his lecture series on how tedious he finds Lily’s vengeful revolution, that “owed” favor he warned Victor Frankenstein about springs into action. Right there on the moonlit cobblestone street, Frankenstein and Jekyll suddenly sweep Lily into a carriage headed straight for Bedlam. She’s to be drowned in “proper lady” drugs until she behaves her damn self. But we hope Lily escapes instead and then takes her dual betrayers down hardcore. Dorian and Victor deserve her vicious wrath. In fact, we hope Justine finds the way to finally kill Dorian and meows all the while, clawing his gorgeous movie star eyes out for good measure. Jekyll, on the other hand deserves more story. We hardly got to see him this season, so let him live… for now.

The episode opener for “Ebb Tide” gave us a glimpse into Brona’s past as she visits the grave of her daughter. So, now we know her agony runs deeper than just the “bad” men who abused and used her. She’s been broken a long long time. There at the gravesite, Brona makes a promise to another mother of a dead child. It sounds eerily similar to her rants and raves with the prostitute army and we realize that Brona has always been this way deep down, desperately seeking vengeance. It wasn’t her death that did it. Like Vanessa, Brona has a lengthy past of heartbreak and anguish.

Meanwhile Ethan, Kaetenay, and Malcolm head back to London as fast as they can on a mission to save Vanessa and thus the world from the End of Days that will follow if Vanessa succumbs to Dracula. Ethan’s doing it for love and Malcolm for the sake of duty. Kaetenay, though, has a vivid vision of the horror overtaking Vanessa and subsequently the world. He’s the real hero of this story; the world’s iconoclast and visionary. The one who sees it all but remains fearless and true.

In the final scene Vanessa confronts Dracula and he admits the truth. In fact Dracula claims he’s always told the truth and certainly, in his own eyes, that’s the case. She says he’s twisted and that she won’t serve him. Then Dracula calls her the Mother of Evil and says he wants to serve Vanessa, not the other way around. All he wants is her. In this world, they’re both different, ugly, exceptional creatures and will never be accepted and loved by others. Dracula says he doesn’t want to make Vanessa good or normal. He loves her for who she truly is. Now it’s time for her to stop trying to be what everybody else wants her to be, he says. Just be yourself and be with me. You will never be alone again, he says. Dracula asks if she accepts him and she says, “I accept myself,” so, then he bites her neck and the episode ends as Vanessa’s voiceover tells us about the end of days and the night creatures emerging, the air will be pestilence, such is our kingdom, etc. She’s succumbed, it seems. But there is the whole business Catriona brought up about Vanessa needing to be a spy. So, maybe she’s playing double agent. Vanessa has certainly played that game before. It’s a little telling that he asks if she accepts him and her only reply is about herself. Perhaps she is just spying… unless Vanessa really is the Mother of all Evil. That detail has always been up for debate.

Next Sunday night, June 19th, is the two hour finale and we’re set up for a radical showdown on all sides. Ethan, Kaetenay, and Malcolm will fight Dracula while Brona deals with her duo of betrayers. We have compiled a fetchland fantasy for the season three throw down that follows. First and foremost, Dorian reaps the mighty ass kicking that finally kills him doornail dead. It would be best if Justine dished it out. Secondly, we really must see Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde. How have we sat through an entire season with this classic character and not witnessed this wonder yet? It’s an outrage. Lastly, please grant us a grandiose, macho, swordfight, beatdown between Ethan and Dracula over Vanessa’s heart. She’ll be devastated no matter who wins but we know at this point she’s still pissy with Ethan for abandoning her so will likely be rooting for Drac at least initially. The real riddle, though, remains who Vanessa kisses after the dust settles and if that’s the one she would have chosen to win. The coolest ending would leave the climactic death blow Vanessa’s choice. We’d like that best. Funny thing is, both guys are hellbent so she’s pretty screwed either way – typical Penny Dreadful style.

–Katherine Recap

How a Lyrical Fairy Goddess Revived a Dead Heart in Brooklyn

Ever felt like not feeling? Like numbness is the answer? Sometimes the world just blasts you with crazy cannons of hate, violence, and senseless mayhem. It seems at times like these that hearts were merely made for pumping blood to and fro. But then you find yourself in line with thousands of other dead-eyed, hopeless humans. It’s June 15, 2016 outside Barclays Center in Brooklyn. Murmurs fill the empty air around you, saying “I really need this tonight,” or “She just makes me feel better,” and, “Finally, finally I can just relax and have a good time,” and you realize it sounds like they’re talking about love. This gives you the tiniest thrill. You look up from your phone for a second and glimpse your reflection standing in line in the mirrored blackness of the Barclay Center’s glass doors. It looks as if you might need this too.

The empty stadium feels sterile and vast at first, like a gym before they put up prom decorations, but soon it’ll be teaming with dead-eyed fun-seekers like yourself. So, you take a place right up front by the stage. It was the smartest choice you made for this venture, buying a General Admission ticket. The best way to get the whole experience of the show is to dance among the people on the floor, not sit like a lump in stodgy seats above. Everybody around you appears paired off but for a needy third wheel in a threesome with two hot guys. No matter how many beers she trots up and down those cement stadium steps to fetch for them, the cute boys only whisper in each other’s ears. You wink at her and she half smiles back. It’s your first victory of the night. You can almost feel a pulse start humming at your wrist.

Funny thing is you actually came tonight for the opening act. She’s been hogging your playlist for months! Grimes, a ferocious pixie with mighty synthesizers, poetic lyrics, and savage music videos. A bit more avant garde than most, Grimes has such unique style because she completely controls her sound. She got her start fiddling around with GarageBand at home in her spare time, then found her way to MySpace and eventually put her sound out in the wide world while still somehow remaining an innocent, untouched, creative soul. She’s just a youngling with some synthesizers,  cool dancers, and a bone to pick with every damn thing. That’s what you love about her the most, she’s mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore, one song at a time. Even her happiest songs talk of death and apocalyptic events but perhaps this part is just a natural outcropping of anyone who reads the news these days. You’re not sure… but you love that Grimes isn’t numb to it like you are.

She’s got loads to say and owns the stage like a pro. Her dancers spin and float as the stadium pounds out the sound in throbbing waves that flow through the soles of your shoes and deep into your veins. Grimes belts out forty minutes of fire until you’re jumping and singing with her irresistible mixes, along with the hardcore light show. You’re smiling. You feel alive. That heart you’d been ignoring for so long is pumping like crazy. In the meantime, while Grimes tears the stadium walls down, the seats begin to fill with eager faces, many of them wearing flower crowns. Ordinarily you’d probably think these are a tad ridiculous. But now that Grimes has turned on your heartlight, they merely seem whimsical and fitting for the evening. The truth of how befitting they are resounds when Florence Welch takes the stage. She’s a flowy enchantress reminiscent of Stevie Nicks but somehow also completely of-the-moment.

Before tonight your only real experience of Florence and the Machine was limited to her two most popular songs — “Dogs Days are Over” and “Ship to Wreck” — which are lovely, but it’s already nine fifteen and you consider leaving. I mean, you’re not really the biggest fan and gotta get up early in the morning. But fact is, you’re already here and super close to the stage to boot. Why not just have some fun and see what happens? Some of the best nights of your life have followed that question. So, you stay. You take a look around the stadium and realize you’re surrounded by thousands of true believers. Magic is about to happen; that much is clear. Because it turns out Florence is a magician and everyone in the room already knows this. Everyone but you, grasshopper. But as soon as this goddess takes the stage you know it too. Florence masters the entire stadium when she floats out to grace you with her artistry. Nobody can look away. Immediately, she owns every ounce of your attention and, in a matter of moments, all your affection too.

Her songs reach deep inside you with such a rich, strong voice and lyrics that it feels like a haven; a place you’ve always belonged. These are your people. This is your home. You’re swept into the music and wish you knew all the lyrics to sing along with the thousands that surround you. In fact, many times you find yourself singing anyway, even though you’re obviously wrong about the words. You don’t care; it feels so right. A lot of the songs are about love and Florence talks about it too. She tells a story about writing the title song from her new album “How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful” while on a plane and falling in love. It was the kind of love, she explains, that makes you fall in love with everyone. Sometimes love can be so overwhelming it just bleeds into everything and suddenly because of the music and the thousands around, you know exactly what she means. In fact, this is how you feel right now. You’re enveloped by men and women who have their arms outstretched toward Florence and tears streaming down their cheeks. It’s a freaking lovefest in here and about to get even more so. You look away from the stage for a moment and see the audience feeling the affection. Then you notice the third wheel getting into it even though her hot guys are now full on making out, lost in their own world.

Florence and the Machine draw from all three albums with a range of passion and particulars so familiar and perfect you can’t help but dance. Thoughts play through your mind aroused by her moving and insightful lyrics so that you even fit in a bit of therapeutic success overcoming heartbreaks from the days of yore. But that momentarily selfish lapse passes quickly when Florence trails a rainbow flag back and forth while crossing the stage to sing “Spectrum” from her album Ceremonials. The song’s refrain says, As every color illuminates/We are shining/And we will never be afraid again, which creates a beautiful anthem for “Love is Love” which she chants right after the song, bringing you into an inspiring shared feeling of unity and community with the whole of Barclays. Florence reminds you that there’s only one way to overcome hatred and that’s to overwhelm it with love. “You all are capable of such giving,” she says and she knows this because of how she made you feel tonight. “Now you have to go out there into the world and outnumber the haters with your love”. The only way to do this is to love as much and as many as possible in order to save this world. You have to take all that love you’re holding inside and give it away one person at a time, creating a chain reaction.

“Let’s start right here and right now,” she adds. Then Florence directs everyone in the stadium to hug each other. “Every single one of us needs to share our love right now,” she declares. It’s an easy task for pretty much everybody in attendance, except of course, you and the third wheel. As everyone else pairs off with tight hugs throughout the stadium, you eye each other. Then you outstretch your arms and she does too. You come together for an embrace and while gently pulling apart, you both smile. It’s a miracle, really, what Florence did here. She created spontaneous affection between strangers. A true artist, songs aren’t her only form of magic at this enchanting show. Effortless Florence floated across the stage with a power that enraptured and inspired you all evening so that you left the Barclay Center overcome with emotion and admiration. Your heart has never felt so certain and strong. You walk to the train afterward and search Florence and The Machine on your phone’s iTunes app when you hear a tiny white-haired lady nearby also coming out of the concert. She links arms with her husband and sums up the night perfectly saying, “Florence sang the shit out that stadium tonight, honey”. It’s so true, you can’t wait to get home and blast your walls to bits with that very voice. First song on tap?

“Third Eye”

– KatherineRecap

[For Silicon Valley “Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride. Erlich struggles to come clean to Richard; Richard must make a difficult choice.

“Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride” circles around confrontations and Erlich Bachman’s dignity. In fact, it’s a lot like a chain reaction with one character confronting another and then they confront another character and so forth all the way around until the issue gets resolved with closure in the end. This aspect of Silicon Valley gives it a refreshing stance in a world filled with cliffhanger TV. Each episode encapsulates a major challenge and then resolves it with little remainder and override. So, although the same Silicon Valley story keeps moving forward, it’s always fresh – which is more than one can say about the Vanity Fair Summit dinner salad Richard abandons in the episode.

We open on Erlich and Richard’s Bloomberg News interview about the Pied Piper launch. It’s taken off like a rocket with more than a hundred thousand installs in only the first ten days. Richard has trouble with the confrontational style of a public interview but the real confrontation is actually happening behind the scenes. It’s in the back of Bachman’s mind that he still hasn’t told Richard about his cashed-out shares and Monica calls to confront him about it. She insists Erlich tell Richard ASAP because she doesn’t want to be complicit in this lie. But Erlich’s all about attending the Vanity Fair Summit dinner that night. Funny thing is, Richard doesn’t care about the photo shoots and parties. He’d rather Erlich was the face of the company. So, this too is part of Bachman’s motivation to keeping the secret hidden.

Next Jared enters the incubator wearing a tailor-made Pied Piper varsity jacket. As Dinesh and Gilfoyle leave to get coffee they get Jared to give them the heinous jacket. Then at the coffee shop Gilfoyle wears it to embarrass Dinesh, saying he’s a suicide bomber of humiliation, happy to go down as long as Dinesh goes with him. It backfires, though when coffee shops peeps are impressed by his Pied Piper jacket. It’s the hot new company! Everybody’s talking about it! So, then Gilfoyle pivots to pretend he doesn’t know Dinesh, causing him further humiliation.

Next we see Jared and Richard interview a guy for the Pied Piper head of PR. He’s the confrontational one and asks if everything at the company is cool. He saw a paper on Laurie’s desk the day before that showed a big chunk of Pied Piper stock being sold. It made the potential PR guy wonder because an insider selling a load of stock right before the big launch is cause for alarm. Richard then assumes the seller was Monica because she was the only one who didn’t like the Beta test. He confronts her so she tells him the truth about Bachman’s selloff. So, In the BIG confrontation Richard confronts Erlich and says he’s going to have to issue a press release now because the ten percent sale sends a message to Silicon Valley that there’s something funky at Pied Piper. Bachman’s bummed because now nobody will ever take him seriously again. When Richard talks to Dinesh and Gilfoyle about it they, surprisingly, don’t a hundred percent agree with Richard. So, he writes the press release but says he won’t publish unless word gets out on the street about Bachman’s selloff.

Pissy Richard then confronts Erlich with a “last rent check” and says they’ll be moving out of the incubator. He also replaces Bachman’s board position, promoting Jared. This sends Jared into a tailspin of mixed emotion. He’s a salad spinner of sensitivity. Still, even with all this shaming… Richard lets Bachman attend the Vanity Fair Summit dinner later that night. When Richard’s checking in for it he finds out Erlich attempted to sell only half his shares but Laurie prevented this and, using Pied Piper contractual particulars, forced him to sell them all. Richard then sees Laurie at the Summit dinner and finds out she also fucked Bachman thanks to a detail in the contract that allowed her to set her own price for the shares. So, although Erlich was going to get five million for half the shares from the original buyer, Laurie found out exactly what Erlich owed for his debts and paid him only that much for all of his shares. Thus, Bachman’s completely broke now.

Meanwhile Erlich gets a voicemail from the tech blog he half owns saying they heard rumors about “serious ugliness” at Pied Piper. So, to protect the company he outs himself on the blog as the “dumbest guy in tech” and in the process doubles down on earning Richard’s empathy. So, in the end Richard gives Erlich the still-open job as head of PR. As his first order of business in PR, Bachman calls his tech blog to tell them Hooli’s now selling Pied Piper’s app in their online store, a big win for the company. But in the process Erlich finds out that the “rumors” about ugliness at Pied Piper were actually just about Jared’s jackets. He’d outed himself over nothing.

Bachman makes a circle from indignity to dignity and back again in this episode as a result of all the confrontations he’s forced to face for his legendary bad behavior. “Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride” works like a cleansing ritual for his character and makes us wonder, is Erlich Bachman the Jamie Lannister of Silicon Valley? Nobody knows if he’s a villain or a hero but it certainly seems like at the very least he’s on the Hero’s Journey. Maybe he’s on a path from villain to hero, as many theorists suggest about Jamie’s narrative arc. Either way, he’s a helluva lotta fun to watch along the way.

–Katherine Recap

[For Penny Dreadful “No Beast So Fierce” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

Showtime Summary:
No Beast So Fierce. When Vanessa turns to an old friend for help she is introduced to a new ally.

The upheaval, sexytime, and tumult of episode six for Penny Dreadful this season revolves around the seven sins. Vanessa gives in to Lust and The Creature’s Pride takes a bitter, gut-busting hit. Hecate, Rusk, Ethan’s father, and The Marshal all succumb to vengeful Wrath. While Victor Frankenstein and Dorian struggle with the push and pull between Envy and Greed. Then, although not Sloth in the traditional sense, Dr. Seward and an enchanting new character, Catriona give Vanessa the same lazy ass “friendly” advice. It’s not their fault, really and they mean well. But when it comes to sins, intentions aren’t what counts. Fact is, their advice reeks of careless words wrapped in a papery thin guise of friendship.

Luckily, there’s a bright side to sintown. We get to hear the best line of the season thus far when Malcolm finally sees Kaetany is alive after all, “I knew you were too mean to die,” Murray says. There are many more memorable and even funny lines in “No Beat So Fierce”. It’s one of those episodes where if you’re not careful you may find yourself talking to the screen. One moment you could cheer Lily’s half/feminist and half/fucked up tirade about vengeance and violence against women. The next you’re gasping “No, you’re not. You never are,” to the oblivious Vanessa describing herself to Lyle as, “quite safe”. Nothing is ever safe on this show and the characters are all so preoccupied with sinning that, although they mean well, their “assistance” just makes things worse. The seven deadly sins get in the way of progress or healing, just like in real life. Because the “No Beast So Fierce,” scenes resound with so much power, we’re dividing this recap by scenes rather than roles.

The episode opens with a brief glimpse into Renfield’s Gluttony. After he gives Dracula the news about Vanessa’s latest She knows your name, Master. She called you Dracula. Renfield gets his unquenchable bloodlust temporarily sated when Drac offers him a “fat and juicy” fresh victim hanging from a meat hook. While he’s munching away, we wonder if Dr. Seward will see any difference in Renfield soon. She’s brilliant, after all, and her entire job revolves around observing human behavior. When will she see that he’s becoming less and less human?

Speaking of Dr. Seward’s observations, one of the inherent limitations every therapist faces is the myopia of their patients. Seward can only know what Vanessa tells her. So, when they share a drink together and Dr. Seward explains how she killed her abusive husband and stood trial in NYC. Although shocking, it’s not wholly surprising to Vanessa because she saw this scene from Dr. Seward’s past in the asylum episode. Vanessa just didn’t know it was her husband she’d killed. Speaking of just not knowing, this is a scene where Dr Seward unknowingly gives Vanessa horrendously lazy advice. It’s the kind of Sloth that’s unavoidable. She means well but advises Vanessa to “go and have drink with that handsome doctor from the museum,” because Vanessa must learn some people are trustworthy. She gets the same well-meaning advice from her newfound friend, the death-obsessed and exceptional fencer, Catriona, who advises Vanessa to seek out those she loves as protection from the notorious Dracula. Too bad neither of them know that the only “love” Vanessa has right now is Drac himself.

At first it feels like a celebration of love, seeing The Creature clutch his invalid son tight to rock him back and forth with comforting words and promises of medicine. Then it gets a little darker as his son whispers that he knew his father “the angel” would come to him as he died. A child dying is a bit of a downer, especially given the wretched existence of our beloved Creature. Can’t the guy get even a few minutes of happiness and love in this lifetime? Well, no. Because when the boy finally opens his eyes and sees The Creature’s face after only having heard the voice of his father coming from this person. He screams in horror. This, of course, is a crushing blow to our beloved Creature. He’s bereft because it’s not just his Pride that’s broken but also his heart.

The biggest and baddest scenes of the episode are the two bloodbaths at Talbot Ranch. Penny Dreadful loses four major characters to Wrath: Hecate, Rusk, The Marshal, and Ethan’s father – Dickhead Talbot, as we like to call him. It’s almost overkill the way bullets blaze across the Talbot Ranch dinner table and one wonders how this could’ve been avoided. The simple answer is that it couldn’t. Ethan’s father hated the Apaches and had everything to do with their destruction, literally murdering his way into owning all the land he nows claims as Talbot Ranch. So, of course Kaetany comes for revenge and blasts into the house taking down ranchers galore. Soon after most of the others also bite the dust. Dickhead Talbot kills The Marshal and then Hecate takes a bullet to the heart from Rusk while defending Ethan. As she dies Hecate tells Ethan Hell awaits them both before drifting there herself. Interestingly, she exited this mortal coil in naked demon form but Ethan kissed her scary-ass face goodbye anyway, sad but unafraid. Soon after we have the final Talbot massacre. All that’s left are some ranchers and Dickhead Talbot hiding in the ranch chapel. The trio Ethan, Malcolm and Kateany find them quickly and when the bombastic Mr. Talbot berates Ethan, he can’t bring himself to shoot his father. But Dickhead gets a bullet between the eyes anyway, care of Malcolm’s Wrath. In the end this mighty trio of men are the only one’s left alive. Malcolm Murray and Kaetany saved their son from his own father. Irony’s the real winner tonight.

Vanessa falls under the Lustful spell of Dracula’s Dr. Sweet facade. It’s noteworthy that he doesn’t really lie to her. Yes, his vague banter with promises to never leave her side and love her forever lack clarification. But that’s just because he neglects to mention that he is, in fact, Dracula. Other than that small detail, the guy’s totally on the up and up. They have sex right there on the taxidermy room floor with the stuffed wolf watching (clearly not a coincidence) and Vanessa takes cowgirl position, her skirt spread over them for the sake of Victorian sensibilities. So, yes, sex. But no, not sexy. Afterward Vanessa cries and Dracula wipes away her tears. All we can think is that there are more where those came from and likely falling in torrents real soon.

Justine may not be immortal but she’s certainly enthralling, a sociopath – sure, but we’ve all got our flaws. She could have her own show and Lily would be its biggest fan. Her taunting and teasing make Dorian, Envious because Lily likes it a little too much. So, Dorian confronts Lily saying HE’s the one who belongs beside her. Dorian expects Lily to fall into his handsome, immortal arms and declare her undying devotion but instead she defends Justine saying Justine’s more her match than Dorian could ever be. This doesn’t sit well with him and we predict a showdown between he and Justine in the weeks ahead. If anybody can figure out how to destroy Dorian Grey, it’s that furious little minx, Justine. She’s Greedy for a kill with Dr. Frankenstein too. He shows up to kidnap Lily and gets caught in a deadly Warrior Girl spiderweb. Lily has already begun assembling her ex-prostitute army and they’ve battened the hatches, easily taking him down with a knife to the throat. Greed is the only reason they let him live because he could potentially help their army. Dr. Frankenstein can make people immortal, after all. Who better to wage war against sadistic men than an army of gorgeous sex mavens that can’t be killed? At least that appears to be what Lily’s got brewing in the back of her mind when she lets him live…

“No Beast So Fierce” feels like a dream while at the same time awakening us to what’s really happening on Penny Dreadful. So beautifully written while the acting and orchestration work together like art, it’s breathtaking how easy they make it look when this is all unbelievably difficult to pull off. The writers manage to pack complex and relevant information into every onscreen second and at the same time make us feel a thousand emotions while sitting on the edge of our seats. We’re still poised there, in fact, because in the preview scenes for next week we see that Vanessa and Ethan will reunite soon. Dracula against Ethan represents the swordfight to end all swordfights and who will Vanessa want to win? It’s an amazing testament to the show that we even wonder.

–Katherine Recap